Feb 21, 2017

Lt. Daniels Adjusts To Life In 2017



Take a breath Lt. Daniels, it may not make sense to you right now, but, thats ok.

Every generation has this, people explore themselves, their relationship with their fellow human, redefine ones assumptions of gender identity.

Besides, a Trebuchet is a pretty cool type of catapult, imagine hooking up with one of those at a ski tournament.

Someone is pregnant.

Just not sure whom

Lets All Get Epilepsy!


This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd.  This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.

In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.

Gdansk = Jaquess

David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.

Boosh.  Make it full screen.  Smoke some weed.

You will die soon.

Feb 16, 2017

Holy Moly - Get This Kid On A Show Ski Team

"For every back-flip you get a cookie" | Kid: 

Look at this! My lord, and he sticks the landing! Amazing.

Strap some 68 inch jumpers on that kid, point him toward a ramp.

 Sit back and collect your 500 point show ski act.

 Legend in the making

Feb 14, 2017

CRB Valentines Help: 2017

Oh baby, you got me a bong?!
Most people view this day as a day in which to celebrate those close to them, a way in which to shed the nonsense of day to day life and refocus on their loved ones, a day devoted to them...its lovely and we at the CRB are here to help.

Because, lets be honest, 90% of people about 50% of the time turn to the crb 25% of the time for 5% of their love live needs.

If you are a math person that equals like 170% of people, so, good luck with your e-harmonize and your tinder and your healthy relationships.  We are here to offer you the proper V-Day syllabus.
  1. Get something that comes from the ground that is colorful.
    1. Weed is a good start, its mostly legal and removes inhibitions
    2. edibles are also nice.  a ginger bread cookie or mushrooms are never not a thing that you could do.
    3. Flowers sure, why not.  Get the expensive ones, roses are nonsense, but, get ones that smell good. Trust us.  We are divorced
  2. Long car. 
    1. don't be an idiot, spring for a limo.  be it a Lincoln or a hummer or a, whatever, ford.  
    2. If that is not realistic, at least, leave your car just like it is normally..because nothing says love like, "here, wait, let me get these empty water bottles off my seat quick...also, ignore the court ordered summons and black tar heroin on the floor mats"
  3. Remember this day isn't about you
    1. And its not about your other 1/2.  its about mass consumerism and light bondage 
      1. also: banging.
  4. flowers aren't bad.
  5. Oreo cookies are not wise.
  6. Chicken Noodle Soup is messy, and really a bad choice for bed time playtime.  Your sheets are damp as hell now you idiot.
  7. Good lord, don't take advice from this website. Only two things would happen
    1. Instant pregnancy
    2. Taco bell Drive through. 



Both of those are bad!!!  Kids and mass-constructed tacos are bad for your financially and health wise!!!

So, what do we do?

Go to a restaurant, order two cobb salads, (heavy on the ham and green peppers) and 3 bottles of wine.  

Then fall asleep on the couch watching house on netflix. 

Thats it.  Don't over think it.  oh...get a slice of apple pie and use that in the bed room.  Its never not a bad idea.  Serious, you will have triplets in 2 months if you do this.  Why?  

Because this is America still.  Isn't it?

If you are lucky enough to have someone that can deal with your shit on a daily basis and you are happy with them, or at least not homicidal, then you are on to something.

That is a step up from some. We have been murdered two or three times at least this year alone. Thats always a bad thing. The dry cleaning bills alone make it not worth your own death after 2 of them.


There, now you have all you need to know to make this valentines day perfect.

Also, tip for the professionals out there.  Flavor blasted gold fish always set a romantic mood.

Eat a couple of those and

/takes off pants

/slips and falls out of the window (somehow)

/gets run over by a garbage truck

AGAIN????

CRB Reviews Tow Vehicles - 2017 Chevy Silverado

Often times we are queried from the waterski community on our opinion on various waterski related topics, from nutrition, to equipment, to health, to drugs, to cold cuts...it runs the gamut.  

