Apr 17, 2016

Lets All Get Epilepsy!


This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd.  This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.

In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.

Gdansk = Jaquess

David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.

Boosh.  Make it full screen.  Smoke some weed.

You will die soon.

Mar 18, 2016

A Quick Patrice Martin Timeline

Patron saint of the CRB stopped by our offices the other day to try and figure out what the hell we do on a daily basis.  Which, these days, isn't as much as we used to.  Besides making fun of ball of spray, we mainly spend our days eating sliced meats, floating around in the skimasterbu and occaisonally falling down the stairs like ED 209 while wearing trick skis, we are resting on our laurels like a boss.

But, Patrice was in no mood for our nonsense, and took us all into our conference room to discuss the steps it takes to be good.  It doesn't come from a witty sense of humor, a lethal ability to construct sentences or the unmatched talent to fall on most waterskis, no...he said...its more then that.

He then proceeded to give us a two hour long presentation on what it takes to make it in this world.

Other then the breaks for coffee and snacks, and despite the total media black out he institituted, here is a cliff notes version of the pump up meeting that Patrice Martin gave the CRB staff.

Patrice at either 10 or 30 years old.
 You have to train.  Your skill means dick without training.  Work till your exhausted, and then keep going.


Put that training to use.  Go out and work.  A backside wake 180 may seem like its simple, but, thats because he worked at it, so its second nature.  yeah, this takes effort.


After working so hard, its ok to give yourself a reward.  Now this is either Patrice or Debby Harry, either way, its sensual as hell.  But, the point was, you need to be focused on your goal and determined to get there.  But, if you are so single minded that that you forget the rest of your life, you wont actually enjoy the fruits of your labour and then what is the point in the first place?


Oh!  We are in color now, and by god trick releases are for pussies!  You master one aspect, and then you move on to the next level.  Go from the best at handle passes to toe tricks.  Toe tricks, btw, don't do them. Bad.  But, for the purpose of this powerpoint, it proved to be a tear jerker.


Oh look!  I am the best at one thing and he decided to go be awesome at another thing.  The point was to not be so crazy on one aspect that you cant go out and do more.  strap on a skurfer and go be great at that.  In 2016 there is a hella Skurfer tour going.  Its underground, like, only the cool kids know about it.  but, you should maybe do that as well.


And don't let your professional goals get in the way of your personal goals as well.  We need to have a proper balance of work and life, we all need to have that and pass on our genes and have a partner in crime.  They keep us sane, a friend to help us battle through life.  It actually helps us perform better and be a better person.


Eventually, you will have kids.  You can pass along your love of the sport to your kids.  Share that love, share the passion, don't pressure them into being what you weren't, but, allow them to...wait.

What....

Thats us??

yep, thats a little CRB!


Thats us!!!

Patrice Martin is our dad?????

YES!!!!!

Take that trick release off the boat!!  Lets do a damn toe trick pass!!!!

Praise Jesus!

Mar 8, 2016

There Are Some Fish Over There


HURRY, THEY ARE OVER THERE.

DAMNIT FRANK, 250 HORSEPOWER?  C'MON!

THE FISH AREN'T GOING TO BE THERE ANYMORE IF YOU DON"T HUSTLE

FASTER

FASTER

FASTER

/gets to spot

/fucks around with tackle box

/eats some jerky

OVER THERE!  GO NOW YOU BASTARD!

Feb 9, 2016

Local Man Struggles With Basic Water Sports

Fred Sanders (seen here being terrible at waterskiing) - hates his kids because they haven't fulfilled his failed dreams. 
Jones Farm, MT - After a weekend on the water, local botanist Fred Sanders, was seen drinking beer in his garage angry over his inability to master the sport of waterskiing.

Sources have informed CRB that Fred and his family, wife Marissa, daughters Samantha and Kelly and son Scott...or some shit.  who cares.

Anyways.

The family decided to spend the weekend on the water at Lake Ballsax,  a popular weekend destination for much of the city and surrounding county, where you can find everything from over served and sunburned accountants and roofers trying to whip their kids on tubes, either, to their death or into another boat, or play their stereos loud enough that everyone on the lake can hear Kid Rocks god damn song about some fucking lake in Michigan..or, you know, fisherman we guess.

Onlookers noted that Mr. Sanders seemed particularly ornery on the Saturday in question, as after pulling his son on a wakeboard run, he seemed as if he had something to prove.

