Apr 24, 2009

Google Calendar

So my google calendar just emailed me to tell me that the Mccormick Spring open is this weekend. Sweet I like record tournaments, even when I am a couple thousand miles away I can just hope on the good ol' interwebs and follow every jump, trick and swerve of the weekend...um...

Or not.

Straight from the ski mccormick website.

We just finished up a great 2008 season of competitions. Focusing primarily on the waterski side of the industry this past year, with 4 record tournaments and a couple of smaller "filler" tournaments. Many personal bests were set here on site in the past 9 months including a new world record by jumper Freddy Krueger with a leap of 248 feet.

Next season we hope to keep the big scores coming on the ski lake as well as push the riders with a few wakeboard and even cable competitions.

Check back soon for we are working on dates for both ski and wakeboard competitions

Well that was very informative, thank you for the very nice description of all the exciting action coming at us all ski season!

Apr 23, 2009

The CRB Army

So Twiggy has been missing for a while, so we said that we brought in Splinter from Gitmo (well that and an odd drug smuggling incident). Well while I was serving my time and since I have gotten back the waterskiing squirrels known as Twiggy 4,5 and 6 were busy. They made some more Twiggys (I could have sworn they were all boys). Apparently after a unfortunate baby eating incident by Mommy squirrel and some slight inbreeding issues, they got to training. Not to be professional water skiers, but trained killers. This is the note that the left on the door at the CRB headquarters:

Dear Daddy,
we missd u. did u git ur prblm tkn car of? r u goin 2 stp hittn us if wes dont do so god? wes got board when u waz gone + hav bein train to be killerz. wes bein follwn the site + sawz that nola beach waz buggn u guysz again. so we came home to protect u guysz from her. we also founds us a ldr whilest u waz gne.

-Twiggys 4-105 (except for 6,12,14 + 28)

PZ-wes rlly dont knw how mny of us there r. u nvr taught wes to count.


Yeah yeah they had a tough upbringing, daddy is a anorectic movie star who once had great "features"/drug dealer/squirrel beater/Gitmo escape/internet blogger, but it could have been worse. This is now what the CRB headquarters lake looks like now:


(Disclaimer: That is some random neighbor skiing not any of us.)

Aright Rykert, Steve Locke is the leader of our army.  He has picked his side...like he would quote the lake of sin.  We have such renamed the CRB headquarter lake "Drunk Knox" because not only is it drunker than Fort Knox its even more secure.  Just incase Nola trys a airbourne attack we hired these guys:


Thats right terradactyls! What now beyotch?!?!?  On a serious note, could you imagine if those things were real?  They could like sweep down  and take your car right off the ground.  The minion now has a new fear...need to find the night light.  

We can now tube in saftey....

Note to PETA:
Many squirrels were actually harmed in the blog, but who cares there are too many of them and the only interesting thing they do is jump from tree to tree.  However, no teradactyls were harmed.  Oh and if PETA is actually reading this we will not eat ice cream made from breast milk!! Stupid PETA!

Apr 21, 2009

Doing Our Part to Help

In the April 21st Exec Report on the USAWaterski, our fearless leader unleashes the big guns to get you to join USA Waterski. As we all know, sex sells, so naturally our eyes were drawn to the great production value of the Alex Lauretano's spot.


Now, naturally, when we first read it and noticed that Alex Lauretano wants us!! Woo Hoo! As it turns out that is not true, she just wants our money. What a drag.

Well, if nothing else, the CRB HQ wants to do our part to help out the USA Waterski in recruiting new and existing members to re-up on the USA Waterski Package.

So, we put together a few of these ads, USA Waterski? You are more then welcome to use these as you see fit.


Update: This is Minions post-jenny diet spot.

Apr 20, 2009

Nola Escaped Our Grasp

Well, that was quick. Nola escaped our clutches. If you weren't paying attention or don't want to scroll down a 1/2 page to see the picture goodnesses and pop-culture referencing masterpiece that was the "capture of nola", well, tough.

Posted on the one half commie propaganda site and one half waterski site, the lake of sin, we have proof that Nola did, in fact, elude Jack Bauer and the fat guy in the water with the snorkel.