One of the more interesting questions that we receive at CRB HQ is what is the best vehicle to tow your boat.  In this and on-going posts, we will discuss and grade the various offerings out in the marketplace for how well they tow boats.


CRB REVIEWS TOW VEHICLE: 2017 Chevrolet Silverado

You can't afford me

Initial Thoughts: 

This truck looks tough as hell.  Pick ups have seem to be like someone in their late teens, can't quite decide what look they want to go for.  Changing dramatically every couple of years.  You tell someone you have a Silverado and they probably think of the early 2000's version or maybe the square headlamps version from around 08 and on.

Never the less, its a good looking rig

The new apps are bonkers

Comfort:


It has alot of tech stuff going on, cameras and bluetooth and buttons to push that you aren't always sure what they do.  Sometimes music plays, sometimes a small dildo comes out of the glove box.

How did you know Sheila was so in need Chevy???

Some trucks now have things that help with the brakes of the trailer, but, our biggest beef and maybe its changed is, that, we wish there was a way for the back up camera to point straight down at the hitch so when loading up the trailer, you could be really accurate.



Also the seats are pretty good, we guess, and at least the CRB truck the center console part flips up so you can have a sort of bench seat up front for either having sex or getting extra day laborers in for your landscape job.


but, mostly the sex part.

Pro tip:  Do this while driving on the highway!  Blueberry flavored orgasms y'all.

See this plow?  Curious?  Ask your mum.


Power:

It has a big ass engine, so hauling a boat around is really not a problem.  And probably gets ok mileage.  If you don't have a heavy foot.

Pansy.

There is crazy technology now, so, it has like, we don't know, 400 horsepower and enough torque to pull your house 3 feet to the west so your bitch ass neighbor quits complaining their property line and how your house and/or your slip and slide quite encroaching on their land.

God, our neighbor is a whiner.

Dude, just because your family life is in ruins because you can't perform is by no means a reason to not return our damn lawn mower and cat.

Didn't use their blinker. 


Behind the Wheel: 

Pretty darn good.  Its powerful, drives pretty nice.  Not a sports car, but, doesn't trip over its own dick.  Serious thought, we would really like our cat back.  That isn't something that even makes sense in the terms of the unspoken agreement that neighbors have.

Its one thing to forget about an inanimate object, like a lawn mower.

Even thought is a riding god damn lawn mower,  not something that gets lost in the garage.

But, you have our cat.  You have to like, feed it and clean the litter box.

Your doing that right?  Jesus Doug, you aren't just letting Meow Zedong just poop wherever are you?  C'mon man!  Have some dignity!!!

Serious though, if this is something you need to talk about, 90% of the CRB is on the deck in the evening grilling up meats and drinking beers most nights, just come by and we can help.  Samantha in A/R has been through some things in her life and would be happy to help out.  She has a degree in something from a place we hadn't heard of.  But, she berated us for our lack of snacks in our waiting room, so she was hired with extreme prejudice, and with a healthy raise after 1 day.

Quit eating so much corn Doug


Final Thoughts:

What we are saying dude, is that, if you need some help with things, its ok.  We all go through that, its nothing to be embarrassed about.  Life is not something that one can go through alone without at least having someone to bounce things off of.  Otherwise you end up wearing chaps and a clown nose and doing hand stands in your back yard for beggars quarters.

At least that is what we have heard.

Shut up.  It was a phase.

So for real, every thursday at CRB homefront, we make ribs and only drink either fruitopia w/ vodka or fireball with tabasco and mellow yellow.

We don't know either, its really bad and dumb.  But, fun!!

Come by, no questions asked.  Other then where the hell is our cat and mower.  And yo, we make hella ribs.  Not the bullshit short ribs either, the meaty ass ones that come from the shoulder area.  They are worth it, the smoker goes for like 12 hours, various brisquites and ribs, covered in the CRBsauce.  Which is mainly water, ketchup, jalepenos, salt, pepper, and grape jelly.

Come on by Doug, we are worried about you.

On second thought, we will just come over.  This is becoming something more then we can bare.

Oh, and the truck is fine.  Its floating in the pool.  Yolo Son.