"yeah, Fred...he is always a little more aggressive then should be necessary," said local flutist Gary Smuthers, "we are used to that with him, we assume he has some issues with inadequacy that he hasn't quite figured out, but, right after his son...whats his name?  scott...or some shit?  who cares, anyways, after he went out and jumped the wake a few times, fell a few times, then started to whine that the water was cold...well, you could see his veins start to pulse"

Following his sons wildly disappointing turn on the wakeboard, Fred was seen verbally chastising his entire family for not appreciating his hard work during the week, and also his wife's inability to keep him aroused for an appropriate length of time, despite his own infidelity and increasingly poor diet, health, and personal well being..resulting in his unsurprising lack of strength, stamina or size.

"I have met the guy a few times, normally tuesday nights," said Eric Skipmeister, a bartender at the local hotspot 'Slimeys'.  "He is...kind of a skirt chaser, and, seemingly has money to burn..I guess, he has never mentioned his family before, but, when we saw them on Saturday...it did make sense"

Never the less, Fred was determined to show his son how to properly ride a wake board.  Angrily shoving his feet into the far to small bindings and slapping at the water in a futile attempt to put himself in proper position effectively get on top of the water as the boat accelerated.

Which further enraged Fred, as his wife, a complete novice to operating a high powered ski boat, was not sure how to properly pull a waterskiier.   Having never driven a boat, taking a boating safety class or spent any moment of her life in a boat prior to the day in question, the task presented was one that was a folly at best...a lurking disaster at worst.

This made no difference to Fred as he screamed from 200 feet behind the boat that she was an idiot and obviously having extra-marital affairs, whilst also actively telling her mom that he was an unfit husband.

"It was a wild scene man," said local stoners PeachTree and SunBeam.  "yeah man..like, his trip was something else...he needed to like..you know...just chill out and try a brownie"

The scenario of Fred yelling and slapping at the water and generally being a bad waterskiier played out, to the great amusment of the rest of the boating public on the lake, for what seemed like an entire afternoon.

Which as it turns out, was an entire afternoon.

Repeatedly getting back into the boat to slam Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas and further both the embarasement of his family and the case against him for eventual divorce, the rest of the boaters on the lake began to abandon their own ventures, giving way to watching the spectacle unfolding.

"GOD DAMN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME FOR THIS DAY ON THE LAKE,"  Fred said according to witness testimony later on to the police. "I WORK HARD FOR THIS FAMILY AND YOU SHOULD RESPECT ME"

Most of this was said while also falling over into and out of the boat, "GOD DAMN.  MY CIGARETTES, MARISSA, WHAT THE HELL...OH SCREW IT, LET ME SHOW YOU UNGREATFUL JERKS HOW ITS DONE"

With that, Fred again got back into the water, this time with a graceful trip and fall over the side with a pair of combo skis.

"I CAN DO THIS DAMNIT" he was reported to have yelled in the opposite direction of the boat, stunning a group of ducks who scattered towards the middle of the lake.

Over the course of the next 5 to 10 minutes, onlookers reported that he constantly could not keep the skis under him in and was constantly flailing around in a hopeless attempt to right himself.

At one point Fred took off his right ski and tried to throw it back into the boat.  Which only resulted in him pulling a rib cage muscle and blaming it on foreigners.

At this point, Police records indicate Fred's bowels released themselves into this stupid Billabong board shorts and he simply said, "fuck it" and floated away from his boat trying to light a Marlboro Light with a pack of wet matches.

At press time, his wife has filed for divorce.  Fred, meanwhile, was in his garage angrily attempting to fix that god damn screen door that doesn't seem to latch while drinking his 8th or 9th beer of the morning, he was also heard muttering that "those bastards on their waterskis are...something...whatever screw them...and scott?  or some shit, who cares, probably not even my son."

(Ed Note: updates to the story include the feces in the shorts and the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, initially excluded from the print edition for space)


Jan 28, 2016

Outboard Boats Are Awesome

Nice Booty
Recently, Mastercraft unveiled a new boat!  Specifically, an outboard boat.  An outboard ski boat as part of their NXT (huh?) line.  Not sure what that is yet, but, we are sure we will figure it out in like, 3 or 4 paragraphs.

Remember awesome outboard ski boats?  Lets take a float down memory lane.

Barefoot 200 - Occasionally not that great at turning fast
Hydrodyne - some total recall stuff going on (3 boobs!!)
Should be called Flightcraft still! 
Thats all we could think of off the top of our heads.  Outboards are awesome, especially weird uncle Jimmy's boat, the one with three wide seating that was built to fish.  Thing has like a 300 horsepower motor, why?  So he can haul MUCH ass to get to the spot over there to sit for three hours and be racist whilst not catching shit.

