May 29, 2009

Spell it like you mean it

Why is it that a spelling bee makes it to prime time and waterskiing is restricted to (at best) the ION Life network that is shown in about 14 houses across the US.

*note the state name is missspelled* (well played Scripps)

Or ESPN shows hours of poker instead of actual sports. (someone needs to explain to them that their name says they are a SPORTS NETWORK!!!!)


Well actually it might be on then, but I would never know as by 3 AM I way to busy sleeping* and dreaming sweet dreams**.

*at the strip club
**getting my ass kicked by a bouncer for getting a bit to touchy

oh and here is the round 9 words*** from the Scripps National Spelling Bee and the definitions****

AXOLOTL (reference to the number of unnecessary musicians on Chinese Democracy)PLAIDOYER (only fabric that white kid probably wears)
GOOMBAY (Seaside village in New Jersey)
HYPALLAGE (allergy to promotional materials)
BAIGNOIRE (French version of Doritos Late Night)
ARRHOSTIA (medical condition where you speak only in pirate)
BYSSINOSIS (overdose of Percy Shelley poems)
ILIOPSOAS (only fond of Illeana Douglas films)
OEILLADE (not a real word)XEBEC (mythical animal with toes for eyes)
GRISAILLE (Expensive, tasteless, particularly tough piece of steak)
HUISACHE (Costa Rican delicacy made of sugar cane fungus)
NEUFCHATEL (Swiss nudist ski resort lodge)
CRETONNE (those bread things you put on salad to make it taste like something)
SCHIZAFFIN (having multiple Victorian-era personalities)
WISENT (confirmation of FedEx package delivery)
DIACOELE (monocle for citizens of the underworld)
REREDOS (asshole)
ANTONOMASIA (abandoning your car on the side of the road)
BOUQUINISTE (Gay man who opens small clothing shop)
ORIFLAMME (venereal disease)
GUAYABERA (Mexican energy drink)
ISAGOGE (rare type of football play where Lorenzo Neal carries the ball)
SOPHROSYNE (Second year high school co-ed who looks far older and more bangable than she really is)
MENHIR (Sign outside Jeff Garcia’s pool house)
PHORESY (vivid dream about phosphorus)
MAECENAS (Greek ruler who ate his own arm)

and the winning word

LAODICEAN (Southeast Asian form of jailbait)

***How are any of this actually considered words? If I heard someone use any of them in a sentance in normal conversation I would be forced to shove them into traffic
****In the KSK universe

May 28, 2009

Twiggy Test: slalom handles

What up folks!?!?  Gangsta ass minion here breaking it down over the interwebs.  Sorry ladies and dbags I forgot who I was for a moment.  So what is the deal with slalom handles now-a-days?  They are like all sort of different lengths, curved and elipiticaled....  Well whatever we are gonna put them to the test.

Starting it off with the normal handle.  This is the about 11" handle that has been around for like ever its normal and cylindrical.  We found that guess 
what it still works...just the same as it always has.  It is a solid handle and if your used to it, it is
 the bomb digity!  Twiggy gives it no thumbs up, do squirrels have thumbs?

Next up we have the varying length in handles.  We went for the biggest slalom handle we could find.  Which was like 20 inches...then we realized it was a wakeboard handle and washed twiggy off with rubbing alcohol which proceeded to kill him.   

Bring in Twiggy 2!!!

Next, the elliptical handle.  This is where the handle isn't completely cylindrical but kind of curves to your finger tips.  We found that proper skis (not Twiggy 2)  find this great.  Some think it wears there arms out quicker and that is cuz' they are old pussies (ie ODBF).

Nest up is the radius handle.  This one curves so that your hands do...idk what the fuck but its cool.  

Last on our test is the elliptical radius handle.  This thing is dope.  It curves to your hand and bends so that it is easier to bring in when you turn in that course thing with the 6 balls.  This is Twiggy 2's favorite.  But what does he know hes a god damn squirrel.  I have only seen a few of these and cant seem to find a picture of them.  I think masterline makes some, but they may be a custom dealie.

So you may be asking yourself what the hell the point of this was.  To tell you the truth I am asking myself the same thing but I just wrote a bunch of words so it is going up!  Basically a ski handle is a ski handle.  Some feel better for others, its all personal preference but does it make a difference, who really knows.  This should give you a idea of some so go check them out.

Next Test:  Zero off settings, right after we read the manual and figure out what the hell they mean!!!

Minion out bitches....

May 27, 2009


The terrorists won

If Mr. Locke keeps this up, the CRB Staff is going to start thinking that maybe we are dating.

