Feb 21, 2017

Lt. Daniels Adjusts To Life In 2017



Take a breath Lt. Daniels, it may not make sense to you right now, but, thats ok.

Every generation has this, people explore themselves, their relationship with their fellow human, redefine ones assumptions of gender identity.

Besides, a Trebuchet is a pretty cool type of catapult, imagine hooking up with one of those at a ski tournament.

Someone is pregnant.

Just not sure whom

Lets All Get Epilepsy!


This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd.  This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.

In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.

Gdansk = Jaquess

David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.

Boosh.  Make it full screen.  Smoke some weed.

You will die soon.

Feb 16, 2017

Holy Moly - Get This Kid On A Show Ski Team

"For every back-flip you get a cookie" | Kid: 

Look at this! My lord, and he sticks the landing! Amazing.

Strap some 68 inch jumpers on that kid, point him toward a ramp.

 Sit back and collect your 500 point show ski act.

 Legend in the making

Feb 14, 2017

CRB Valentines Help: 2017

Oh baby, you got me a bong?!
Most people view this day as a day in which to celebrate those close to them, a way in which to shed the nonsense of day to day life and refocus on their loved ones, a day devoted to them...its lovely and we at the CRB are here to help.

Because, lets be honest, 90% of people about 50% of the time turn to the crb 25% of the time for 5% of their love live needs.

If you are a math person that equals like 170% of people, so, good luck with your e-harmonize and your tinder and your healthy relationships.  We are here to offer you the proper V-Day syllabus.
  1. Get something that comes from the ground that is colorful.
    1. Weed is a good start, its mostly legal and removes inhibitions
    2. edibles are also nice.  a ginger bread cookie or mushrooms are never not a thing that you could do.
    3. Flowers sure, why not.  Get the expensive ones, roses are nonsense, but, get ones that smell good. Trust us.  We are divorced
  2. Long car. 
    1. don't be an idiot, spring for a limo.  be it a Lincoln or a hummer or a, whatever, ford.  
    2. If that is not realistic, at least, leave your car just like it is normally..because nothing says love like, "here, wait, let me get these empty water bottles off my seat quick...also, ignore the court ordered summons and black tar heroin on the floor mats"
  3. Remember this day isn't about you
    1. And its not about your other 1/2.  its about mass consumerism and light bondage 
      1. also: banging.
  4. flowers aren't bad.
  5. Oreo cookies are not wise.
  6. Chicken Noodle Soup is messy, and really a bad choice for bed time playtime.  Your sheets are damp as hell now you idiot.
  7. Good lord, don't take advice from this website. Only two things would happen
    1. Instant pregnancy
    2. Taco bell Drive through. 



Both of those are bad!!!  Kids and mass-constructed tacos are bad for your financially and health wise!!!

So, what do we do?

Go to a restaurant, order two cobb salads, (heavy on the ham and green peppers) and 3 bottles of wine.  

Then fall asleep on the couch watching house on netflix. 

Thats it.  Don't over think it.  oh...get a slice of apple pie and use that in the bed room.  Its never not a bad idea.  Serious, you will have triplets in 2 months if you do this.  Why?  

Because this is America still.  Isn't it?

If you are lucky enough to have someone that can deal with your shit on a daily basis and you are happy with them, or at least not homicidal, then you are on to something.

That is a step up from some. We have been murdered two or three times at least this year alone. Thats always a bad thing. The dry cleaning bills alone make it not worth your own death after 2 of them.


There, now you have all you need to know to make this valentines day perfect.

Also, tip for the professionals out there.  Flavor blasted gold fish always set a romantic mood.

Eat a couple of those and

/takes off pants

/slips and falls out of the window (somehow)

/gets run over by a garbage truck

AGAIN????

CRB Reviews Tow Vehicles - 2017 Chevy Silverado

Often times we are queried from the waterski community on our opinion on various waterski related topics, from nutrition, to equipment, to health, to drugs, to cold cuts...it runs the gamut.  

One of the more interesting questions that we receive at CRB HQ is what is the best vehicle to tow your boat.  In this and on-going posts, we will discuss and grade the various offerings out in the marketplace for how well they tow boats.


CRB REVIEWS TOW VEHICLE: 2017 Chevrolet Silverado

You can't afford me

Initial Thoughts: 

This truck looks tough as hell.  Pick ups have seem to be like someone in their late teens, can't quite decide what look they want to go for.  Changing dramatically every couple of years.  You tell someone you have a Silverado and they probably think of the early 2000's version or maybe the square headlamps version from around 08 and on.

