May 30, 2008

All-Stars Round-Up. Right on Time

Well, here we are!! Here is the third annual installment of the Collegiate All-Stars by your friends at the CRB. This is just about two-weeks late...just like your girlfriend!!!

HAHA!!! Just kidding, your not the father.

Team Midwest is again the champion of the world of waterskiing at colleges. A small and furry puppy stopped by and gave us the low-down, the cute little pup said it went down something like this.

Team Mid-West: Hello Western Region, I see you won the title last year.
Western Region: Um, yeah...remember, you were there as well.
Team Mid-West: Yeah, thats true. So, about that whole thing. We would like to have that trophy and cash and accumulation of celebrity status that comes with winning back, you know, if you don't mind.
Western Region: Right mate, sorry, but, we do mind and would just as soon keep our trophy, gold bricks and cocoa plant farm.
Team Mid-West: Huh, well....lemme just think about this for a sec....
Western Region: What are you doing?
Team Mid-West: CURB STOMP BITCHES!!!! *Team Mid-West is Curb-Stomping the shit out of the Western Region*
Western Region: Sheesh, you didn't have to be so stompy!!

To recap:

2006
Mid-west = 8745 points
Western = 6155
Eastern = 1910
South = 0 (not good at waterskiing)

2007
1) Western Region - 11,010 (Whats wrong Team Mid-West? Not good at waterskiing?)
2) Team Midwest - 7,020 (Silent, pent-up rage...building)
3) Eastern Region - 3,090
4) Southern Region - 3,065 (someone took lessons!)

2008
1) Team Mid-West - 10450.0 (BOOM BITCH!!)
2) Western Region - 9315.0 (/gurgle)
3) Eastern Region - 3625.0 (why are we making this harder on ourselves?)
3.5) um? - 1300.0 (I don't know)
4) Southern Region - 1240.0 (We showed up)

So, thats basically what happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Simple physics.

Or, another theory that has been floated around is that waterski skill is a finite thing that can only be dispersed in small quantities and you recieve a new amount on the first of the year. Meaning, the fact that people who live in the mid-west and get demolished by winter every year actually have MORE skill then people who live in the south because they have saved up skill.

Thats probably not the case though, as everyone knows, beer fuels waterski talent, not talent and hard-work fueling the....uh oh...derail.

We are now babbling.

Babble

Congrats to Team Mid-West. All your lifelong dreams have now come true. Its all downhill from here, get ready for a life of soul-crushing tedium that results eventually in your death at age 75 from a combination of old-age, heart break and prescription-grade opiates.

HEY, give me back my computer!! We have important stuff going on.

How did the individuals do? In the past we have listed the scores, places and made smart-ass comments and attempted to interject into the proceedings our unique blend of humor, insight and analysis. But, this year we have a really special treat for you. Instead of the CRB doing any of that non-sense, we are pleased to present some celebs from the world of sports and entertainment to provide their unique take on each event.

Mens Slalom: by Mariah Carey

1) Cale Burdick - 1.5 Buoys @ 39 Off
2) Storm Selsor - .5 Buoys @ 38 Off
3) Jonathan Paulovich
3) Christopher Prem

tee-hee! omg guyz, srsly. Did u c those shoes? i ttly want those...HEY YOU...get over here...fetch me thse shoes
/snaps fingers
move fster..want shoes now...
/snaps fingers again
Hey, do you know who i am, i am Mariah Carey damn it. you will do what i want when i want!!
/morphs into dragon, breathing fire
RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
/shoes appear
tee-hee...omg. sry bout that. Storm is such a q.t. aww, just wanna hug him.

Mens Trick Ski: by Bob Dylan

1) Storm Selsor: 5,000 pts
2) Tomlin Wilson: 3,910 pts
3) Cale Burdick: 2720 pts

with the rats on parade and the sky marching closer to its almost certain and untimely death the man around the corner in a coon-skin cap remarks that he hasn't seen his wife in ages while she was off becoming a man in the clutches of an almost unmistakable fear that the world has not gone sideways until the magical dust rises up over the mountain to snatch the small child from the womb of our social ills that still afflict the nation that is wallowing slowly towards the uncharted depths of the great beyond where riders on horses allow for your to drink their water and feed their horses all the while the man stabs you in the back with a hollow-pointed rose water tipped knife.