We venture a guess that alot of people learn to ski not behind a nice tournament type ski boat, but, the family run-about thing that is great at floating around and not starting and making your dad super mad that the assholes at the marina didn't change the sparkplugs...oh and also being on a trailer and causing funny jack knives when trying to launch.

But, there is something hypnotic about an outboard when the motor is wound up and your are, whatever, pulling a skier or outrunning the cops or just going fast.  Its a motor that moves back and forth to make the boat turn, it kinda vibrates weird and normally engines aren't shaped that way.

Look at the motor in your car, that wouldn't look right on the back of a boat, but, SON OF A GUN! Smart people shove those things into a weird looking case, slap a prop on it and BOOM, you are cruising with like, at least a 50% better chance of cutting off your hand!!!

Anyways, reactions to Mastercrafts new outboard from around the CRB Offices were pretty unanamous in their praise.

"Cool" said one staffer

"Wonder how fast it goes" said another

"Why isn' the motor right in the middle of the boat where I can kick it really hard by accident and break one of my toes"  said someone who would like to remain nameless

"how much you think something like that costs" said someone who knew that we were about 1/2 way through this article.

Lets find out!

NXT is supposed to be Mastercrafts "entry" type level boats, ones that people that don't have all the money in the world can afford!   That sounds awesome, because, thats most people!

Pricing is hard to come by, as in, google can't find it for us, so, lets just go to mastercrafts site and see what its sister boat, the NXT20 inboard version, is going for.


Wow, thats still a pretty good chunk of change, and WOW starting at 75 for a prostar.  That seems like alot of money.  Is it?

not a problem for this guy
Now, obviously, this doesn't take into account that this new boat is an outboard and not an inboard, so, maybe that will help out?

Based on pricing from these guys, BAM Marine a 200 - 250 horsepower mercury outboard retails out for somewhere between $15,000 and $20,000.  

Thats alot of dimp. 

Now, say the hull and the electronics and whatever else is somewhere starting at the 20,000 - 30,000 range, your looking at basically, $40-55 grand.  

Wow. 

Well, none of us ever thought that this was a cheap sport!  And new stuff is expensive, its always that way.  Doesn't do any good to get all grumpy about it!  Let the companies make their money so they can sponsor tournaments and make bitchin boats for a long time!

Moomba boats, when they came out, they were billed as the no frills entry level boat, lets see what those start for. 

God damn!

It would be really nice if there was an actual entry level ski boat out there, there has to be a way to get something that is relatively decent in the, say, $20,000 range?  

Maybe the cost of making boats is just that expensive now, or emissions standards and other safety things are inflating the price, or maybe it just is what it is. 

But, who knows, some entreprenueal son of a gun should just buy the old 1995 Mastercraft Prostar 190 hull molds, start cranking out those bad boys at a cheap price and, what the hell, slap Monster Energy Drink decals on the side (Co-op money baby) and let the lakes run Green with cheap boats and people going nuts on their skurfer!

What a world that would be.

Oct 23, 2015

Lets Have A Quick Discussion About This Waterski Magazine Article

weeee..oh thats your mom. 
In the last issue of waterski magazine there was an article where they attempted to get the root of, or, figure out ways in which to make our sport more popular, more available to the public, to..we dont know...point out problems in our current model of promoting our sport.

This concept, the idea if figuring out ways to increase our sports mainstream consumption is something that, really, is at the core of what we like here at CRB, and we commend the dead tree publication of at least taking a look at something that we have all known for years.

To that end, we are going to take a look at their "solutions" and discuss them.  Like grown ups.  We have shown love to Waterski Mag, and as always this is not to tear them down, but, to help out.

Shine light through the cracks, so to speak.

And this may take awhile, because lord almighty is there some nonsense that we need to look at.


1)  Rebuild from the top down. 

Steve Garcia is the first person they talk to, who was an organizer in 2013 under 21 world championships and soaked orlando.

His solution is, basically, to do away with IWWF because they charge to much, up to 200,000 dollars to put on a tournament, and instead rich parents need to pony up so we can have tournaments.

CRB response.

who gives a damn about the IWWF?  You want to run a tournament, do it.  Dig up sponsors, find a bad-ass location (note: not in the middle of nowhere, where no one can see it) and kick ass

Find rich parents to put in money.  just no.  This isn't u-14 soccer, this is not a country club, this isn't that shit.  Rich parents are a stain on the sport, on any sport, on anything, because they are going put in money and expect certain things.  Thats not competition, thats an exhibition, and thats bullshit.




2) Go easy on em. 