No doug, that is not YOLO

CRB Cooking School: Coffee

Beans are spilled
Item: Coffee

Description: A typical morning beverage for people who stay up to late at night writting silly blog posts on a waterski based website that they haven't figured out a way to monitize yet.  Maybe?

Why?: General laziness mainly, as we offended the google ad people by having nudity on the site a few years ago so that didn't work, and from there we aren't sure what to do, despite like, hundreds of thousands of salary going to our unpaid interns.  College, haha, right?

OH! Why coffee, because its A) a morning drink that helps you wake up and B) a nice routine based item to help us live out the rest of our days with a sense of calm instead of shrieking dispair.

What do you need?  Coffee beans.  Duh.  and a coffee maker, and depending on the state of your beans, also a grinder.

So, in order

1) Aquire beans.  Go to the store, either a grocery store or your local coffee shop and acquire beans.

Some people get all huffy of what kind of beans, its like the beer snobs, its whatever you like.  There are heavy type coffee and light type...ask the person working there for help.  Thats what they do!  But as a general rule of thumb - - darker, heavier coffees are for people who have a wider palate of tastes, where as, lighter coffee tends to be for people who like sea food and think pepper is to spicy for their chicken wings*

2) Have coffee maker.  This is an apparatus that puts hot water through ground beans and a filter into a big glass jug.  Which you then pour from into a smaller jug.  Then goes into your face.

3) Coffee grinder: If you have beans that are un-ground.  Get one of these, you get them at a store.  Its a thing that grinds beans into a powder.  Like your cocaine.  The CRB Grinder is in the floor behind the shelf because someone got drunk and knocked it onto the ground.

Because apathy.  Its pathetic.  Also, it was me.  and I wasn't drunk.  And it wasn't on the ground.  It was on a different shelf that I forgot about.  Also, I don't own one. So the other shelf was the one at the store.  Which I don't go to.  Whatever, they cost like 5 dollars.  Get two of them.  one for coffee and one for achiote paste.  Thats something we will tackle at a later cooking school.  Its used for pork mostly.  Its really good and has nothing to do with coffee.

How do you make it?  Its really pretty easy.

You simply get a filter and put it in the tray thing in the coffee maker.  Which, yes, you should also get filters.  They are located at the store by the coffee and grinders, and also, like, one row away from condoms, which you don't need.

Put the filter in the thing.  Fill the other thing with water.  The other thing is the part behind the part where the filter is, its the part that looks like it could fit a bunch of water.

Put like.  Maybe...2 1/2 table spoons of ground coffee into the filter contraption.  Something like that.  We screw it up always.  But you can always add bourbon.  Which, when mixed in coffee in the morning, isn't a cry for help, its a sign of sophistication.

And also a way to drive to work better.

Then you turn the machine on.  Wait about 30 seconds before cussing at the thing because it is taking so freaking long to put the water from the contraption that holds water into the glass contraption in the front that also holds water.

Tell the damn thing to go to hell or eat a dick or whatever and then walk out of the room and onto the porch to get a beer out of the cooler you left open from the night before, because you aren't responsible and forgot to bring in the cheez-its and cold cuts.

Drink that quickly, its 7:30 in the AM you danged fiend!!!!

Then, go take a shower.  With your beer.  Actually, you should grab another.  Because shower beers are great.  Enjoy yourself.  Life is short.  Have fun.  The hell with them if they can't take a joke.

Drink your beers in the shower.  Sing along to the kings of leon song that came on, dang that was a good concert.


Oh, god damn it, they are playing the red hot chile peppers,

Should have got the bluetooth speaker thing your ex-girlfriend mentioned.  Then you could listen to your own music and not this garbage.  Shut up Samantha!  Im glad your gone.  No, my face is wet from the shower.  Its not a tear.  Your beef stroganoff sucks.

I didn't mean that.  Come back.

ugh...slam your beer and turn off the radio, they are garbage.  Dry off, put on your clothes, throw the empties into the trash and go down stairs.

At this point, 4 ounces of coffee should be ready to go.

Pour that, whoop!  Side note.

