Jul 31, 2010

"Hey Boy, You Gonna Get Wet"



:). So Good.

(h/t thedanzatap)

CRB Brings the Sexy - Yep She Wins

Often times we have corporate type people from other companies come by the CRB HQ for certain business things. For example, other companies often use us for logistics, consulting, marketing, financial advice, etc.

As it turns out, the folks from FHM magazine were in town the other day and wanted to swing by and grab a drink and catch up on old times. See, a few people in FHM Corporate were formally employees of CRB. They decided that all the free booze, cheez its and inter-office romances weren't enough to offset our huge salaries.

Anyways, ODBF stays in touch with a few of them and they were having a hard time believing that ODBF had finally settled down into a meaningful relationship and really wanted to meet this person. See, they were skeptical that Marissa Miller was as attractive as ODBF made her out to be, and that she was as attractive as they had been lead to believe.

They had their camera's with them, natch, and so they took pictures of her in a typical day. Observe.


Perfectly reasonable lawn mowing attire

ODBF is not one to sully the hands or get dirty doing household chores, so, Marissa is out mowing the lawn when they first arrive.


Cuba is having a socio-political struggle?  Gah!!

After she finished mowing the lawn, and getting cleaned up and into something a bit less restricting, she retired to the patio to bone up on the daily happenings.

The veggies on that plate look gross

We were all tuckered out from a long day of CRB'ing, and like any good relationship, the other party knows when the other needs some pampering, so, Marissa made ODBF's favorite, plain noodles and some green shit for dinner. 


Just use the damn dishwasher Marissa!

After dinner we all had cocktails on the porch and smoked cigars while Marissa cleaned up.  Nice day huh? 

Jul 30, 2010

You Have Our Attention Alliance Wakeboard

This is a screen cap of the Alliance wakeboard site. Its a little busy, to many boxes and people with moustaches, but, overall its a decent enough site.

Anyways, they do certainly know how to get your attention, you know, if you are into babes.

Well played sir

Jul 29, 2010

The Head of the Nasty Boys runs for Gov'nr

The Tennessee Nasty Boys have been a force in both jumping and beer consumption for many years now. Top talent like Ham Wallace and Basil Marceaux.com have led them from a small anti slavery group started in 1866 to the dominant power in waterski jumping in Tennessee.

Long live team nasty boy!! And down with traffic stop slavery!!


Team Nasty Boy indeed! The Nasty Boy's explosive growth from just a couple members back in 1866 to well over 10 members in just over 144 years have left critics stunned but their popularity and ground swell of public support. Pundits estimate that at least 30 other people in the state have heard of the nasty boys. They have become so popular that cofounder Basil Marcauex.com Sr is well on his way to being elected the next gov'nr of the great state of Tennessee.

It is expected that Basil will sweep into office with at least 45 votes. The Republican party has already started the process of changing the party name to The US Nasty Boy Party. The Democratic party under the withering attacks* of Basil has already given up on Tennessee and pulled out of all major elections through out the south. They are currently in discussions with the Federalist, Green, Know Nothings, and the Sacramento Mechanics and Laborers Anti Chinese League to form a new party and attempt to make a come back.

*"Can a Democrat say the pledge of allegiance?"

When Ham Wallace was reached for comment he said "Who the hell are you and who the hell is Basil Marca.... I don't give a shit?" He then beat Mike "random guy" Harper, our new investigative reporter, to death with a Jump ski.

Basil on the other hand went on our arch nemisis news program NBC Channel 4...you bastards...


Oh...well that was very informative and helpful.

Morning Lake Trout - Thursday Style

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style

A 3 year old qualified for nationals...cuz thats a good idea...

There was a figure 8 barefoot tourny hosted by the Lake St Louis ski team recently. And the only reason I care is cuz of this sweet pic below.

Keep the barefoot supermans to the boom bud, your face will thank you


Girls ride day...LIKE EVERY DAY IN MY PAD*!!! HIOOOOOO
*my moms basement
***ed note: ODBF is a douche***

ODBF at home...or about what every internet troll looks like

To get that disturbing picture out of your head go here and look at some 32HH...yep...HH. Its not porn either. I was told once that I am a disgusting pig...well you saw that pic above, so make up your own mind about that.

A dude and his two kids were trying to ski the length of the Ohio river but quit with just about 60 miles left cuz of 4 foot waves...WHAT FREAKING SALLYS!!!! You go that damn far then quit cuz of some waves??? DUDE GET YOUR BALLS OUT OF YOUR WIFES PURSE AND SUCK IT UP.
/boat sinks

Ever heard of a Zedonk? Me either.

Read this news report and try not to laugh your ass off...ass may have been a poor choice of words.

Jul 28, 2010

You are an Idiot, Must be Destroyed


Anyone remember about 20 years ago when Oliver Stone did "The Doors" the movie? The one with the second most cringe-worthy line that we remember in a movie? "You actually stuck your dick in her Jim?". This is of course second to the movie Vanilla Sky, google it, i am not about to type it, movies like The Doors and Born on the Fourth of July and even Any Given Sunday were pretty damn good movies. There were always stories of Stone being a bit nuts, but, this nuts??
"Hitler did far more damage to the Russians than [to] the Jewish people, 25 or 30 [million killed]. The Jewish domination of the media," he said. "There's a major lobby in the United States. They are hard workers. They stay on top of every comment, the most powerful lobby in Washington. Israel has fucked up United States foreign policy for years." {huffington post}
Yikes, here at CRB HQ, we really don't really care about the apology that Oliver Stone gave post-idiocy, or really the opinion it self.  We all know its dumb

No, we don't intend to actually get into the meat of what he said, this is neither the forum nor the...well, the forum for such a thing.  Let it be known that head CRB'er me and other head CRB'er ODBF have been in many a heated yelling match over far more trivial things.