Greg Davis, founder of the Big Dawg tournament...Which as an aside, is the best thing that has come to waterskiing in the last 20 years, so his opinion is important, and its...

"we need to slow the boats down for younger people because they get discouraged"   -paraphrase

AND...your wrong. 

CRB response

Oh, billy can't run 22 off.  So what, sack up and keep trying.  If you want to make a sport something that means nothing then make the rules different so that people who can't hack it may feel good. 

This is the 'get a trophy for showing up' thing, and while its not the worst thing in the world, its not good.  The full quote is basically, we are afraid of losing people who can ski because they can't hang. 

Maybe, we actually don't have good skiers skiing, and therefor, we don't need em anyways.  Lets expand our minds and find skiers who are actually good and can hang with the rules that have been in place for years? 

I.E, maybe Bryce who can't run 22 off at 36 MPH isn't any good, and we shouldn't bend for him, but, Lamar who can do it, and doesn't need training wheels should be promoted. 

This takes the argument into a whole different aspect, debating the money vs non money and accessibility of our sport, but, we would venture a guess that there are many kids out there that would crush 90% of our current skiers but, they don't have the access that we do

Unpack what you need out of that statement. 



3) Pick and Promote. 

This is the most 100% accurate part of this article.  

Find people that are interesting, good and a fun story and promote the shit out of em.  

CRB Response.

We currently have phenomenal skiers and great personalities in our sport and if we, CRB Video?, were able to produce a tournament, or an event or a series, goodness...we would..just judging by twitter, have some fun people to utilize as springboards. 

Just a few names.  Freddy, Dodd, Erica Lang, Shaun Murray, The Bonifays, Patrice god damn Martin, Gabi, the Wilsons, McLintocks, etc. 

There are people out there worth promoting and worth exploring their story. 

It takes work!  An in depth story on April Coble would be fascinating, but, no one does it.  Where does the desire to compete come from, putting on tournaments, working this hard in your 40's?  

My god, Marcus Brown is a 30,000 word story on his own!  We have personalities out there that no one taps into, utilizes, explores...coming from a journalistic-ish background its disappointing, to see usa waterski, waterski mag, etc, ignore this aspect...its frustrating.   




4) Find waterskis twin tips

Ignore the concept of this part, because it, again, is wrong in execution, but, correct in concept.

The premise is that downhill skiing has twin-tip skis now and are easier to ski on and its taken a bite of our snowboarding, taken those people back into skiing.

Your re-arranging the same pie.

CRB Response:

The idea is sound.  You want to find something that brings outsiders into the sport that wouldn't normally consider themselves waterskiers or wakeboarders.

At least, we hope thats the idea.

What you want, again...AGAIN, is to make our sport accessible to people that would have the means or opportunities otherwise.

We have that already with wake surfing and wakeboarding.  Two relatively simple aspects of our sport to get into.  Not saying they are easy, but the learning curve is easier.

And look, mr. slalom asshole.  Your the one who makes entry into slalom hard.  Just like its hard to get into playing guitar.  You deal with so many assholes who have some weird vested interest in their own smarmy outlook on their own patch of land you feel like an idiot for even trying.

Twin tips could, theoretically mean, access to sport.  Welcome people into your world.  Yes, your boat and ski are set up just right, but, welcome someone who has no idea what they are doing and allow them to fail and flail with your support.

OH SHIT, you have a EP combo ski!  Just rock this shit son.
/crash
/crash
Oh, that was awesome, lets try this slight correction.
/crash
/makes one buoy
BOOM!  life time waterskier

The lifestyle of a waterskier should never be one of exclusion but inclusion, you should..YOU!  should always embrace people in your warm blanket of love and help.  We have a unspoken responsibility to help that we should take serious.



5) Shoot and Share

Social media and go-pro.

Jeff Hymes, basically, said we should all video our skiing and post it online so people can see it.

Thanks Jeff.  That helps

Pretend the previous three sentences didn't exist.

CRB Response:

"media is consumed differently, kids and phones"  Boom.  thats it.

No shit dude.  This is already happening and if we are to be so bold, waterskiing and winter skiing is the pioneer of that exact architect of the form.

The CEO of go-pro is an avid surfer, and thought up the idea for mobile mounted cameras whilst on an surfing vacation, some of the best videos go-pro has (not really go-pro, but, mobile cameras) are either on water, on snow, or on a motorcycle...this is an avenue that the people who are the future of our sport are already well versed in.

There, however, is no actual outlet for this creativity .