Never the less, its a good looking rig

The new apps are bonkers

Comfort:


It has alot of tech stuff going on, cameras and bluetooth and buttons to push that you aren't always sure what they do.  Sometimes music plays, sometimes a small dildo comes out of the glove box.

How did you know Sheila was so in need Chevy???

Some trucks now have things that help with the brakes of the trailer, but, our biggest beef and maybe its changed is, that, we wish there was a way for the back up camera to point straight down at the hitch so when loading up the trailer, you could be really accurate.



Also the seats are pretty good, we guess, and at least the CRB truck the center console part flips up so you can have a sort of bench seat up front for either having sex or getting extra day laborers in for your landscape job.


but, mostly the sex part.

Pro tip:  Do this while driving on the highway!  Blueberry flavored orgasms y'all.

See this plow?  Curious?  Ask your mum.


Power:

It has a big ass engine, so hauling a boat around is really not a problem.  And probably gets ok mileage.  If you don't have a heavy foot.

Pansy.

There is crazy technology now, so, it has like, we don't know, 400 horsepower and enough torque to pull your house 3 feet to the west so your bitch ass neighbor quits complaining their property line and how your house and/or your slip and slide quite encroaching on their land.

God, our neighbor is a whiner.

Dude, just because your family life is in ruins because you can't perform is by no means a reason to not return our damn lawn mower and cat.

Didn't use their blinker. 


Behind the Wheel: 

Pretty darn good.  Its powerful, drives pretty nice.  Not a sports car, but, doesn't trip over its own dick.  Serious thought, we would really like our cat back.  That isn't something that even makes sense in the terms of the unspoken agreement that neighbors have.

Its one thing to forget about an inanimate object, like a lawn mower.

Even thought is a riding god damn lawn mower,  not something that gets lost in the garage.

But, you have our cat.  You have to like, feed it and clean the litter box.

Your doing that right?  Jesus Doug, you aren't just letting Meow Zedong just poop wherever are you?  C'mon man!  Have some dignity!!!

Serious though, if this is something you need to talk about, 90% of the CRB is on the deck in the evening grilling up meats and drinking beers most nights, just come by and we can help.  Samantha in A/R has been through some things in her life and would be happy to help out.  She has a degree in something from a place we hadn't heard of.  But, she berated us for our lack of snacks in our waiting room, so she was hired with extreme prejudice, and with a healthy raise after 1 day.

Quit eating so much corn Doug


Final Thoughts:

What we are saying dude, is that, if you need some help with things, its ok.  We all go through that, its nothing to be embarrassed about.  Life is not something that one can go through alone without at least having someone to bounce things off of.  Otherwise you end up wearing chaps and a clown nose and doing hand stands in your back yard for beggars quarters.

At least that is what we have heard.

Shut up.  It was a phase.

So for real, every thursday at CRB homefront, we make ribs and only drink either fruitopia w/ vodka or fireball with tabasco and mellow yellow.

We don't know either, its really bad and dumb.  But, fun!!

Come by, no questions asked.  Other then where the hell is our cat and mower.  And yo, we make hella ribs.  Not the bullshit short ribs either, the meaty ass ones that come from the shoulder area.  They are worth it, the smoker goes for like 12 hours, various brisquites and ribs, covered in the CRBsauce.  Which is mainly water, ketchup, jalepenos, salt, pepper, and grape jelly.

Come on by Doug, we are worried about you.

On second thought, we will just come over.  This is becoming something more then we can bare.

Oh, and the truck is fine.  Its floating in the pool.  Yolo Son.

No doug, that is not YOLO

CRB Cooking School: Coffee

Beans are spilled
Item: Coffee

Description: A typical morning beverage for people who stay up to late at night writting silly blog posts on a waterski based website that they haven't figured out a way to monitize yet.  Maybe?

Why?: General laziness mainly, as we offended the google ad people by having nudity on the site a few years ago so that didn't work, and from there we aren't sure what to do, despite like, hundreds of thousands of salary going to our unpaid interns.  College, haha, right?

OH! Why coffee, because its A) a morning drink that helps you wake up and B) a nice routine based item to help us live out the rest of our days with a sense of calm instead of shrieking dispair.

What do you need?  Coffee beans.  Duh.  and a coffee maker, and depending on the state of your beans, also a grinder.

So, in order

1) Aquire beans.  Go to the store, either a grocery store or your local coffee shop and acquire beans.