I recall a yelling match at a bar over tort reform laws, when we both knew (admittedly) nothing about.  So, suffice it to say, should the time and place warrant it...well, to paraphrase Kenny Powers, "listen up you beautiful bitch we are about to fuck you up with some truth".

We knew, a long time ago, that there was a certain element to us Americans that just didn't belong, that were a menace, needed to be driven from our midst.

They pose a greater threat to our cultural well-being then even the most ignorant fear monger on the planet.

Lets let our previous incarnation, no link available, describe the situation.
Nothing good ever happens when there is a mustache involved, as a matter of fact, the simple utterance of the word provokes full body shutters from the members of the {redacted}.

There is absolutely no problem with full beards, goatees, fu-Manchu type things, soul patches, side burns, or any other variation of vain face hair. However, and this should be a law, mustaches are out.

I firmly believe that there should be no place in decent society for these disgraces of facial articulation. People with mustaches should not be allowed the same rights that are given to all under the constitution, its terrible, its ugly, its weird and I would almost bet that they are all evil criminals, very much like wearing a certain hat, or have a certain tattoo shows gang affiliation, people should look at those with mustaches in a very apprehensive way, that mustache symbolizes something evil and sinister about that person, and they should be treated as common criminals and thugs.
That post was written on a previous site January 20th of 2003, and was posted on the spiritual succesor to the CRB.

It was written in stone.  Or on a website.  You may say to yourself, "self, this is the stupidest thing I have ever read, and I have even read ODBF's crap"  Your right, person who talks to themselves, this is dumb, its foolish, its idiotic, but...is it correct???

 
KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Jul 27, 2010

Some Future We Have Coming Up, We Think


While paging through the most recent issue of Waterski Magazine....

wait, lets try that again. While paging through what we thought was the latest issue of waterski magazine, we noticed something odd. We did a quick check with the assembled employees of the CRB HQ (see, we always occupy conference room D to read the new issue) to see what month we were actually in.

Quick aside, people on the CRB staff have been noted to lose entire months to waterski related benders, i.e, skiing every day and forgetting about work, falling asleep on the back of the CRB towboat (a Ski Nasterbu) or following the Jonas Brothers all around the country.

So, it wasn't without precedent that we were wondering, this is still July right??

See, on the spine (thats publishing talk for the spine) of the magazine it says September 2010.

/head asplode

No it isn't! Its still July! How is this possible!!

Ironically enough, it also says on the cover in big letters, "SKI BETTER NOW!". This makes no sense, ski better now, like, July 27th? or ski better now as in September, because, we want to ski well this instant, not in a month or so.

So, we just assumed that this is like in Back to the Future where Bif gets the sports almanac from the future and goes and gambles like a certified bad-ass and the world goes to shit.

This is like that, but, way different!

So, we just are assuming that Waterski Magazine has a magical orb, possibly made out of crystal, that they rub and can see into the future. Its really something that could be put to better use then the waterski world, but, thats for another time. Lets see what is going to happen in the future.

1) Judging by the front cover, Will Asher has developed Pipes!!

2) People have ditched their boats and now ski behind airplanes. I could really use a wish right now. /shoots self

3) Clementine Lucine and Natallia Berd(letters) join the MMA and beat the shit out of people

4) Mastercraft gets wise and posts a picture of Alex Laurentano on the back cover of the magazine.  We studied this picture closely, and that does appear to be the back of our CRB towboat, the Ski Nasterbu, so, we guess, it stands to reason that we are now married, or at least engaged...and bought a yellow boat...and live where there is no horizon...

psss, that goes on your feet.

Its science really.  We are no one to argue with Waterski Magazines ability to peer into the near future.

So, really, we should be saying thanks.

Jul 26, 2010

Vid Day Monday - Mad Men Rules

The CRB staff has gained a combined 847,000* lbs in the past year, mostly due to the fact we do not get out skiing as much as we would like. This has nothing to do with avalablility of boat time or anything like that, it is because we are are crazy about Mad Men. The show is to damn good, so we just watch it over and over again. And Season 4 just kicked off and it had thanksgiving hookers. So we have already decided how we are going to spend our thanksgiving this year.

*rough estimate



GETTING SLAPPED BY THANKSGIVING HOOKERS!!! HELLZ YEA!!!

Vid Day Monday - Eurolac With Tunes

Found this on Ball of Spray, so we are posting it a week later so no one knows we stole it from Horton...oh...probably should not have told you that.

Decently well made vid shows that the Swiss know how to put on a really cool slalom event. Maybe some day we will figure out how to do that on our side of the pond. But don't count on it, we will probably stick with the same old concept that draws in about 30 people to watch.

Oh and I like sparklers, so this is fun cuz there sparkalers are really big. YAY

Vid Day Monday - Wake UP

This song would not wake anyone up. But its good...so watch.