Pouring: that means holding the coffee receptacle in one and and a smaller receptacle in the other and transferring liquids.  Most people do this without to much trouble.

Ok, we are now at the critical juncture.

Getting that fluid into your face.

Its hot, right?  So what we do is this....

PRO TIP: put an ice cube into your cup...the receptacle, to get rid of some of the aforementioned heat.

Thats it!!!!

You have now made coffee.  And if your doing it right, you have a slight buzz going.  Your day is going to be so damn good.

Now What?: Get in your car and drive to work.  Make that money kid.  You have to do this for the next 40 years and then die.

You will be fine.  life is not linear.  Its a winding road to absolution



* complete bullshit


Buy Some Jump Skis - Ignore Your Dumb Knees

You know you want to ride me


Remember what it was like to feel?

Its been muted recently by all the time spent in the bars,

You're now second rate compared to your contemporaries,

Its time to stand up and be the aggressor. 


Time for you to make your life ideal,

To watch the zombies go by in their cars,

It doesn't matter, its time to be extemporary,

Put everything aside, there is no time to be clever,


Bones heal,

Chicks dig scars,

Pain is temporary,

Glory is forever. 


Jumpers are only $1,650, its quite a deal,

Available in 68 inches, not the ones that take you to mars,

Its a bit of cash, but the deal is quite extraordinary,

The hell with it, your knees won't last forever


Liquor in the front,

Poker in the rear,

If you can't run with the big dogs,

Get off the porch


*fin*



LINKS:
Performance Ski and Surf - not an ad, serious.  was shopping for skis

Feb 13, 2017

Omar Just Wants You To Be Safe


This is important, lets take a moment to thank Omar for making sure we are safe when we are out on the boat.

An extra ounce of caution could potentially save your life.

So, thank you Omar. Get some Honey Nut Cheerios in ya.

Feb 12, 2017

GET UP AND GET RAGE!!!


OH MY GOD!  GO!

RAGE!!!

DO SOME PUSH UPS!  DRINK A BLOODY MARY!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHH

/trips and falls down stairs

DAMNIT!

Feb 11, 2017

Our Sport Is Amazing


Look at this picture.

LOOK AT IT.

How cool is this?  It may mean nothing to you, you don't even have to know who this is.  We don't.  But, man, is that a great picture.

She has fire on her legs!!!

She is smiling!!

Our stupid sport is so amazing.

Also, she is so much more in shape then we ever even hope to be its sick.

Feb 9, 2017

Have You Tried Mint Chip Ice Cream?

Holy shit you guys, have you ever tried mint chip ice cream?  Its amazing!

We went to the local ice cream shop here in crburbia, and while we were told to exercise
caution, once our eyes laid eyes upon that amazing display of green and black, yo, there was no coming back.


good luck with your off-season diet, you bitch
We asked for a sample and oh my god....

mint chip got in your pants
So, it was confusing at first, because we have never thought about a different flavor of ice cream like that.

But, you know, if the opportunity ever presented itself that way...you know...its the year 2017, who are we to turn down an offer, right?

Its one of those things that is hard to bring up to your family, "hey, we am not sure if we are sold on ice cream sundaes, we sort of think, you know, that maybe we want to explore...you know..."

And that is when our dad flipped over the table and screamed..

"IF YOU THINK THAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN VANILLA ICE CREAM, WELL, THIS IS MAYBE NOT THE HOUSE YOU SHOULD BE LIVING IN!"

This was hard to hear, because, different flavors of ice cream shouldn't really cause that much of rift within the household.

But, long standing traditions be that as they may.

It is 2017, people may like different kinds of ice cream.

Feb 8, 2017

Omar is Helpful

Stringer Bell: "I am pretty excited to go out on the water today, I have been working on my whirlybirds.  Plus, I think I am going to bring along the big box of cheez-its, some cold cuts and a case of natty ice.  Hey Omar? Where should I put all this stuff??"

Omar:



Stringer: "Thanks buddy! Wallace should be here shortly to be the third!"




Feb 7, 2017

Feb 6, 2017

Do You Even Know How To Orange?