*note: we will now proceed to run this through babblefish*

Result: no clue what the hell he is talking about.

Needless to say, Cole and Storm are awesome. If they were to be teamed together somehow, a colestorm if you will, they would probably be so incredible that colonizing mars or ending the issues in Darfur or finding the CRB's car keys would be possible.

Mens Jump: by Lou Pinnella

1) Cale Burdick - 144 Feet
2) Storm Selsor - 140 Feet
3) Andy Madden - 138 Feet

ALLRIGHT DIPSHITS, LISTEN UP. QUIT YER ASSGRABBIN AND PAY ATTENTION. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL CALE OR STORM ARE, OR WHY THE CRAP THEY DON'T HAVE REAL MAN NAMES LIKE MATT OR GREG OR LOU OR ERIC OR LOU.
/slams 5 shots of wild turkey
FUCK YEAH. NOW WE ARE TALKING MY LANGUAGE. 144 FEET? YOU GODDAMN BOY LOVER. I CAN THROW 3RD BASE THAT FAR AND I HAD MY ELBOW REPLACED WITH A ROBOTIC EXTENDABLE ASHTRAY/SPITTOON.
/eats 10 lit cigarettes, smashes lighter on the floor
ANDY MADDEN, NOW THATS A REAL NAME. HE CAN DATE MY DAUGHTER. WELL, THATS ALL. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Well, thanks for that Lou. We appreciate your candor and honesty, in spite of your total lack of waterski knowledge, we are sure that Cale and Storm are pleased with your assessment of their names.

Mens Final Overall Standings: by the CRB

1T) Storm Selsor: 870 Points
1T) Cale Burdick: 870 Points
3) Jonathan Paulovich: 795 Points

Looks like the two main men at the All-Stars actually could mix their DNA's together to form the CaleStorm and no one would be the wiser as they tied themselves up for first place. That sounds weirder then it was intended to be.

Storms brother, with a more Lou appropriate name, Ryan took fourth place, so if I were a college I would prepare myself for a Selsor storm next year!

/rimshot!

Also, in sixth place is the early clubhouse leader for the GBH Award that is given annually to the most awesome person of the tournament is Rick Krulicki. Past winners include Kurtis Threlkeld in 2006 and Kole Magnowski.

Moving along, lets focus our attention on the ladies. Guys, we know yours is already there. For the women we will attempt to get some celebs that may be a bit more, um, enjoyable for the ladies.

Womens Slalom: by Pete Wentz

1) Regina Jaquess
2) Andrea Neely
3) Jenna Sligar

/sigh
ths is so hrd. hw do u pck jus 1 grl? i mean. thy r all awsme. regnina hs bn kckng ass 4 lke evr. Jenna is rad and andrea is cte 2.
/sigh...deep thought
/realizes he is Pete and married to Ashley Simpson
pssh..what am I talking about. Rock on girls, life rules. check me out, in a good band, have a kid on the way!! I mean, how great is that....
/epiphany
/writes lyrics
Me and you
Setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you

The best way
To make it through
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize
Two out of three ain't bad
Ain't bad
/cashes check

Womens Tricks: by Ryan Reynolds

1) Jenna Sligar - 3,610
2) Regina Jaquess - 3,570
3) Jessica Lang - 2,580

Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Jenna, Regina and Jessica? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.

Anyways, What I am trying to say is that, while your scores may have you in some sort of metaphysical ranking system, i myself, do not subscribe to such things as i believe all three of you are equally fantastic.

Its a fools game to artificially rank people according to some, so-called, scoring system. The only scoring system I use is with this....

CRB: Thats enough Ryan. Thanks for your time.

Womens Jump: by McDreamy

1) Kayla McClure - 107 Feet
2) Jenna Sligar - 101 Feet
3) Jessica Long - 99 Feet

lots of idiotic over-psycho babble and intense introspection followed by a stream of trite and silly chatter about relationships and descriptive terms that somehow endear him to the women on my show.

CRB: so, would you please mention the girls who jumped?