This is not over, not by a long shot, we may have been beaten once...but as they say, we may have lost the battle but we will win the war.




Now she is just rubbing it in. We will get you dawg!!!

Every Waterski Vid Will Now Be Shot With This Camera




Check out the 1:50 mark for total mind blow.

Imagine what things would look like at a 1000 frames per second. Hmm...

1) You could actually see Freddy Krueger's awesomeness, like, Pigpen from the peanuts with the stink lines, that's what Freddy looks like on skis. But, instead of stink its awesome.

2) If it was a video of the ODBF you could actually watch the self-confidence seep out.

3) Probably be able to see all sorts of nasty snot stuff happening too.

4) Super slo-mo CRB girls on trick skis? oh my.

Video found at filmdrunk.com

Apr 17, 2009

Its Come to This

It's on now dawg

This is not a proud day in CRB history. It was a day we feared was coming. We like to think of ourselves as a group who espouses waterski love..both good and bad..but all for the greater good. We are at heart a gentile group, a genial bunch who prefer a negotiation style for conflict resolution as opposed to an emotion fueled rant*. Even now, as a retiree from the daily rigors of posting for the company I began in 1947 as just a dream of someday being able to speak to tens of people via my portable typing device, even now, as a member of the CRB Alumi Society and Drinking Consortium I felt it was necessary to invoke my given powers of "whats best for CRB" and take care of a situation. One not unlike this obscenely long paragraph, and the painful misuse of present and past tense.

We have been pushed around for far to long by, what we thought, were our blogging brethren at the shameful lake of sin. It began as fun, with Nola the dog nabbing our trusty, albeit dented and criminally poorly done MSpainted, cooler.

Then came the theft of our paddles. Which was also fun, in that, we enjoy floating around and drinking as much as the next red-blooded, neoprene covered, womanizer. So, we let that slide.

Remember Brit as the hottest thing since the sun was invented? We Do.

Two links in a sub-title? Yes, we went there. Its very worth it, even if we don't believe in Servitude, or womanizing.

Finally, the turning point. Nola hacked into the CRB mainframe supercomputer (the CRBMFSC) and took over emails, posting, inner office communications, outta office communications, etc.

Its identity theft of the highest order.



Not only THAT! but, she stole our laptop!

OUR LAPTOP!! That Bitch!!

Which, seeing as she is a dog, is not only a brutally effective insult that will no doubt affect her for years to come, leading to self-doubt, drug addiction, tattoos, street life, reform, regaining sense of self, then coming out of the basement to eat with the family ala bubbles...but, its also a very accurate descriptive term.

Well, that was the last straw, ODBF brought me in for a strategic plan of attack. We talked for hours about baseball (Yankees suck), various free-agent movements from the NFL (Bart Scott was overpaid), the price of wheat futures in China (investing in the long term is a poor use of market capital), the collapse of the auto industry in America (lack of alternative energy solutions, over-reliance on large trucks, the unions, moronic leadership, overwhelming sense of arrogance, bad brand strategy, the piece of shit Vibe, over-saturation of dealerships, the unions), the Obama bailout plan (we voted between the two of us, and it ended in a 10-7 vote...no idea where the additional 15 votes came from..we suspect Skifly).

Anyways, after a case and a half of lone star beers, three burgers, a hot dog, 36 carribean jerk chicken wings, a thing of cotton candy, a 1/2 bag of cashews, two shots of whiskey, two failed games of indoor pole vaulting, we arrived at our plan.

Approximate representation of our indoor pole vault, without the manual sex

This is how it all unfolded.

Our Intel provided to us from the Military, and Nick Nolte, showed us that Nola is no longer the free-wheeling, devil may care, habitual fornicator that she used to be...No, its much worse, like Stringer Bell, she now rides with security at all times. This is evidenced by the photo that the Minion took on the stake out in either Fallujah or the parking lot of a Wells Fargo, or, the gas station from "The Stand".