Sure, facebook and twitter and such provide an outlet, but there doesn't seem to be a real END GAME for waterski stuff.   You will never see Nate Smiff crushing a 41 off pass and someone yelling WORLDSTAR WORLDSTAR! in the video.

Unless Nate Smiff takes off his ski and baseball bats some dude eating a burger on shore talking nonsense.

Lets be serious tho, worldstar is not something to aspire to, but, someone skiing a 28 off set for the first time ever at the Wyoming Open doesn't get love on any waterski related media platform.

/stares at waterski magazine

If it isn't slaloming, waterski magazing doesn't care...if its not wakeboarding, alliance or whomever doesnt care...but..

BUT!!  Thats social media.  its a democracy.  If its cool, people see it.  If not?  people don't  There is no blame.  Just, simply, the power players need to step up their game to help.

/stares at waterski magazine



6) Build a Pyramid

Turn our top people into stars and our participants into fanatics.

note: this part was done by our beloved THE KRISTA, and we love her.  So, it hurts to say this but.

lol.  nothing we agree.

However, the deep concept, that she is refering to is simply this.

We need to make our best people something that we aspire to, and not someone we sesh with.  Its people we aspire to be, skill we aspire to ascertain, a level of, shit, money we aspire to get.

Young quarterbacks don't aspire to hang with Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady, maybe they do, but, they aspire to kick their ass on the football field.  To be like them, to dominate like them, to be the best the sport has to offer.

The best thing that has happened to our sport in the last, shoot, 20 years?, since the Coors Light thing on ESPN, was Freddy on the X-Games.

It was a one-off, it wasn't exactly what we do but...

but...

GOD DAMN it was cool!  People who had no idea about anything came up to me and asked what that was.

*note - we work in a retail establishment sometimes and made sure to turn it on*

*note - yes, its the gap.  come by for jeans you jerk*

That was, however, Freddy on a national stage, on tv, being the top of that pyramid.

We are Freddy's age, and still want to do what he does, be like him, have what he has.

Thats what, we hope, THE KRISTA meant.

There was other stuff of clinics and cross-country tours and whatever.  But, we need the bell-cow type skiers to inspire and drive us all to stay connected to our industry, to buy the shit that our companies make, to make this not just a hobby, but a lifestyle.

We have kayaks and fucking $200 paddles, cmon!  We tip over trying to even get in and will probably drown in 4 inches of water!!

We can support our own bad ass skiers and stay involved.  The point being that there is a hierarchy of people that we can aim towards.

In life, motivational speaker type people will tell you to set smaller goals that you can reach because that keeps you engaged in the process and keeps you from getting discouraged as you move along.  Something like A instead of B

A. Vacuum the living room.
B. Take control of infrastructure improvements on the nations toll-roads.

If B. is your first goal, well son, you are going to get really bummed out really quick.  But, if A. is the first of your goals, you may achieve that today.

/plugs in vacuum
/fires up bong
/orders pizza
/watches wheel of fortune
/forgets dog is outside
/lulz

Well, you got close!!

We can't be Freddy or Jacinta right now, but we can build a system that allows us to be apart of it all and they are part of it as well.

We were told once, on our first lesson learning to surf.  "Kelly Slater started here as well, don't be discouraged"

"OH SHIT!  Kelly Slater took a lesson from a stunning blond girl in San Diego in 2002???  I can do anything!"

"well, lets not get carried away"

"Nonsense!  Lets do this damn thing!!"

/stands on surfboard on the beach
/wipes out off the surfboard on the beach
/falls off surfboard again trying to get the water
/falls off surfboard paddling
/falls off surfboard again while paddling

"What the hell!!!"

/falls off surfboard while paddling
/falls off surfboard while trying to stand up
/falls off surfboard while trying to stand up
/stands up
/falls directly into mouth of shark after standing up

"GOD DAMNIT!"

/punches shark in the testicles
/paddle
/paddle
/paddle
/stands up
/surfs like two feet
/flies off board and ends up face first in sand

"WOOOOO!"

"Made it two feet!!"

But, to that end, we all start somewhere and its good to have something to, and someone to, aspire to.

Freddy wasn't a world champ right away, and neither are we.  But, we can be part of it and enjoy it while it lasts

Promotion of our sport is not something that can be tackled that easy, its a systemic issue that really needs to be headed up on a high up level.  To that end, we need our leaders to put something together that we can all follow, a bread crumb trail that leads to higher places.

From our experiance, those people are in place in places like USA Waterski and with whoever else it is that runs Moomba and Malibu and the US Open and such, but, maybe we all get together and figure out a single strand that runs through it all that we can all grab onto and use our tentacles (arms) to grab others and bring them along.