Jul 25, 2010

Video from ODBF's night on assignment

We sent ODBF on assignment for the weekend.  We knew it was foolish, but we did it anyways.  This is the report we received from a 3rd party.  Its NSFP.  Not safe for planes.



Welp, that pretty much puts an end to CRB field trips for the time being.

Jul 22, 2010

The Vintage Quint Flippa

Oh how the early 90s were the best. The girls wearing neon jeans and hair scrunchies and the jean shorts (jorts if you will)! Hellz yea!!

Yep, jorts and kneeboarding...they go hand in hand...in a gay bar.

Oh and check out the kick ass single tip wakeboards. Only on ESPN 2 "THE DOS" would kneeboarding get top billing over wakeboarding. How the hell was kneeboarding even on ESPN in the first place? We struggle to get skiing on TV at all and Kneeboarding had ESPN? WTF is wrong with that picture?



QUINT FLIPPA, ITS A QUINT FLIPPA
/Jerks off under announcers table

Jul 21, 2010

CRB Brings the Sexy - Update

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU??????!!????!?!?!?!?!?11???!!?

We post all the sexy awesomeness that is January Jones and no one can tell us that those pics are from a video? We had to have a vote in the office today about weather or not any of you have earned the right to see the video. Well I lost* so you do get to see it.
*Rowboat abides said something about a shortage of Viagra and how he just popped the last pill and we all ran from the room screaming



Don't ever disappoint us like that again or we may send you to your room!

Lake Trout Carry Out

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style

A Brit named Katie set a new under 10 record in the UK. /ODBF types something funny here*
*not funny at all

I like hair spray

Ask Vince is some blog in Memphis and today Vince talks about an old and formerly popular ski and party lake outside of Memphis. And then talks about pageant girls in swimsuits from the late 60s. Good times...

Wakeboarders from Nevada seem to be a recurring theme on the Lake Trout recently. So here is another story. We cant be inconsistent here...that would not be our style*
*completely our style

Lets go skiing...oh...nevermind

We have pointed out in the past that ski racing is only for crazy people. but apparently it is also for people that cant get enough of big ass boats with flames on the side. That group would include us /donzi'd

Are we ghay? No...at least we don't think so... But Julio Iglesias is in the news again and the fact that hes going to get naked and ski gets more press then our entire sport has for the past 10 years combined. That is really depressing.

Lake Tahoe has a museum all about the maritime history of the lake including lots of info about waterskiing and wakeboarding. How can there be a museum about wakeboarding? Its been around for about 17 days or so. And whats in it, a bunch of pictures of guys with stupid hair and tons of girls around? Wait.../cuts hair in faux hawk /switches to wakeboarding

Ok now this is just awesome. For years we have discussed here at the CRB how bad ass it would be to have a resturant on a pontoon cruising around the lake so we could grab a bite while on a booze cruise and now these guys have done it. Pizza on the water? HELLZ YEAZ BOYZ!! And the waitresses wear bikinis? Not really sure how this place meets the health codes but who cares! Only way this could be better is if it were a Taco Bell, in which case health code would not matter as none of those places are in compliance anyways.

This song rules! If you don't like it then you can go die in a fire.

Jul 20, 2010

Alizee..more like, Alizawesome! AMIRITE!!!!

I'm your *cough* huckleberry

"In some circles, the Alizée Cup is a far far better thing than the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one. This race attracts a very special breed."

You damn right it is.  This is something we have been waiting on for almost a year, since the 2009 Alizee cup.  We were all huddled in CRB HQ all giddy with excitement to watch this years installment on our new CRB TV.  It was catered!

No shit!  We had this local burrito joint bring us plate after plate of tasty burritos with chicken or steak or beef.  Spicy hot, mild, it made no matter.  We were scarfing those puppies down like crazy.  Like, Andy in shipping had to be held back when they brought in the chorizo ones.  He was like, "GET ME SOME OF THAT!!"

It was crazy all around!  We had to send out an intern for more Jim Beam and parliment cigerettes not once, but TWICE! The drinking.  Wow!

NO KIDDING!  We were slamming down a new concoction that ODBF came up with, sprite, valium and Beam.  OH.  it was quenching a powerful thirst!  I think some babies were made!

Speaking of which.  Oh...Andrea (thats an-dre-aa) who runs our logistics progam, ohhh...haha, she totally has a thing for Mike in parts, and we think after a few of the ODBF drinks, a joint or two and maybe some verbal encouragment, she actually asked Mike out!  They are so cute!  HAHA.  Totally going to be a thing for a while.  Well, until, Mandy in H.R hears about this.  Totally out on their ass.  What about Rowboat you say??

TOTALLY!!  We actually gave Rowboat a text, saying, "hey.  we are all at the bowling alley on Williamson Court!"  That willy bitch actually called our bluff and showed up!  haha! what a kidder!  Figures that Rowboat would show up right when the metimucel and vicoden arrived!  what a scamp!

Back to the action!  Chris Parrish!  Doc Holliday himself totally smoked his competition!  I KNOW!! AMAZING!  That boy is something else!

Regina Jaquess!  What can we say!  DOMINATION!  oh and totally sets hearts aflutter!  OH BOY!  you know it, we have more then one eligible bachelor tugging on my sleeve looking for the hook up!  Have to say, hey, its the booze buddy.  You don't have a chance!