Some people get all huffy of what kind of beans, its like the beer snobs, its whatever you like.  There are heavy type coffee and light type...ask the person working there for help.  Thats what they do!  But as a general rule of thumb - - darker, heavier coffees are for people who have a wider palate of tastes, where as, lighter coffee tends to be for people who like sea food and think pepper is to spicy for their chicken wings*

2) Have coffee maker.  This is an apparatus that puts hot water through ground beans and a filter into a big glass jug.  Which you then pour from into a smaller jug.  Then goes into your face.

3) Coffee grinder: If you have beans that are un-ground.  Get one of these, you get them at a store.  Its a thing that grinds beans into a powder.  Like your cocaine.  The CRB Grinder is in the floor behind the shelf because someone got drunk and knocked it onto the ground.

Because apathy.  Its pathetic.  Also, it was me.  and I wasn't drunk.  And it wasn't on the ground.  It was on a different shelf that I forgot about.  Also, I don't own one. So the other shelf was the one at the store.  Which I don't go to.  Whatever, they cost like 5 dollars.  Get two of them.  one for coffee and one for achiote paste.  Thats something we will tackle at a later cooking school.  Its used for pork mostly.  Its really good and has nothing to do with coffee.

How do you make it?  Its really pretty easy.

You simply get a filter and put it in the tray thing in the coffee maker.  Which, yes, you should also get filters.  They are located at the store by the coffee and grinders, and also, like, one row away from condoms, which you don't need.

Put the filter in the thing.  Fill the other thing with water.  The other thing is the part behind the part where the filter is, its the part that looks like it could fit a bunch of water.

Put like.  Maybe...2 1/2 table spoons of ground coffee into the filter contraption.  Something like that.  We screw it up always.  But you can always add bourbon.  Which, when mixed in coffee in the morning, isn't a cry for help, its a sign of sophistication.

And also a way to drive to work better.

Then you turn the machine on.  Wait about 30 seconds before cussing at the thing because it is taking so freaking long to put the water from the contraption that holds water into the glass contraption in the front that also holds water.

Tell the damn thing to go to hell or eat a dick or whatever and then walk out of the room and onto the porch to get a beer out of the cooler you left open from the night before, because you aren't responsible and forgot to bring in the cheez-its and cold cuts.

Drink that quickly, its 7:30 in the AM you danged fiend!!!!

Then, go take a shower.  With your beer.  Actually, you should grab another.  Because shower beers are great.  Enjoy yourself.  Life is short.  Have fun.  The hell with them if they can't take a joke.

Drink your beers in the shower.  Sing along to the kings of leon song that came on, dang that was a good concert.


Oh, god damn it, they are playing the red hot chile peppers,

Should have got the bluetooth speaker thing your ex-girlfriend mentioned.  Then you could listen to your own music and not this garbage.  Shut up Samantha!  Im glad your gone.  No, my face is wet from the shower.  Its not a tear.  Your beef stroganoff sucks.

I didn't mean that.  Come back.

ugh...slam your beer and turn off the radio, they are garbage.  Dry off, put on your clothes, throw the empties into the trash and go down stairs.

At this point, 4 ounces of coffee should be ready to go.

Pour that, whoop!  Side note.

Pouring: that means holding the coffee receptacle in one and and a smaller receptacle in the other and transferring liquids.  Most people do this without to much trouble.

Ok, we are now at the critical juncture.

Getting that fluid into your face.

Its hot, right?  So what we do is this....

PRO TIP: put an ice cube into your cup...the receptacle, to get rid of some of the aforementioned heat.

Thats it!!!!

You have now made coffee.  And if your doing it right, you have a slight buzz going.  Your day is going to be so damn good.

Now What?: Get in your car and drive to work.  Make that money kid.  You have to do this for the next 40 years and then die.

You will be fine.  life is not linear.  Its a winding road to absolution



* complete bullshit


Buy Some Jump Skis - Ignore Your Dumb Knees

You know you want to ride me


Remember what it was like to feel?

Its been muted recently by all the time spent in the bars,

You're now second rate compared to your contemporaries,

Its time to stand up and be the aggressor. 


Time for you to make your life ideal,

To watch the zombies go by in their cars,

It doesn't matter, its time to be extemporary,

Put everything aside, there is no time to be clever,


Bones heal,

Chicks dig scars,

Pain is temporary,

Glory is forever. 


Jumpers are only $1,650, its quite a deal,

Available in 68 inches, not the ones that take you to mars,

Its a bit of cash, but the deal is quite extraordinary,

The hell with it, your knees won't last forever


Liquor in the front,

Poker in the rear,

If you can't run with the big dogs,

Get off the porch


*fin*



LINKS:
Performance Ski and Surf - not an ad, serious.  was shopping for skis