Jun 8, 2016

The Forgotten Sport

Marcus Brown and those gorgeous dreads are out there speaking the truth again.  In the last few years we have seen awesome stuff from Marcus!  From his grassroots tour to FlowPointTV, his youtube channel, Marcus has been busting his ass to build the sport.

In his newest episode on FlowPoint Marcus talks about how water skiing is the greatest lost sport.  He starts by talking about the Coors Light tour and Hot Summer Nights (both of which rocked sweet graphics that need to be brought back).  Then he show some amazing footage from this years worlds in Mexico and it leaves you thinking "Why the hell is this not on mainstream TV?"

That has been a question posed by the CRB for years now.  I personally didn't get into the sport till after its mainstream days in the 80s and 90s.  I really had no idea what it was, but as soon as I watched it, I was hooked!  What is the answer to bringing the sport back to its prime?

Is it bringing back those sweet graphics?



Having more babes in bikinis on the sidelines?



Is the answer throwing bigger events that feel like a party?  We have seen more success with this in the last couple years with events like, Malibu Open and LA Night Jam.  Those take a lot of organization to put on and you really need someone dedicated to doing it.

The biggest event out there is the Moomba Masters.  Why do so many people show up to that?  Well it piggy backs off another huge event is as easily accessible.  We as water skiers need to accept what we do just doesn't seem as cool when people hear about it.  So doing an event that the main item is Water Skiing, is not going to bring the crowds.  However, doing a tournament and utilizing the crowds of another large event to bring people to it works great.  The largest crowd we saw at a US event in the last few years was at the Malibu Open, right after the Blue Angels were done....people strolled by and said "Hey that's cool!" "Holy shit did you see that fall?" and then they stuck around!

This all brings up another point...accessibility.  We get it skiers want to ski on the most prestine lakes that have no ripples and allow them to smash records.  But how the hell is Joe Blow going to crush Coors lights out in the boonies where the lake is hidden?  When the tournaments were huge on on TV they were at accessible venues, that the conditions weren't good at.  Moomba is not the place you go to break records.  If you ask any pro out there they want crowds and money.  Probably records too but what do the records mean if you can't get paid to do it?  You want bigger pay days and more visibility forget about the conditions and find the venue.  That will bring more people in which brings in more money.  Leave the records for record tournaments.

Marcus brings up a great point at the end when he says, "Perhaps the folks in charge forgot to stay young and hungry."  Can't agree with that more.  It's and old skiers club that needs to be smashed.  Bring in some new young blood who knows what the younger generations want and actually listen to them.  We have seen young people come in and do things, but they don't stick around.  Part of this is due to them getting sick of the bullshit old skier politics.  So much of this sport is the same old shit where people just want to feel important.  This water skiing "elitism" is selfish and childish, grow the fuck up and let the sport evolve. We know plenty of people who started to do things to change the sport and events to build them up.  But they were not welcomed in and were pushed out, leaving them to not want to do anything.

End of the day it takes just one person to step up and change the sport.  In a day and age of "disrupters" being the new norm, water skiing needs a disrupter.  Who knows maybe Marcus is just the guy for the job.

All right I am going back into hibernation.  Make sure to check out the FlowPoint episode here:




May 25, 2016

Yeah, this is about right

Headline from Deadspin

We once strapped a monkey to a god damn German Shepard and made it run around the living room...also attack the neighbors cat..and dog...and kids.

This shit is equally as dumb.  Our stupid facebook is full of people sharing this nonsense.  Your kid is 6 months old.  stop it.

We prefer the squirrel

Apr 17, 2016

Lets All Get Epilepsy!


This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd.  This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.

In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.

Gdansk = Jaquess

David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.

Boosh.  Make it full screen.  Smoke some weed.

You will die soon.