All around it was an awesome weekend for the CRB staff, we watched the Alizee cup like Buddy Garrity eyes up strippers.  HO HO HO!  Oh yeah, thats great hustle!!!!

We can't wait till the 2011 Alizee tournament!  Sure to be another rip-roaring good time!!!!!

Jul 19, 2010

Beer Tents and Show Skiing


VROOM

So like every year the CRB made an appearance at the Wisconsin State Show ski tournament. And as usual we watched some shows and then got drank and forgot most of what we watched. This year we could not make it to the tournament until Saturday so we had already missed two days of skiing.

Thursday


ODBF in the office

Thursday saw the individual events hit the water, with freestyle jump (hell yea), team freestyle jump (double hell yea), swivel (pleasant), and doubles (something).


Team Freestyle Jump

Friday


ODBF studies plan for the day

On Friday the division 2 teams hit the water. As I was busy at work justifying how not to do any actual work and trying to convince bossman that we should convert our office into the office from "Madmen", sexual harassment and all.

/Slaps secretaries ass. Hard.

ODBF is a super hero. That explains the secret identities.

While I was busy trying to get as many lawsuits filed against the company as possible there were hundreds of skiers barefooting, jumping, building pyramids, wearing tights and other such outfits. The Shawno Ski Sharks rained supreme and took home the 1st place hardware. They were followed by a bunch of other small teams that I also did not see so I cant tell you a thing about what they did. But there are about 800 million pictures on this site so go there and check them out.

Saturday


View from the beer tent (this pic is from 2006, so I forgot a camera! No one is perfect) Note the kid in the beer tent...Wisconsin alcoholics start early I guess

So finally I made it to the actual tournament and lucky for all of you they don't start serving beer until about 9 AM. So I wasn't spending CRB money like water and was actually able to watch the first 2 shows and I was not in beast mode until sometime after the 3rd show. So that means I got to enjoy some awesome skiing and the first 3 teams all placed in the top 4. But of course the CRB camera was stolen by a pack of chimps in suits, so there is no photographic evidence of my visit.

So again, go here to see cool pics! I would steal them but they have some crazy thing that wont let me.


That's a interesting way to ski...more of a private time type of action. By the way, are you single?


Sunday

That's about how it was

I have no idea what took place until about 2 PM on Sunday. It appears that in Wisconsin people drink for extended periods of time with no regard for human life. So, naturally, I decided that when in Rome I must do as the Wisconsinites do and drink myself into a coma.


This is Louis Black so the language is NSFW. This warning is for Horton.

At least I did not end up with another man.

Ok so I was actually there and semi alive when they handed out the awards. That's how I knew Shawno won D2. But top 4 for division one was as follows

4th place Mad-City. They win the last four state and national titles and looked like they lost about half their members. So probably a good placing considering the loss.

3rd Badgerland. I doubt I was alive the last time this team placed this well. And they put up the biggest pyro ever run by a a single ski team. Two double top 4 high pyramids. That means its like a 5 tier pyramid just with out the top girl and then there were two of them behind one boat. It was cool, I clapped and then made fun of their costumes.

2nd Webfooters. Kinda wish I had been sober during this show because apparently it was good. Only thing I remember was that their announcers did the OK GO treadmill song. It was really cool.


And first place was the Rock Aqua Jays who dominated the tournament. All around a very good show. I would mention their announcers but they irritate the hell out of me the skiing was very good. I was drinking by this point, so that's really all I remember.

So the theme of the weekend is?

That this is an event that all others need to copy. They get thousands of people to come to the middle of nowhere and spend piles of dollaz on food and beer while sitting in the hot sun watching some skiing. Show skiing is the only division of USA Waterski that has shown any growth in the last few years. That continued growth at a time when the rest of the sport is standing still, maybe we all can learn a lesson.  That being,  show skiers are putting on the water exactly what the non skiing public wants to see. Show skiers know how to play to the audience, something our current 3 event tournaments are beginning to latch onto.

The LA Night Jam seems to have figured it out and other events are catching on (we hope). The average non skier would rather watch paint dry in an air conditioned house then head out to some lake in the middle of nowhere and watch 6 hours of people going around balls floating in the water. Note to all tourny promoters: Slalom is not the most visually stimulating sport on earth to watch from shore. Our sport rules, but if you focus solely on one aspect (slalom) then its boring by itself.  The Big Dog style, bracket style competitions are very cool and hopefully get utilized more.  It makes it a bit easier to digest and understand what is going on.

Jumping is by far the coolest thing done on the water and most tournaments seem to forget that. Trick skiing is really cool to watch, hell wakeboarding and hydrofoils are bad ass in certain doses. The Malibu open seems to be opening up to new ideas by bringing back freestyle jumping. Which makes me crazy excited. I love freestyle and that is one of my main attractions to show skiing, as that has been the only place to see it for the past 10 years or so.

And speaking of the Malibu Open they had promos for it between every show. Show skiers were showing their love for all the 3-eventers. Gotta love that.

Oh...I meant the theme of the weekend was ODBF drunkenness.



One to many Flag Beers eh drunk cat? Amateur hour.