Brazen Nola peers our from Hummer

Death to CRB? How far have you fallen? It breaks our heart...and to see Rambo come out of retirement to assist in your protection? Well, that's really just smart business and we applaud you for your resolve...but serioulsy, Judge Dredd?

Btw, the soldier in the passenger seat? Really loves ice cream!

That, the ice cream, was the weak link in your mostly air tight security. We tried in vain to penetrate the outer defenses that you had set up at your compound outside of Starkwood Military, but to no avail. Until, we focused our efforts on the ice cream junkie and only then were we able to break through.

We fed his addiction with many gallons of mint chip, rocky road, plain vanilla, gift certificates to Cold Stone, a crate of waffle cones, very berry, choc chip cookie dough...basically, we threw a damn Baskin Robbins at his ass...sure enough...he took the bait.

Its an unfortunate cost of waging war, as there will be casualties...he did slide back into Ice Cream addiction.

Chasing the delicious dragon

However, the battle was being fought. And if anything we take our advice straight from sort of fictional television characters, and as Slim Charles said to Avon Barksdale in The Wire, "when you in it, you in it...if it's a lie, we fight on that lie." So true Slim...so true.



Its just the cost of doing business in the high stakes world of competitive waterski blogging.

Knowing Nola the way we do, we knew that this was not going to be easy, it was going to be a battle and we needed someone to help out and do the things that we aren't allowed to say we do.

You know who that man is. The man who actually stars in his own documentary, Jack Bauer.

I will strangle and kill your subtitles

He staged a dramatic battle filled with high tension and dramatic one-liners that left both viewer and participant exhausted. It was a dramatic thrill ride filled with so many visceral moments as to over-whelm ones senses, as well as casting into doubt the Orwellian nature of ones own beliefs of right and wrong, one in which our hero, the protagonist, fights his own demons as well as the enemy in a figurative fight over his own virtues.

Either way, he captured our enemy and was willing to torture Nola to get the information necessary.

Thankfully that wasn't necessary, she was willing to give up the cooler AND our paddle without a fight.

However, our laptop? Not so lucky. We are a peaceful people, full of hope and optimism, so instead of turning our vengeance on this misguided dog, we instead turn to the mastermind behind the devious behaviour and ask you, no...command you, to return our stolen laptop to our rightful possession, no questions asked.

We have Nola in our possession and without your compliance we are wholly within our right to carry out our final objective, with extreme prejudice.

Patrolman: guys seriously, my hands look like prunes...can I get out of the water?
CRB: NO! PATROL DAMN YOU!

Patrolman: But, my gun is getting wet!
CRB: nice goggles. Get to work.
Patrolman: I cant tread water for 24 hours straight as your shift details me to do.
CRB: /picks up phone. Dials Brother Mouzone
Patrolman: OK OK! Can I at least have my arm floaties?
CRB: Here. *tosses floaties* Panzy


We have your dog as well as our cooler and our paddle back. Nola is being held in the CRB rowboat of ill repute somewhere on a body of water. Don't even bother trying to find us, we have armed fat guys in goggles patrolling the waters.

Understand, this is not a negotiation. This is a demand. Jack and the CRB will not rest until we have in our possession everything that belongs to us and a misguided sense of resolved justice.

oh, if you could throw in a box of Cheez-its and a pound or so of fresh cut deli meats, that would be awesome too...plus we are running low on Stroh's.

Please send everything to the address listed below.

Yours in all things holy, and Patrice Martin,

The CRB

The CRB
1 Lake Drive
C/O the interwebs


* untrue

Apr 13, 2009

Crash

This has absolutly no relavance to waterskiing, but its freaking crazy cool so just watch it and enjoy!




Um, yep, its gone.

Epidemic of Flying Debris Hits Close to Home


Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

We must put an end to this global issue. We have experianced this problem for far to long, its time for us to stand up as a culture, as a cohesive unit of all humanity and say, "Its time for a change...YES WE CAN!"

Apr 10, 2009

Mastercraft introduces....the most ________ idea ever.