In the latest Exec Report Mr. Kool-Aid himself again threw the CRB some love. Which, we accept with the voracious appetite that Charles Manson accepted free steaks from those weirdo girls that lived on his ranch.

BTW. Your "drinking the Kool-Aid" line? No, we don't play that way, simply the best scotch available, thats how we roll. Get on board.

However, given our nature, we had to get after that post for the motivational quotes. We have those all over the CRB offices, but, c'mon, its sooo...cheesy, but, the thing is, though, its tough to criticize or poke fun when they are showing you love.


Its an evil plot to soften us up!!!! You don't want our razor sharp wit and wicked strong tongue lashings again huh? HUH?

You Win! We give!! Here is a picture of a cute bunny!!!

Oh My God! Its nibbling on a blanket too! Jesus, We are going to buy a Volvo and a hybrid boat.

...but whats with this?
I don’t know who owns it, writes for it, provides the graphics or anything (I think it is a secret society in either Wisconsin or Minnesota). CRB is an offbeat, often profane, irreverent, clever, and funny site that is not for everyone. But, it is a hoot as it twists and turns throughout water sports. By all means, this is not a site for a serious technocrat or those not interested in the poking of fun.
Well now...profane? Sure we drop some F bombs from time to time, but, a secret society? Like the Skulls? haha. no way, you crazy.
We cook your meals. We haul your trash. We connect your calls. We drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us.
Damn you Tyler.

No, we just hope people can chuckle along at the CRB nonsense, regardless of who we are, where we are or what we are.

Rowboat did come out as Natalie Portman, and he/she doesn't work here anymore.

Anyways, lets break this down point by point.

1) I don’t know who owns it: Um, the google owns us.

2) writes for it: A consortium of highly paid staffers, interns and posse people. Or as we have mentioned a million times, the CRB Staff.

3) provides the graphics or anything: The google, and photoshop, and most dear to our heart? MS PAINT. WHATS UP RYKERT?

4) (I think it is a secret society in either Wisconsin or Minnesota): Not even close. and not that far away. Right in your backyard and not even in your neighborhood. We are located in Al Gores driveway. on the interwebs.

5) CRB is an offbeat: We hope so, my goodness, if anyone takes the thunder we bring serious, there would be some bodily harms.

6) often profane: Of course.

6) irreverent: We think that you are referring to something like Pontiac or public pools, or Shaq, or condoms, or.... hahahaha....Irreverent...not irrelevant. our mistake!

7) clever:
Thats the best compliment we could ever receive, that's what we aim for.

8) and funny site that is not for everyone:
Thank God!

9) But, it is a hoot as it twists and turns throughout water sports:

10) By all means, this is not a site for a serious technocrat or those not interested in the poking of fun:
Truer words have never been spoken, our job, in the contract we signed, it states,

and we quote,

"/cock punch"

So, there ya go! Thanks for the love Steve!

May 24, 2009

Freddy Wins!

What a cool feeling that must be, you are rolling back down the lake and the person in the boat, or wherever, lets you know that you will be the Masters Champ...The above screen grab is from the webcast (which is really one of the coolest things going on now).

Obviously, go here to see more.

Side note, its fantastic to listen to Tony Lightfoot say Angeliki Andriopoulou. So good!

May 23, 2009

# five ohh

The 50th masters is running this memorial day weekend. Juniors finished up with their finals this morning.

Tricks looks like it was a good show, with a dominating performance by Iris Cambray of 7670, 1850 points ahead of Erika Lang of the US. Pickos Jr of the US just edged out Martin Kolman of the Czeck Republic with a score of 9580 to Martin's 9220 .

The Top spot on the slalom podium was held by two americans, Caroline Hensley with 2@38 off and K.C. Wilson with 4@38 off. Quite the score by Caroline in the always interesting conditions at Callaway Gardens.

Jump saw Lauren (poochie) Morgan put a sold 137 out, showing she will be a compeditor in the years to come, close on her heels was the solid 3 eventer Caroline Hensley at 130. On the Mens side Alberto Mejia of Columbia booted a solid 167.

Overall was wrapped up by Caroline Hensley of the US and Martin Kolman of the Czeck Republic.

There was a notible absence on the jr mens side, the young phenom Zack Worden decided to give the big dogs a run and with they way he has been jumping this year that was probably not a bad idea. but the veteren Kyle Eade was able to edge him by 1 foot with a 214 to Zack's 213 for the last spot in the finals. That kid will be one to watch in the comming years.

and speaking of the big dogs, the Masters semis were completed today as well.