Vid Monday - T-Shirt on the Prowl

We have been kicking around the idea of some CRB apparel for a few months now, in fact, its gone back to our roots at our other site, five or six years ago, that Rowboat Abides started, which became CRB, before that bitch ass went and got PAID by the man. (hit the 30 second mark of the vid for what we did to Rowboat. SHOE PROGRAM!)



Well,  we want to show y'all our first idea for a CRB t-shirt and see what you think.  For now, this is just a early idea of what the final product will look like, sort of like whats going on in your girlfriends stomach right about now.  HAHA!  You got her pregnant!!

Not really.  We did.


Damn, thats a good looking t-shirt.   Thoughts??

Vid Monday - Someone is a G-D Liar


ODBF is going to try and write something that somewhat resembles a retrospective of the ODBF's weekend in bumblefuck Wisconsin, because there was a waterski event happening, and despite what you may or may not read (what am i your god damn parents) don't believe a word of it.

Why you may ask??  CRB HQ is policed by a high tech phone monitoring system, where all phone calls, text messages, skype calls, youporn uploads are all monitored by a central system.  Its pretty simple, but, at the same time our employees seem to never get it right.

Take Greg in the shipping department, he thought he would upload a video of his ex-girlfriend onto a revenge site through his company issued laptop.  Despite being off-grounds, the i.p address was flagged by our server, which we call "dick-stomped", and he was swiftly given the option of quitting or being fired, or being fired at by rifles.

Anyways, we know the GPS location of the tournament that ODBF was assigned to as well as the hotel ODBF was assigned to.

Lets just say, that ODBF was NOT in the location that was sent down from corporate.  His EQ-32 report had better explain why the deviation from the scheduled protocol happened or shit will hit the fan.

Guess one?  booze
Guess two?  skanky hook up.
Guess three?  car trouble

Lets make it easy, car trouble?  doubtful.  All CRB cars are inspected by CRB HQ prior to release (they are all 2003 Yukon Denalis) and powered by mercury.  Skanky Hook Up?  hahaha.  ODBF cant even hook up with a glory hole.  Either side.  Booze?  that is the most logical.

Long story short.  ODBF is a douche.

Vid Monday - Tiny House on the Prairie Style


The above video is one of those weirdo things you get on Yahoo.com sometimes, some random dude/dudette doing something odd and it changes their lives/lives of those around them/cures cancer/WHATEVER.

The reason this one struck us here at CRB HQ is the fact he says "I pay under 100 a year in utilities" Un-god damn-believable.

Think about that for a second!! ODBF spends more then that on a weekend on low-end call-girls/boys.

If you want to waterski on the cheap, well, nine times out of six you are probably screwed, what with the public waters being regulated, boats being so expensive that you have to actually sell your damn arm for down payment, and private lakes mainly being run by douche.

Here is a dude who can tow his house with a pick-up (or in the video a uhaul) and just set up show wherever.

Think Jay Bennet or Jack Travers or your mom would notice a 80 square foot house off in a field somewhere? haha! NO WAY!

You hide your house out there, then sneak up pretending to be a student..."i want to learn how to ski kind sir" then BOOM!! 4 buoys at 15 off. WHAT BITCH!! WHAT YOU GOT ON ME!

SEE???? its that simple.

ODBF will probably have some report on the Wisconsin state show ski tourney that most likely odbf didn't actually attend. but, lies spoken like truth can sometimes taken as the truth if the lie is believable.

Whoa. did we just blow your mind?

Jul 17, 2010

CRB Brings the Sexy - Twice as Nice

So the blogger program decided to mess with me and post when we made the Dita post instead of doing as it was told and posting at 1 AM on Saturday morning. BAD BLOGGER. Or our trained monkeys are idiots and can not punch in dates properly. But due to that terrible mishap we have decided to provide a second CRB Brings the Sexy this week, you are all so lucky! We never got two rounds of sexy when we were young, we had to steal dads playboy and hide in a closet to see any sexy and all you have to do is hit the awesome button on the lappy keyboard and BOOM your at the CRB for all our wit, style and sexy just oozes out of the screen.

Betty Draper. Stepford wife? yes please

January Jones of Madmen does not get enough love from the CRB. We are so infatuated with Christina Hendriks that we have given her short shrift. But now, for your viewing pleasure:

Wow, look at the headlights on that...car

Smoking is bad for you. That outfit on the other hand is good for me

God and some random animals have given us the gift of January, luckily with no snow

I got nothing

Jul 16, 2010

King of Darkness

So somehow we were left off the mailing list about this event coming up in Michigan. Poor play guys, if you want to get out to the public* you need to get your info out to all the media!!
*7 or 8 drunk guys living in their moms basements

But it looks awesome none the less. So if you have a bunch of spare cash you should all race to the airport and grab a ticket and get your ass to Groveland Oaks County Park. I think there are direct flights from all major airports.

Of course when I think of King of Darkness all I can think of is the Prince of Darkness...
I *unintelligible mumbling* purple drank *more unintelligible mumbling* hookers

Morning Lake Trout

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style

Hey look!! Its our name sake. Looks yummy /NOM

So I hate to knock Dita off the top of the page but we cant just have her be the top pic forever! But what I can give you is some Natalie!!!!!11!!!!eleven!!! No bio, no info at all, just a pic of girl looking all hot and what not. Well played Alliance, well played indeed.