There is a land called Passive Agresseva, and you are their queen.

CRB: um, technically we are a we. not male or female.

Well isn't this cozy. Can I join in or are you not in to threesomes?

CRB: maybe you should go talk to Ryan. Just, look straight up. He is above you in the trick ski section.

You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's… it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair.

CRB: oh for christ's sake.

Womens Overall: by the CRB

1) Jenna Sligar - 820 Points
2) Kayla McClure - 765 Points
3) Corynn Cassidy - 655 Points

Where is Regina? did she not jump? anyways, congrats to Jenna for taking the overall title. If you look up and down the overall standings from this tournament you see an awful lot of mid-west people. makes sense seeing as they won the damn thing.

/great analysis CRB

screw you. we are sort of still shocked there isn't any Regina. Why didn't she jump?

Oh crap. we just realized we made the same damn joke about Danielle and Jenna Sligar last year that we did this year with Cale and Storm. Even put their names together. Shoot. Well, maybe the sister act did team up at some point to vanquish the Hope College juggernaut.

Either way, congrats to all skiers, hopefully if you read this you think its funny. We are just making some funnys. If you notice within the walls of the CRB we have much love for Collegiate sking and the skiers within. Kudos to all for another fantastic year.

Now, the most important part of the post. Year One it was the GBH (green boat house) award, then we changed names and it became the CRB award, the annual award we give out to the awesome-ist skier of the tournament, or more specific, our favorite name.

sooo......

Drumroll

This years CRB award goes to:

Ricky Krulicki!!

/Crowd erupts into cheers

Here you go Rick!!

Thats right sweetie, this is the third year of the award. Be careful with that.

Congrats Rick! See y'all next year!!

May 29, 2008

Your Shoe Fell Off!!

From the interesting named website, Funtasticus.com, comes this great picture of a guy crashing his race boat and attempting his Jesus-like transmorgification to water walker.

Amazing that this dude didn't die, turns out it was only some minor injuries. Probably cant say the same about his boat though.

Also, in case you need to know, some of the stuff on this site is NSFW. Which is the equivalent of saying some of the stuff on that site is Awesome!! The more Megan Fox on a website, means that the CRB Headquarters staff WILL be viewing your site.

oh yeah...

May 28, 2008

Lets go skiing (part 2)

Rain Rain go away,
come again in some other state.



Looks like the St. Louis show team was that other state.

Lets go lay on the dock


um, no. how about a jump set?
I would suggest passing to the inside of the ramp.
Fine how about we do a pyarimid or some other show ski stuff?
Mountain climbing?

May 27, 2008

This Guy is Good



There is no possible way that we can adequately intro this video. So...instead, we will give a hat tip to Greg for sending it to us, and letting him do the honors.
This video is hilarious and pointless....which made me think of you guys at the CRB!
Indeed.

May 26, 2008

Naked Jumping.

Ha, not nearly as sexy as you thought huh? Thanks to the man behind Ball of Spray, John Horton, for the heads up. But dude, why are you researching 1/2 naked dudes jumping on the ebays?

Not judging!

Well, if you want to send your loved ones a picture of some homo-erotic waterski love, by all means, click on over to the ebay for some naked jump love.

Also: Site Update. Apologies for the lack of the Collegiate All-Stars Round-Up, we promise its coming soon. The CRB has been enjoying some well-earned r&r, or more specific, drinking in a different state without a computer. Holla!

May 22, 2008

My fantasy waterski team is going to rock*

The Masters is here, which means its time to crunch the numbers and get my stats on and pick the team that is going to beat Tony Lightfoots ass all over the lappy 386s screen. Ah yea I am money this year. The trained Marmots have set me up with all the infos, My fantasy waterski team is going to school you all.*

*forgot to make one this year

/shit
Well at least the Masters will be web cast so I can watch my team (not my team) kick ass on the water.

May 20, 2008

Beating a Dead Horse with a Dead Horse

Maybe its more common knowledge then I thought, gas prices bullshit that is, but, there is a really interesting article in the Star-Telegram, Via TTAC, about gas prices...more specifically Oil Prices and why they are so high, especially given the fact that there is not a shortage of Oil anywhere.