Mar 18, 2016

A Quick Patrice Martin Timeline

Patron saint of the CRB stopped by our offices the other day to try and figure out what the hell we do on a daily basis.  Which, these days, isn't as much as we used to.  Besides making fun of ball of spray, we mainly spend our days eating sliced meats, floating around in the skimasterbu and occaisonally falling down the stairs like ED 209 while wearing trick skis, we are resting on our laurels like a boss.

But, Patrice was in no mood for our nonsense, and took us all into our conference room to discuss the steps it takes to be good.  It doesn't come from a witty sense of humor, a lethal ability to construct sentences or the unmatched talent to fall on most waterskis, no...he said...its more then that.

He then proceeded to give us a two hour long presentation on what it takes to make it in this world.

Other then the breaks for coffee and snacks, and despite the total media black out he institituted, here is a cliff notes version of the pump up meeting that Patrice Martin gave the CRB staff.

Patrice at either 10 or 30 years old.
 You have to train.  Your skill means dick without training.  Work till your exhausted, and then keep going.


Put that training to use.  Go out and work.  A backside wake 180 may seem like its simple, but, thats because he worked at it, so its second nature.  yeah, this takes effort.


After working so hard, its ok to give yourself a reward.  Now this is either Patrice or Debby Harry, either way, its sensual as hell.  But, the point was, you need to be focused on your goal and determined to get there.  But, if you are so single minded that that you forget the rest of your life, you wont actually enjoy the fruits of your labour and then what is the point in the first place?


Oh!  We are in color now, and by god trick releases are for pussies!  You master one aspect, and then you move on to the next level.  Go from the best at handle passes to toe tricks.  Toe tricks, btw, don't do them. Bad.  But, for the purpose of this powerpoint, it proved to be a tear jerker.


Oh look!  I am the best at one thing and he decided to go be awesome at another thing.  The point was to not be so crazy on one aspect that you cant go out and do more.  strap on a skurfer and go be great at that.  In 2016 there is a hella Skurfer tour going.  Its underground, like, only the cool kids know about it.  but, you should maybe do that as well.


And don't let your professional goals get in the way of your personal goals as well.  We need to have a proper balance of work and life, we all need to have that and pass on our genes and have a partner in crime.  They keep us sane, a friend to help us battle through life.  It actually helps us perform better and be a better person.


Eventually, you will have kids.  You can pass along your love of the sport to your kids.  Share that love, share the passion, don't pressure them into being what you weren't, but, allow them to...wait.

What....

Thats us??

yep, thats a little CRB!


Thats us!!!

Patrice Martin is our dad?????

YES!!!!!

Take that trick release off the boat!!  Lets do a damn toe trick pass!!!!

Praise Jesus!

Mar 8, 2016

There Are Some Fish Over There


HURRY, THEY ARE OVER THERE.

DAMNIT FRANK, 250 HORSEPOWER?  C'MON!

THE FISH AREN'T GOING TO BE THERE ANYMORE IF YOU DON"T HUSTLE

FASTER

FASTER

FASTER

/gets to spot

/fucks around with tackle box

/eats some jerky

OVER THERE!  GO NOW YOU BASTARD!

Feb 9, 2016

Local Man Struggles With Basic Water Sports

Fred Sanders (seen here being terrible at waterskiing) - hates his kids because they haven't fulfilled his failed dreams. 
Jones Farm, MT - After a weekend on the water, local botanist Fred Sanders, was seen drinking beer in his garage angry over his inability to master the sport of waterskiing.

Sources have informed CRB that Fred and his family, wife Marissa, daughters Samantha and Kelly and son Scott...or some shit.  who cares.

Anyways.

The family decided to spend the weekend on the water at Lake Ballsax,  a popular weekend destination for much of the city and surrounding county, where you can find everything from over served and sunburned accountants and roofers trying to whip their kids on tubes, either, to their death or into another boat, or play their stereos loud enough that everyone on the lake can hear Kid Rocks god damn song about some fucking lake in Michigan..or, you know, fisherman we guess.