"Once you get the bug its hard to stay away". From what? The bathroom? Oh man I got this stomach bug once, and let me tell you it was bad, I would have to race to the bathroom then it was all ***edit out for readers sake*** and thats how I ended up in Wisconsin Rapids with crabs.

Top ten posts about slalom skiing or articles that are thinly veiled ads. UGH. This list should show you why we call them slalom ski mag.

Peterbourogh Ontario has a 3 day wakeboard and music fest coming up. I don't care at all. I should, but I just can't get myself to care. I really tried, I spent at least an hour* trying to read the article but I got distracted by this bright colored bouncy clown head on a pen cap.
/wiggles pen
//giggles
*at least 10 seconds

The Cable Wakeboard World Championships are underway in Germany. Cable skiing could be the future of skiing. Gas will continue its rise in prices, due mostly to unjustified fear that we are running out of oil, and slowly that will drive more and more people off the water and into other sports. But cable skiing is much cheaper (and better for the environment) and quite fun. Bennetts had a portable cable rig set up at the LA Night Jam. Cable parks will end the public lake vs private lake argument, as you cant really just toss up a cable park anywhere.

***Its a good thing the CRB has a ban against spell checking or even proof reading to see if statments make any sense, cuz if we did actually proof read we would probably never put up another post again.***

A drunk driver has ended one Nevada skiers summer early. Look at that picture and tell us that this guy ever should have been given a license in the first place. The DMV should have denied him a license based on that hair cut alone. Come on dude, unless your a hockey player or Canadian you are not allowed to have a mullet anymore.



And speaking of Nevada, it seems that they have lakes there. As the previous story noted a unnamed girl there was a skier, and these two guys are wakeboarders. I guess this means I can cross Nevada off my list of communist states.

And speaking of wake surfing...we weren't talking about wake surfers? Well DAMN IT we should have been!! One of the innovators of wake surfing will be doing a clinic in the tourist town of Minocqua Wisconsin. Oddly enough I will be in the state when this is taking place. Won't be going due to the fact that if you need a clinic in how to wake surf you should just shoot yourself in the face now, preferably with a really big toy gun.*
*CRB is not responsible for anyone that actually takes our advise about anything ever.

And finally how about a little Lindsey Lohan Breakdown...(every other interblag out there is talking about her going to jail, we would rather focus on the fact that she is hot...and crazy...and weird...and a drug addict...and a cry baby...and hot)

Jul 15, 2010

CRB Brings the Sexy - Tasty Water Style

I am typing this post on Thursday as I get ready to head off to Wisconsin to go watch the biggest Wisconsin state show ski tournament. You may wonder why the CRB crew that so loves 3 event skiing would go to a show ski tournament. (note: we go every year) Well we love skiing and that means all skiing...except speed skiing, that is just crazy people who want to kill all the nerves in their arms. Hmmmm, dead arms...that would make The Stranger alot more interesting...

Oh and here is Dita Von Tesse pouring Perrier all over herself...which rules...



Jul 14, 2010

Morning Lake Trout

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style

I thought this happened a week or two ago, so why did slalom ski mag just post it yesterday? Am I going to do any research to see if it happened this last weekend? No. Am I going to do any fact checking at all? Nope. Do it yourself if your so interested! Gosh!!

Yes, she is a better skier then any of us will ever be

Running order, and officials for the largest ski tournament in the world. I always find it kinda funny that the largest waterski tournament (by pulls) is a state tournament, I would think a the nationals would be larger, but showskiers are weird and wear tights, so I guess they play by different rules...and different teams then the rest of us. Oh, and this show tournament is this weekend in some podunk ass town called Wisconsin Rapids. I wonder what state thats in...

Spain won the world cup which is sad...because it means Bobbi Eden will not be dishing out 5000 blow jobs and instead Enrique Iglesias will be skiing naked in Biscayne Bay in Miami. Well I guess thats better then Enrique offering 5000 BJs. Well really, 5000 BJs is pretty gross no matter what, unless your the first guy then your getting sloppy 2nds thru 5000ths. Well maybe Bobbi will take notice of how this model responded to her team losing and follow thru as a "gift" to the team.

Yay naked hipsters...wait...wrong reaction (we will call this pic our answer to all the women saying CRB Brings The Sexy does not show any love for our lady readers)

Need a vacation? Why yes, yes I do. Rowboat Abides is a slave driver* and all of these posts that take up almost all** of my day have been burning out the staff of the CRB world headquarters.
*I think the rowboat sank
**at least 10 minutes

So I can't figure out how to embed this video, so instead you will have to click here and check it out. Its the Tampa Bay ski team thru the years. Its got some pretty sweet footage in there, like pyramids and barefooters in pools like what are used by wakeboarders for expos.

It seems that the Backwater Gamblers won their reagional tournament. Of course there is no information of any use in this article and the picture is about the size of a thumbnail. So don't waste your time clicking on the link. You could make up your own story and it would probably tell you more about what happened then the article does. Like "I heard they won by performing the first ever 27 man around the boat and had a 403 person barefoot line." Pretty crazy stuff, wish I had been there*.
*My American flag has 48 stars. I do not accept Indiana or Missouri as US states.