Its frustrating and we can harp on the issue and bitch until our eyes turn blue. Normally your face would, but, in this case your eyes would. Why? Why the hell not? It makes as much sense as anything else.

Whats most irritating is that if its really a bunch of people playing oil futures and fucking us out of some money, so be it, its a free market society (basically) and shit works the way it does. It sucks, but, thats life.

But, really, its people or a mind-set of people praying on the natural skittish nature of people and their dependence on cars. Someone saying, "OMG, the sky is falling, oil is going to spike at $200 a barrel, oh noes!!11!!!!!11eleven" and then laughing all the way to bank when the market adjusts itself, despite the fact that, in that article, it states that Iran or whomever is stashing oil in boats in the gulf because they ran out of room is awful.

This pisses me off as a skier type, because, a boat is f-ing expensive anyways...luckily, I am independently wealthy (my wife is a middle-school teacher*) that its of no concern to me.

I remember a story about the oil problems in the 70's and it was the same bullshit, but, with crappier taste in both cars and style....and birth control obviously.

*not married

May 16, 2008

Next Generation of Tow Vehicles

Jesus Christ man. Besmirching the amazing Lambo Gallardo with a trailer hitch, a diamond plate trailer and a motor cycle? Piss Poor. EPIC FAIL!!

We here at CRB envision some dude with too-much money, purchasing himself (or herself) one of these cars and thinking, "you know? sure, its fast and all, corners like a mofo, but...shit...it just doesn't have the utility of a Tahoe." Then going into the garage and welding on a....

ouch. that just hurts the head to think about.

Linky Treats:
Jalopnik

May 15, 2008

Worlds Longest?

So I was doing my daily stroll through "one of the internets" when I stumbled upon a list of the worlds longest (ed. note: Hi-OHHH!!)

So anyways being the waterski geek that I am I immediately checked out the records for watersking and came across three records listed. They look to be a few years old, but so am I so I don't care.

Of course that was after scanning over all the fun facts like:

Who had the world's longest working career?

Shigechiyo Izumi of Japan started working in in 1872 at age seven.
He worked as a farmer till he retired at the young age of 105 in 1970, spanning 98 years of toiling for a living.

Shigechiyo Izumi enjoyed another 15 years of retirement, living to the ripe old age of 120.
and

What is the world's longest word in Spanish?
If you’re looking for the longest Spanish word, don’t look to The Guinness Book of World Records, as it is wrong. They have superextraordinar√≠simo listed as the longest Spanish word. This twenty-two letter word, meaning “most superextraordinary” isn’t actually used in the Spanish language. It is only used when speaking of the longest Spanish word. Also, one could add prefixes and suffixes to it making such words such as the twenty-seven letter word superextraordinar√≠simamente.

The longest words in actual Spanish use are the twenty-three letter words anticonstitucionalmente (“unconstitutionally”) and electroencefalografista (“electroencephalograph technician”). Because the latter is a verb, it can take on a plural form and become electroencefalografistas. This would actually be the longest Spanish word. These words are actually in use when using the Spanish language.

Wow, thats exciting...


/snore

What was the world's longest water ski jump?
The world record for the longest water ski jump is a horrific record to set, but it was set by none other than Illinois' Freddy Krueger.

On November 05,2006 at the McCormick Record No. 5 tournament in Seffner, Florida Freddy Krueger launched of a ramp on his water skis and after drying out flying through the air he covered 243 feet or 74.2 meters before once again wetting himself, but not before setting the record for the world's longest water ski jump.

Who made the world's longest Barefoot water ski jump?
The world's longest barefoot water ski jump was set by David Small of Great Britain in Mulwala, Australia on February 08, 2004.

David managed to have his bare feet leave the water for a toe tickling 27.4 meters.



What was the world's longest water-skiing marathon?
Finishing on June 12 1994 both Ralph Hildebrand and and Dave Phillips captured the record for the world's longest water-skiing marathon after a soaking 56 hours 35 minutes and 3 seconds skiing around Indian Arm in British Columbia, Canada.

The duo covered 2,152.3 kilometers which we won't translate to miles as they are Canadian.
They used spotlights and infrared binoculars to avoid obstacles during the night.