Onlookers noted that Mr. Sanders seemed particularly ornery on the Saturday in question, as after pulling his son on a wakeboard run, he seemed as if he had something to prove.

"yeah, Fred...he is always a little more aggressive then should be necessary," said local flutist Gary Smuthers, "we are used to that with him, we assume he has some issues with inadequacy that he hasn't quite figured out, but, right after his son...whats his name?  scott...or some shit?  who cares, anyways, after he went out and jumped the wake a few times, fell a few times, then started to whine that the water was cold...well, you could see his veins start to pulse"

Following his sons wildly disappointing turn on the wakeboard, Fred was seen verbally chastising his entire family for not appreciating his hard work during the week, and also his wife's inability to keep him aroused for an appropriate length of time, despite his own infidelity and increasingly poor diet, health, and personal well being..resulting in his unsurprising lack of strength, stamina or size.

"I have met the guy a few times, normally tuesday nights," said Eric Skipmeister, a bartender at the local hotspot 'Slimeys'.  "He is...kind of a skirt chaser, and, seemingly has money to burn..I guess, he has never mentioned his family before, but, when we saw them on Saturday...it did make sense"

Never the less, Fred was determined to show his son how to properly ride a wake board.  Angrily shoving his feet into the far to small bindings and slapping at the water in a futile attempt to put himself in proper position effectively get on top of the water as the boat accelerated.

Which further enraged Fred, as his wife, a complete novice to operating a high powered ski boat, was not sure how to properly pull a waterskiier.   Having never driven a boat, taking a boating safety class or spent any moment of her life in a boat prior to the day in question, the task presented was one that was a folly at best...a lurking disaster at worst.

This made no difference to Fred as he screamed from 200 feet behind the boat that she was an idiot and obviously having extra-marital affairs, whilst also actively telling her mom that he was an unfit husband.

"It was a wild scene man," said local stoners PeachTree and SunBeam.  "yeah man..like, his trip was something else...he needed to like..you know...just chill out and try a brownie"

The scenario of Fred yelling and slapping at the water and generally being a bad waterskiier played out, to the great amusment of the rest of the boating public on the lake, for what seemed like an entire afternoon.

Which as it turns out, was an entire afternoon.

Repeatedly getting back into the boat to slam Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas and further both the embarasement of his family and the case against him for eventual divorce, the rest of the boaters on the lake began to abandon their own ventures, giving way to watching the spectacle unfolding.

"GOD DAMN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME FOR THIS DAY ON THE LAKE,"  Fred said according to witness testimony later on to the police. "I WORK HARD FOR THIS FAMILY AND YOU SHOULD RESPECT ME"

Most of this was said while also falling over into and out of the boat, "GOD DAMN.  MY CIGARETTES, MARISSA, WHAT THE HELL...OH SCREW IT, LET ME SHOW YOU UNGREATFUL JERKS HOW ITS DONE"

With that, Fred again got back into the water, this time with a graceful trip and fall over the side with a pair of combo skis.

"I CAN DO THIS DAMNIT" he was reported to have yelled in the opposite direction of the boat, stunning a group of ducks who scattered towards the middle of the lake.

Over the course of the next 5 to 10 minutes, onlookers reported that he constantly could not keep the skis under him in and was constantly flailing around in a hopeless attempt to right himself.

At one point Fred took off his right ski and tried to throw it back into the boat.  Which only resulted in him pulling a rib cage muscle and blaming it on foreigners.

At this point, Police records indicate Fred's bowels released themselves into this stupid Billabong board shorts and he simply said, "fuck it" and floated away from his boat trying to light a Marlboro Light with a pack of wet matches.

At press time, his wife has filed for divorce.  Fred, meanwhile, was in his garage angrily attempting to fix that god damn screen door that doesn't seem to latch while drinking his 8th or 9th beer of the morning, he was also heard muttering that "those bastards on their waterskis are...something...whatever screw them...and scott?  or some shit, who cares, probably not even my son."