But first...How about another Foggy Mountain Breakdown (This version is crazy good)

Jul 13, 2010

New Womens WR in Tricks

Nautique has posted on the Twitter Blags that Clem has set a new world record of 9100 in womens tricks. The so kindly posted a video...or a picture...or a trick list...GOD YOU GUYS SUCK! What am I supposed to do on here, just blabber about nothing

CRB Reader: wait...you talk about actual stuff once in a while?

ODBF: YEA I DO LIKE THAT ONE POST WHERE....OR THAT OTHER...oh go screw yourself

ODBF: well heres a pic of clem slaloming


And why do you get a pic of Clem slaloming? Cuz I don't want to do any real work in digging up a pic of her tricking!! OK, come on now, the Google machine is really difficult to use!

/Cuts off hand with pencil sharpener

Flip Like You Mean It

When I first read the note from this guy about this vid, I thought he said Reverse Gainer (I'm an idiot) and got all confused. Would that be called a front flip... A reverse gainer would more likely be a gainer with thrown with the skis going towards the boat, which would be stupid as you would get all tangled in the rope and then probably die. I am often afraid I will die when skiing. Thats why I stay in this bubble in Al Gore's basement. The bubble protects me from all sorts of dangers, but mostly it just keeps Al away, hes always asking for a "happy ending" whatever that means.


and another one which if you read the title you quickly realize that no, its just a guy doing a reverse heli...so again like I said earlier, I'm an idiot.


Yep, they are good. and they need a new camara...

Jul 12, 2010

UCSB Waterski Video

So apparently the UCSB ski team put this video together and won $500. The video is pretty funny, mainly because I do suck at everything. I had to google UCSB to figure out it is the University of California Santa Barbara. Well done guys....

Vid Day Monday

I worked at a ski school back when money meant nothing (broke and living off ski school food) and we put a binding on a plank of wood from one of the docks. Ran the course at about 22 mph on it too. Krista Rogers on the other hand, put a binding on a plank off wood and it looks like she went a bit faster.



/Turn
/Burn
/Death

Ball of Shenanagens.

Vid Day Monday - In Russia Monday Vid Days You

It looks like St. Petersburg in Russia likes to flood. Might have something to do with the fact that Peter the Great had it built in a swamp...no that could not be it. That would be like blaming New Orleans flooding issues with the fact that its built below sea level. Oh...yea, that is the problem...

ODBF: So check out this vid its great, its a flooded street in St. Petersburg
CRB Reader: How is this waterski realated
ODBF: This two girls want to cross the street and they are afraid of the water wreaking their shoes.
CRB Reader: um...skiing...?
ODBF: Then this friendly dude shows up and carries them across the street
CRB Reader: WTF man, have you fallen of the waterski wagon again?
ODBF: /urge to kill rising
ODBF: just go to the 2:00 point in the vid


Chivalrous Russian Carries Women Across Street - Watch more Funny Videos

CRB Reader: /eats crow
ODBF: oh and check out this vid of a puppy fighting a robotic velociraptor
CRB Reader: and back to my previous point...


Jul 10, 2010

CRB Brings The Sexy /moves to Italy



I have no idea what the hell any of them are saying, but this is better then every single show on American TV right now, with the possible exception of Mad Men. And that may only be because I find Christina Hendricks and her scotch drinking ways to be the hottest thing ever. Well besides that one time I saw that girls thong above the top of her jeans in calculus class. Oh yea, my eyes totally scored that day, my Magic: The Gathering buddies were all so jealous.



Ok so Italians have this TV thing nailed down. And they know exactly when to play Tom Jones.

Italy 1
USA prudes 0

Italy wins the CRB Brings the Sexy Cup

ODBF note: If you tuned in this morning to see the morning lake trout then just go shoot yourself in the face right now.

Jul 9, 2010

Doc Jim Can Move A Bouy But Not A Mountain

So the good dentist can make bouys move where he wants them with a flick of a switch, but it appears he is incapable of making mountains do his bidding.



Now we can laugh about this because he and his daughter both survived the crash and are ok. If they had died in the crash or been eaten by velociraptors or something like that then it would be insensitive to laugh.

Oh so you still think we are insensitive? Shut up women and get back in the kitchen and cook me some dinner.

And yes we found this story on Ball Of Horton

Update!! This is the ASN or Aviation Safety Network information about the crash

Morning Lake Trout - TGIF

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style.

Ten how to slalom tips straight from...you guessed it...Slalom Ski Mag. Seriously guys, just change your name and get it over with.

Wait...they still trick ski in tournaments? I would not have guessed that with the recent focus of waterskiing old men on Slalom. I love to slalom, but its god damn boring to watch. Give me jump and trick any day of the week leave slalom on the private lakes in the middle of nowhere. You want to see non skiers line the shores at events? Then stop being complete idiots and put stuff out there that the crowds find interesting. Slalom may be intense for us, but the crowd has no freaking idea what the difference between 22 or 39 off are. But they sure as shit can tell the dif between a wake back and a wake back flip.
/rant over

Waterskiing and beach parties? Hell yea count me in.

Dude has one functioning arm and can kick my ass in wakeboarding. Of course thats not all that difficult, but he could kick alot of good wakeboarders asses too. So yes, that means this guy is bad ass.

Brad Paisly, a floating stage and 5000 boats...Brad does like his water.



I think Brad just raided the CRB for all those vids. Oh and the event sounds like a blast. Booze, music and boats? Hell to the yeaz!