We wanted to post a picture but they were just too shriveled up and we didn't want to scare anyone away.

May 13, 2008

FORE!! Speedboat Meet Bunker, Bunker Meet Speedboat

The title of the article in The Daily Telegraph newspaper is "Speedboat Crashes into Scottish Golf Course", which technically isn't accurate.

A more apt title would be "Speedboat Lands on Golf Course" because in reality, it didn't crash INTO the course, that would mean that it hit the side of the course which....well, its land so there really isnt a side to it.

However, the driver of said boat had to bail out because of someone in a Bayliner* acting like a jackass, the boat then plowed into some rocks and flew, majestically we assume, through the air and landed in a sand-trap.

And you thought that the mini-golf obstacles were ridiculous.
"The incident was a first for Clyde Coastguard.

Their watch manager, Calum Murray, said: "We do deal with a number of beached vessels, but I don't think that we have ever had one which landed in a golf course bunker."

A spokeswoman for the Loch Lomond Golf Club commented: “Thankfully no one was hurt.”
Not included in the article, but, was overheard by a fluffy, and cute, puppy was the spokewomen for the country club also had other incredibly insightful observations such as:

"Gosh am I glad the sun provides warmth"

"Thankfully the ground was there or this boat may have fallen all the way to the Iraqs"

"I am really glad my car started this morning"

"Food, thank goodness someone makes that stuff, or else I would be hungry."

Oh yeah, and by the way:


*Unconfirmed, probably not true.

May 9, 2008

Bannana George is Old, Barefooty



Got an email into CRB HQ this morning from a gentleman from GB Media Group, which is something called "Growing Bolder" a website/organization about people getting older and still kicking ass, basically.

Anyways, the crux of the deal was about Banana George being 93 years old, 93!!!, and trying to go our and barefoot, given his recent health troubles it is a pretty awesome endeavor.

Barely Able to Walk, 93-year-old Banana George Attempts Water Skiing Record

Orlando, Fla. (May 8, 2008) It was a rough winter for Banana George Blair, the most famous water skier in history. The oldest-ever barefoot skier ever battled a severe case of pneumonia that left him bedridden and weak. But the 93-year-old wasn’t ready to give up the sport he loved. “All of life is up and down, he said. “I don‘t wait for the next thing. I make the next thing happen.”

Barely able to walk, and in nearly constant pain from six back surgeries and a broken neck, George leaned on his friends for help to the boat, for another record-breaking attempt. His good friend Lane Bowers agreed to drive the boat, “I’ve had every one of his doctors and family members call me and tell me this is not a good idea but this is what he lives to do so I’m just trying to help him do what he wants to do most,” Bryant said. “I’m gonna keep him as safe as I can and we’re gonna take him out there.”

What happened next is a testimony to the human spirit and the power of belief. With only enough strength for one attempt, George got his bare feet on the water to become the oldest person in history to attempt to barefoot water ski. Did he break his own record by actually standing up and barefoot skiing? Judge for yourself at GrowingBolder.com.

The Banana George video can be seen at www.GrowingBolder.com


Its a neat video, so, watch it above or go here.

Thats nothing!! I got out of bed this morning and walked all the way to the bathroom to take a shower before going to work. CHECK MATE MR. BANANA MAN!!

May 8, 2008

Jump the Shark....

Yeah Yeah, we fuck with the fisherman because the penchant for posting videos all the time instead of using the keyboard to type out stuff. Well, thanks to a tip from super sexy CRB boat dweller James, we have this video of some dude/idiot surfing behind a shark.





Surfing With A Great White Shark - Watch more free videos



not sure if this guy is awesome or a complete fucking moron, but, either way its kinda cool.

Hey! Given the propensity we have to go all in-depth on your ass with posts about fuel-economy and boats and stuff, maybe instead of hybrid boats and electric motors, we should all get sharks!

More incentive not to fall!!

New posts?

Where has the CRB Minon gone? I think I have figured it out...

He is rocking Snood on the child level like nothing else.

Or Possibly because this is a picture from his childhood. His partner in crime I belive is the infamous "Rowboat Abides".