Are you trying to put the orange back together?   or take it apart?

either way your doing it wrong.

CRBailbag. Vol. 1

My balls are starting to float

Over the 10 years or so CRB has been alive, we have received tons of emails asking us questions, from who we are, to how to waterski, to how to talk to the opposite sex...and from there you can only imagine.  In our first edition of CRBailbag, we will attempt to answer some of those questions. 

Jacob from Sacramento
Who are you, what do you do, and how are you so god damn great all the time?
Great question Jacob, and you should feel really special because you are the first email we will have ever answered on the website.  In fact, in our board meeting we have often times debated doing a segment like this, and well, its never been received well from the board members.

That being said. Allow us to answer this question point by point.

1) Who are we?  we are a collective of the best and brightest minds in the entire world of water based sports.  Every day we get together at the CRB HQ, which has the security like you can't imagine.  Suffice to say, all of our anus's and the security guards know each other well. Matter of fact, Spence, our head guard, was able to both A) detect one of our staffers colon cancer and B) also find their G spot.

2) What do we do? Control the entire world of all water based sports. That sounds like something pretty big, but, really it is.  we have as many as two or three computers.  Its amazing, each of them have their own aol log in disc.

hold on.

I am being reminded that CRB Classic is no longer functional and I should get out of my hyperbaric chamber.

Right, there are servers and like, hella computers all over.  Anyways, what?  We don't know, its a talent.

3) How are we so good all the time?

Skills baby.

Stephanie from Springfield

I can never seem to land my off-side, or reverse wake-o.  It feels like my balance always gets shifted in-correctly and I catch my front edge.  Has this happened to you and what can I do to fix it?
Thanks for the email Stephanie, first of all. No, that doesn't happen to us.  As we aren't garbage on a trick ski.  We trained for years with the ninja master him self.  Nicolas Leforest.  Remember the scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thermos has to punch though a piece of wood with her fingers?

Yeah, thats how Nikolas LaForester trains you.  You don't succeed ever, you only don't suck less.

This is the mind-set that you need to learn, its not your fault that you can't land that trick. Its your fault that your mind isn't strong enough to not allow yourself to succeed.

Make sense?

But, to ease your sense of burden, we went to our own in-house expert for their opinion and this is what they said.

Expert - "Whats the question?"
CRB - "Read Above"
Expert - "oh, duh, just don't land with that part of your ski in the water"
CRB - "yeah, thanks"
Expert - /eats plate of cheez-its and cold cuts

Ericka from Orlando
I want to be on my college's ski team, but, I am not that good, i get weird around the other people on the team...and their friends, who are good.  Again, i am not good.  I want to be a part of this, but, I am not sure if I am welcome.
Here is the thing Ericka, waterski people are not a judgemental type.  They can be stand off-ish, but, they sure as heck aren't judgmental. Now, of course, through the course of your life you are going to run into people that are that way.  And that is ok, they are shit anyways, however, you can't judge in that moment.  maybe they are talking to their friends, maybe they are in a similar situation as you...people can't be judged in the moment.  It may feel weird, but its true.  Your good friend may look like an ass if you run into them at a certain moment.

Here is the deal, 95% of waterski people are the best people you will ever meet.  But allow them that 5% buffer.

Besides, its worth your effort, because, you will have friends for life.

Zoe from Sedona

Hey, we hooked up a few years ago, and now we have a kid, what the hell?
lol, pranksters.

All thought that may explain the additional item on the crb payroll.

Did you work at the airport bar?  because if you did, then, hell yeah we are on board for child support or at least waterski lessons.  If not, pretty sure one of our coolers is full of cold cuts and hamms beer.

Either way, I think we are married now. So, jokes on you.


Feb 3, 2017

Coaches Corner - Spotting

CRB COACHES CORNER:
This is a subsection of CRB where we tackle the various aspects of waterskiing and help you, the reader, figure out ways to master the smaller aspects of our sport.  We rely on our stable of talented professionals for their advice, guidance and wisdom.  You will be smarter, better and more talented after reading our coaches corners.  all aspects of our sport are covered, all disciplines and all areas. 