(Ed Note: updates to the story include the feces in the shorts and the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, initially excluded from the print edition for space)


Jan 28, 2016

Outboard Boats Are Awesome

Nice Booty
Recently, Mastercraft unveiled a new boat!  Specifically, an outboard boat.  An outboard ski boat as part of their NXT (huh?) line.  Not sure what that is yet, but, we are sure we will figure it out in like, 3 or 4 paragraphs.

Remember awesome outboard ski boats?  Lets take a float down memory lane.

Barefoot 200 - Occasionally not that great at turning fast
Hydrodyne - some total recall stuff going on (3 boobs!!)
Should be called Flightcraft still! 
Thats all we could think of off the top of our heads.  Outboards are awesome, especially weird uncle Jimmy's boat, the one with three wide seating that was built to fish.  Thing has like a 300 horsepower motor, why?  So he can haul MUCH ass to get to the spot over there to sit for three hours and be racist whilst not catching shit.

We venture a guess that alot of people learn to ski not behind a nice tournament type ski boat, but, the family run-about thing that is great at floating around and not starting and making your dad super mad that the assholes at the marina didn't change the sparkplugs...oh and also being on a trailer and causing funny jack knives when trying to launch.

But, there is something hypnotic about an outboard when the motor is wound up and your are, whatever, pulling a skier or outrunning the cops or just going fast.  Its a motor that moves back and forth to make the boat turn, it kinda vibrates weird and normally engines aren't shaped that way.

Look at the motor in your car, that wouldn't look right on the back of a boat, but, SON OF A GUN! Smart people shove those things into a weird looking case, slap a prop on it and BOOM, you are cruising with like, at least a 50% better chance of cutting off your hand!!!

Anyways, reactions to Mastercrafts new outboard from around the CRB Offices were pretty unanamous in their praise.

"Cool" said one staffer

"Wonder how fast it goes" said another

"Why isn' the motor right in the middle of the boat where I can kick it really hard by accident and break one of my toes"  said someone who would like to remain nameless

"how much you think something like that costs" said someone who knew that we were about 1/2 way through this article.

Lets find out!

NXT is supposed to be Mastercrafts "entry" type level boats, ones that people that don't have all the money in the world can afford!   That sounds awesome, because, thats most people!

Pricing is hard to come by, as in, google can't find it for us, so, lets just go to mastercrafts site and see what its sister boat, the NXT20 inboard version, is going for.


Wow, thats still a pretty good chunk of change, and WOW starting at 75 for a prostar.  That seems like alot of money.  Is it?

not a problem for this guy
Now, obviously, this doesn't take into account that this new boat is an outboard and not an inboard, so, maybe that will help out?

Based on pricing from these guys, BAM Marine a 200 - 250 horsepower mercury outboard retails out for somewhere between $15,000 and $20,000.  

Thats alot of dimp. 

Now, say the hull and the electronics and whatever else is somewhere starting at the 20,000 - 30,000 range, your looking at basically, $40-55 grand.  

Wow. 

Well, none of us ever thought that this was a cheap sport!  And new stuff is expensive, its always that way.  Doesn't do any good to get all grumpy about it!  Let the companies make their money so they can sponsor tournaments and make bitchin boats for a long time!

Moomba boats, when they came out, they were billed as the no frills entry level boat, lets see what those start for. 

God damn!

It would be really nice if there was an actual entry level ski boat out there, there has to be a way to get something that is relatively decent in the, say, $20,000 range?  

Maybe the cost of making boats is just that expensive now, or emissions standards and other safety things are inflating the price, or maybe it just is what it is. 

But, who knows, some entreprenueal son of a gun should just buy the old 1995 Mastercraft Prostar 190 hull molds, start cranking out those bad boys at a cheap price and, what the hell, slap Monster Energy Drink decals on the side (Co-op money baby) and let the lakes run Green with cheap boats and people going nuts on their skurfer!

What a world that would be.