Clementine Lucine (7910) and Nicolas LeForestier (11040) showed that the french are near invincible in Tricks, something in the water over there, they are just always a step ahead. Whitney McClintock of Canada, Alex Lauretano of the US, Natalia Berdnikova of Belerus all advanced along with Michale Briant of Australia who knocked off Rhoni Barton in a runoff for the last spot. And joining the incredible French tricker will be Aliaksei (Ace) Zharnasek of Belorus, Jimmy Siemers of the US, Jaret Llewellyn of Canada and Oleg Deviatovski.

In a very tigh womens semi Whitney McClintock of Canada put up the top score of 4@38 off, but right on her heels was April Coble Eller of the US with 3@38 off, Karina Nowlan of Australia, Clemtine Lucine (FRA) and Jill Knutson of the US advanced from a 3 way run off that saw Anais Amade of France just miss the cut. On the Mens side Chris Rossi of the US was the only one to run 38 off and put up a solid 3@39 off, joining him in the finals will be Aaron Larkin of New Zealand, Will Asher of Great Britain, Jamie Beauchesne of the US and Chris Parrish of the US. The Slalom finals are looking to be quite the event, some very solid skiers in there.

In Jump last years winner Natalia Berdnikova of Belorus mised the cut by 3 feet with a hugh 151, that shows the level of competion this year. June Fladborg of Denmark put up the top score of 164, Marion Mathiew of France, Angeliki Andriopoulou of Greece and crazy name land, Marie Vympranietsova of Greece and crazy name land and Clementine Lucine of France will hit the water in the finals. on the mens side the Zack Worden missed out by 1 foot but that is nothing to be ashamed of as the finals will exibit the whos who of jumping in the world with Freddy Krueger of the US, Jason Seels of Great Britain, Jaret Llewellyn of Canada, Ryan Dodd of Canada, and Kyle Eade of New Zealand all advancing.

Clementine looks to have the overall wrapped up already, that girl is by far the most dominate force in overall waterskiing right now.

I wish I could have made it this year, but the Creaky Rowboat is a cruel boss and I am a coward...soooooo instead I have to live vicariously thru the twittering of John Horton and the Masters Website


ODBF: Ok ill get back to work!!!! ahh

But first, a documentry of last years masters

May 17, 2009

Day 1

All-Stars is happening! Day one online at, check it out!!

From what we can gather early on, simply by looking at what is posted. The CRB staff is pissed that we aren't there. There are some Storm sightings, some Sligar sighting and a bunch of people whose names are complicated to type. Hopefully as the weekend works itself out, there will be more smiths and andersons winning, because people with last names that don't have vowels in them are tough to type!

How many CRB girls are skiing? Anyone?

F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby!

May 9, 2009

Oh, Hell Yes

Oh yeah!! GET IT ON!!! Its the CRB favorite time of the year. The CRB Staff is at full attention (hi-ooo) and no, its not just because this is the one time of year that the ODBF gets some refunds and ladies of the do the math.

No No! its almost COLLEGIATE ALL-STARS!! OMG! LOL! ROFL!! AT&T!! LMAO!! GTFO!! whatever, its on May 16th and and 17th way...really?

um...tee hee.

Beaver Lake!

YES!! I bet its really moist! Maybe they got rid of all the sea-weed to the lake is really smooth!! wait..theres more.

/100,000 volts shocking through keyboard.

sorry! YAY All-Stars!! As always we will have a wicked pissa of a re-cap after its done.

If there is not some sort of pyrotechnic display or a surprise appearance by Foghat, or unexplained pregnancy, well, the CRB will do what we can to punch up the festivities with our amazing and Pulitzer prize winning recap.

Lets do the damn thing!

May 8, 2009

time to get my shalom on

That would be quite the pyramid to see.

What is going on here any ways? I had to take a double take when i found this, trying to figure out if it was supposed to be funny or anti semetic or just odd. It appears it is A and C and D.

D = wtf m8?

but this all brings me back to my point, ITS 75 AND SUNNY IM GOING SKIING WOOOOOT!!!!

see ya suckas!

May 4, 2009

I suggest picking up a wetsuit!

Stolen straight from Tales from the foot this old school goodness combines my two favorite things; Ed Mcmahon and 70s style yellow foam life jackets. Nothing better on a hot day on the lake then some bright yellow rock hard foam bunched up around your ears and some good publishers clearing house letters telling me if I order some magazines I will win 10 million bucks.

It appears that Ed has no clue what hes talking about, then again I doubt he ever did.

Its to Dang Cold!

Enjoy this weather you hot piece of ass! Dispatch from the CRB weather desk Guess what???  ITS COLDER THEN A WELL DIGGERS ASS OUT THERE KIDS...