CRB COACHES CORNER: SPOTTING



LOL, i dont know.  I think they fell..he? she?

HAHA.

Beats me.  There is no one back there anymore.

Are there sharks or alligators in the water here?


lol.  whatever.

Do a wheelie.



YOLO

Feb 2, 2017

Ski Boat Car



Gah, CUT LATER AGNES!

Welcome to CRB Airlines


Brap Brap Brap

*phone rings*


dodgestratusdriver:  GOOD MORNING, THANK YOU FOR CALLING CRB AIRLINES, WHAT DO YOU WANT?






sowhiteithurts:  Excuse me?  You can not speak to me that way sir, I demand to speak with your boss







dodgestratusdriver:  DO YOU WANT TO FLY IN OUR BAD ASS PLANE OR NOT?  LISTEN REALLY CLOSE, I DIDN'T DRIVE MY CUTLASS CIERA FROM MY BASEMENT APARTMENT TODAY JUST FOR THE PLEASURE TO TALK TO YOUR STUPID FACE.  FLY PLANE YES NO?




sowhiteithurts:  Stupid face?  How dare you, I have spent thousands of dollars on this face to make it...wait, how can you see my face.

Never mind, i read something on IDontLikeToDoAnythingOutOfMyComfortZone.com that you have a special plane that is set up just for people who waterski, I need to know every single thing about this service before I even consider purchasing tickets.

My kids, Jax, Troika and KtlinMariBeth do not eat peanuts or anything with peanuts in them, only gluten-free organic foods served immediatly after their Pilates/Crossfit exercise schedule...Are you listening to me?

dodgestratusdriver:  ........

no.





dodgestratusdriver:  I AM GOING TO PUT YOU ON HOLD FOR A SECOND, OTHERWISE I WILL KILL MYSELF WHICH I WOULD PREFER OVER TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE INSTEAD OF YOU FLYING IN OUR BITCHIN ASS AIRPLANE




*Puts sowhiteithurts on hold*


Feb 1, 2017

Wakeboarding in Hamsterdam



Thats a good teamate, good on ya Omar.  Appreciate the work of your teamate.

Get A Load Of This



Lets try this from a diplomatic way.  We all like pretty girls and we all like being coaxed along to making fantasy type videos showing us in some world we don't actually operate in, but, putting forth that image is fun.  Harmless.  Sexy nonsense fun.

Our industry is full of slow motion dudes being athletic and some sexy girl being slow motion sexy with no regard to their talent.  No mention of her skiing ability, but, lets concoct a typical waterski video, shall we?  Remember, the key points.  Girls ass, dudes skiing, girls doting on dude, girls in bikini, dude skiing, girl being excited for dude, thats it.

Its all 18 year old guys dream cycles, the sheets are sticky, the symptoms are there.

Its old, its played out, its annoying.

Lets not get twisted, sexy sells.  We aren't above that at all, but this video, are so horribly thought out, produced and conceived that it actually frustrating.

The girls do nothing, and we have amazing girls in our sport.  This clown doesn't have even half the talent of the girls that our sport has, no matter the discipline.

Wakeboarding you have Dallas, 3-event you have Regina and Alex, tennis you have Maria.

There is a level of video that we haven't got to yet, and its not just being able to slow things down or speed it up to look cool. its a level beyond that we are close to.  There are snippets of amazing cinematography in damn near all the waterski videos that are out now.

The level of talent in terms of ski ability and photography in our sport is amazing, its Warren Miller ish in its terms of production value and the omnipresence of portable cameras.  We have the ability as a sport ot make things that other sports don't

Our sport is photogenic, its beautiful, it lends itself to an artistic eye.

Its more then pretty girls ass's and some dipshit who has video editing software on a computer with a boner.

Expand and we can grow.  Its an amazing age we live in.  Utilize it.

Norm Macdonald on Dennis Miller

\ stumbled onto a youtube wormhole earlier today and again, was struck by norm.   we've detailed it before in our emo ass post, here , b...