So this was originally going to be a post about the new Nightmares. The new Mastercraft Prostar 190 Nightmare eddition. As well as the newest edition to the Krueger Family, Dash a much smaller nightmare but just as powerful. Congrats to Freddy and Karen on there new baby....well was new on March 17th, but were behind the times.

While looking on Mastercrafts website for pictures I came across this crazy link that said "300" SO I was totally like lets click on it and see where we go... To my dismay there were not 300 dead Trojans. WTF Mastercraft what the hell is this thing?
Believe it or not folks that is a boat made by Mastercraft. According to mastercraft.com "It [the 300] is the first twin tipped day yacht." Whatever the hell that means. Its a yacht, watch out Sea Ray, here comes Mastercraft. Next up, jet boats! The yachts at the local yacht club are lauging there asses off. Stick to what you know...ski boats.





Apr 8, 2009

Don't You Start That Again Dog!

Rykerts lake of carnal sin was beset by a nasty bought of walking pneumonia vertigo recently. Which we at the corporate headquarters of CRB INC, feel is simply a way of saying to his friends, "no, its to cold to go skiing"

Whatever dude, we are onto you.

Anyways, it appears that the clandestine spy, the root of all evil doings within the CRB world, Nola the Dog, has taken a new and interesting turn.

You may remember that this dog stole the cherished CRB Cooler, then proceeded to strand us in the middle of the lake by taking our paddles, and now this heathen has gone to new depths and hacked into our email account and is emailing people and looking at dog-porn under the guise of an actual CRB employee!

NOLA NO!!!

Very funny Dog, now get off that lap top and get back to doing whatever it you do. Sleeping, pooping and being the third.



Note: If you catch the reason for this video, you win one free internets for the day.

Apr 3, 2009

Bébé de confiture de nuit de LA !



Une des tendances récentes les plus fraîches dans le ski nautique est le concept du saut de nuit. Si les services de mémoire corrigent il y a quelques années y avait il ce que nous assumons étions un du premier de ces événements, le saut de nuit de Londres.

L'année dernière, encore si la mémoire est correcte, il y avait le premier de ces événements ici dans les états à Bennett' ; école de ski de s en Zachary, la confiture de nuit de LA.

Au commencement, ce nom était embrouillant du fait nous avons pensé est étions l'des ou l'autre la confiture de nuit de visibilité directe Angelos, qui doesn' ; t semblent raisonnable parce qu'il était en Louisiane.

Pensant plus loin, nous avons figuré, oh. .since ils nourriture de cajun et ce que pas alors ce serait saut de nuit de La, comme dans le pain grillé de voiture de La ou de La ou la vache à La. Semblez raisonnable ?

LOL… voyant comme son français…

Nous avons ondulé le drapeau blanc de la reddition et sommes allés bien à la source. Son réellement le saut de nuit de LA, comme en Louisiane !

Quoi qu'il en soit, cet acompte de la confiture de nuit de LA est le 6 juin chez Bennetts et il sera impressionnant !

En outre, sa maison à la fille originale Danyelle Bennett de CRB ! De que l'autre motivation vous a-t-elle besoin ?

More info at LANightJam.com

Apr 2, 2009

What do you want?

So I know I never post on here but I recently came across a post on skifly that bothered me. It said that the crb went down the ports pottie. First I want to say this, the expression down the shitter works because you see your poop flush down the toilet hense going down the shitter. However when using a porta pottie it simply falls into some blue liquid. So weak analogy sir.

Anyway I love this site because we take the sport serious to a degree. We write this because we have nothing better to do but also because we love the sport for what it is. Time to get away from the worries of life and do what we love, ski. So yes we sound like goof offs on here, but that is what we do best.

We want to entertain our readers the best we can! We love doing this and were thankful for our readers. So let us know what you want to see on here, let us know what you want to see change. Hell if you wanna post on here send us a email and we might put it up if you aren't a bigger moron than us. Hell we may even listen to you guys. We want you to enjoy our site so let us know what you enjoy. Just ladies please stop requesting naked pictures of ODBF there gross and it's illegal what he did to those poor fish, except for in North Dakota cuz face it if you can marry your cousin you can do that to a fish.

Minion out see you again in a year!