AMERICA: FUCK YEA!

Jul 8, 2010

Morning Lake Trout - Thursday Style

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style.

Boat draw for nationals. My division gets pulled by a Larson? SUM BITCH. I bet they put a weekend wally driver in there as well, all driving over bouys and what not.

Spain is one game away from Enrique Iglasis stripping naked and going skiing. GO ORANJE!!!!

Now if Christina Hendriks had made the same pledge if the US team had won maybe we could have made it all the way! WAY TO GO YOU AMERICA HATER!


Some town with dolphins and a lake with the awesome name Okanagan Lake has waterski and wakeboard camps.

Another reason why Jet Skis are stupid and should all be destroyed. Well except the one that I want to drive all fast at 7AM and cut back and forth across the slalom course just before anyone that is not me goes skiing.

Something about wakeboarders and storms. But again I have already met my quota for wakeboard stories so I passed on actually reading what it had to say. Might be interesting, but I doubt it.



Some lakes seem to have way more fun every day then I do. On the fourth they were out making floats out of their pontoons while I was getting rained on and not skiing or doing anything fun. Well except for the 37 jack and cokes I drank, that was fun. Next morning? not so much.

There is show skiing in North Carolina? I'll be damned. I skied there for a few years and never knew that. Of course with all the sweet ass private lakes around to ski on I would have laughed at the show skiers and gone and blown up off the ramp again. /150 feet to land on head

And then how about some Foggy Mountain Break Down

Jul 7, 2010

Morning Lake Trout

Morning lake trout is our attempt at keeping you all a bit more informed of what is going on in the waterski world. We will attempt to post one of these every morning, but expect it to be more like once a year or so. Thats way more our style.

The Bellevue Iowa show ski team followed the concept of the show must go on this weekend after a couple horses and a wagon went flying thru the crowd injuring many people and killing the driver.

The Southern Extreme show ski team put on a show on July 4th, their first show after one of their skiers was killed during practice a few weeks earlier.

Well now that we are all sad how about some fun news. Waterski hotty and prospective Miss Universe contestant Lauren Eagle from Australia has won her first professional...boxing...match? Yes, I am betting that her handlers for the Miss Universe contest told her that what she needed to do to get ready was to get punched in the face a bunch of times.

This guy wants to ski across Loch Ness to raise money for a charity. I like ice cold water as much as the next guy (/shrinkage) but that damn monster loves to eat him some yankees.


oh, so Nessie just likes reading Simpsons story boards? Carry on then

Heres a story from the Hometown Annapolis. Its about wakeboarding, I read a couple words then saw that it was a long article and got bored and took a nap. Its probably a great article though so you should read it.

What does your email address say about you?
/gets rid of AOL email account, sets up Yahoo

Jul 6, 2010

Seb Steps Out

Sebastian Di Pasqua from Switzerland announced today that he is going to step away from skiing to let a bad knee recover. To retire at 34 is many peoples dream, of course that would lead to them living on the street and begging me for change (GET A JOB YOU BUMS!) but for a skier doing something they love it can not be an easy decision. But it will leave plenty of time for him to do whatever it is that swiss people do, make clocks and arrest American pedophile directors and so on.

Vid Day Monday - Tuesday Edition

So the title makes no sense, but not much else does around here either. It was a long weekend while celebrating our nations birthday by drinking 900 beers and sleeping till noon.

Stole this vid straight from Tales from the Foot, which is a pretty good barefooting website.


According to this vid if I just grow a sweet mustache I will be the best footer on the lake.
/puts rogain on face

Jul 2, 2010

Lake Trout Carry Out

Lake Trout Carry Out is what we are currently calling the random link heap/dump/thing/whatever.

Erika Lang graces the front cover of The Water Skier this month. CRB claimed this girl would make waves way back before she was a big name and pulling down millions of bucks with her crazy huge sponsership deals. That is why the CRB is the number one* location for all of your waterski news!
*number one or one million...something like that

Enrique Iglsias has vowed to get naked and go skiing if Spain wins the world cup. I think I might just pass on watching that one. But, Enrique you need to realize that real men barefoot naked. Just skiing naked is for the lamez.
"If Spain win, I'm going to get drunk and ski naked in Biscayne Bay," he told the BBC. "That is what we used to do when we were kids"
That is a solid plan, he can join Life Jacket who does that on a daily basis...well he does wear a life jacket because safety knows no season here at the CRB

Tubing is not waterskiing! And anyone that tells you different is an idiot...or from IL. oh but it is a good story, so you should read it. Just like every thing we post here is of vital importance.

The Rochester ski team has added a second show night. Why is this news you ask? well because the Google search man told me it was! You have a problem with that then take it up with Google.

Somewhere in the UK their is a wakeboard and music festival that is supposed to draw 15,000 people. The bands are all big name bands like The Ting Tings and Plan B...who the hell are they? British people scare me with their bad teeth and...well really just the bad teeth thing. Anyone over there ever heard of a tooth brush?



I almost care about this story...but its about wakeboarding and I have already met my quota for wakeboard news.

This story is sad. A skier for the Southern Extreme ski team in Naples FL was killed when he crashed into the side of another boat while practicing a new act in the show. Show skiers are normally some of the most anal safety obsessed people anywhere, but it sounds like something went terribly wrong in this situation.