What Is A Cheeseburger In Paradise - Part 2

 

Back in part one of the cheeseburger posts, and as the above video corroborates, the song Cheeseburger in Paradise is about Jimmy Buffet getting a burger in Tortola after a few days of being "ship wrecked", which we feel is being wrecked on a ship, but, that's splitting hairs. 

Then, limping into port and getting loose with some bar burgers.  

This is understood, and Buffett cannon. 

However, we do want to examine something peculiar within the song and its specifically the refrain as such. 

[Chorus 1]

Cheeseburger in paradise

Heaven on earth with an onion slice

Not too particular, not too precise

I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

YOU'RE a cheeseburger in paradise??

That would be quite an interesting examination of a metaphorical burger, would it not?

In this instance, it appears he is referring to himself as the cheeseburger, which, is as noted in the song. specifically the forth verse (which you can see below as the forth verse), it is the American Creation™!

[Verse 4] 

But times have changed for sailors these days 

When I'm in port, I get what I need 

Not just Havanas or bananas or daiquiris 

But that American creation™on which I feed

In this circumstance if he himself is the metaphorical cheeseburger, would he be then a self-cannibal and eating his own flesh?     

Lets put that to the side for a second and simply refer to him being the cheeseburger and it being in paradise. 

The cheeseburger is an American Creation™ so he is then referring to himself as the American in paradise. 

And what is a cheeseburger, other then a quintessentially American creation™, on which we feed*

Matter of fact, circling back to the George Motz, who is the guy in the video above, on his youtube channel (or whatever, he is a guy on this one) First we feast he has all kinds of videos of the hamburger and its history in this country and different regional burgers and so forth and sort of how that particular sandwich is interwoven with American history. 

SO ANWAYS!

Jimmy Buffet could potentially be referring to himself as a cheeseburger, because he is an American Creation™ in a paradise locale and that juxtaposition is fun. 

Thanks for coming to our ted talk. 

when you see the southern cross for the first time**

*your mom is an american creation™ on which we feed.  lulz

** imagine if stephen stills and jimmy buffet hooked up for tunes.    

Vid Day Monday - Wednesday Edition

This was re-"tweet"ed by alliance a few weeks ago, and it had shit for engagement*, and we thought that was strange.  However on the actual instragram platform, by the actual creators (the peacock bros**) its great, that is the entirety of our social media understanding.  

that's a long way of saying, whatever, it rips.  

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖯𝖤𝖠𝖢𝖮𝖢𝖪 𝖡𝖱𝖮𝖳𝖧𝖤𝖱𝖲•WAKEBOARD (@thepeacockbrothers)

that rules.   

*your moms engaged

**peacock.  lmao

NCWSA LOL

 

Hell yeah Samantha (5 years ago), that rules.  

also.  

LMAO

What Is A Cheeseburger In Paradise - Part 1

Atkins diet ass customers

I like mine with lettuce and tomato

Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes

Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer

Well, good God almighty which way do I steer 

Sounds good doesn't it, you know the song and you sure as hell are humming that to yourself now, while imagining eating a burger, go do it!  Let yourself be freeeee!!!    

Its catchy!  So is chlamydia, but, we don't celebrate that do we, so lets take it easy here a little bit, but, Jimmy Buffett, is great!  Sure, we may all just assume Margaritaville and the aforementioned cheese burger song and just kind of lump him in with get drunk on beach music. 

Which, that's good!  But, songs like, A Pirate Looks At 40 or Come Monday have actual emotional heft behind them*. 

Cheeseburger, does not.  Its a song about an awesome cheeseburger in...ugh..paradise.  Yeah, we get that from the title. 

From Parade.com

"The Cheeseburger in Paradise story has been passed down, and it changes a bit in each telling," says Margaritaville concept chef Carlo Sernaglia. "Here is the real story, straight from Jimmy:

'Back in 1974, I sailed into Roadtown, Tortola, after a few days of hard weather. We were tired and hungry, but in those days, gourmet restaurants were few and far between in the British Virgin Islands. So it was with a great deal of excitement when we read in the cruising guide of the new Village Cay marina and restaurant in Roadtown. We tied up our boat and dashed for the patio, where we feasted on burgers and the available accoutrements. Regardless of what other stories you have heard, that is the story of the real birth of the cheeseburger in paradise that was put to song. I know. I was there.'

lmao, sounds like they were partying on a boat, it was lousy weather and they said screw it and sailed to a burger joint.  

We have all been there!  Shoot, 1/2 of Tacos Bells business model is people getting hammered and saying screw it and going to the drive through.  WE KNOW THIS**!

More like, tacos in paradise

Crunchwrap Supreme and some nacho fries, LFG!

So, ok, we have established the parameters of the Cheeseburger origin story, but, what actually constitutes the actual cheeseburger in question.  

Of course in the song, he lists the ingredients, so it should be fairly simple to have your own cheeseburger in paradise/kitchen table/porch/sex swing. 

Lets take a look at the lyrics and we will put the shopping list together. 

From genius.com lyrics

[Verse 2]

But at night I'd have these wonderful dreams

Some kind of sensuous treat

Not zucchini, fettuccini, or bulgur wheat

But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat

Ok, we have a bun and a huge chunk of meat (lol)

[Chorus 1]

Cheeseburger in paradise

Heaven on earth with an onion slice

Not too particular, not too precise

I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

Onions

[Chorus 2]

Cheeseburger in paradise

Medium rare with Muenster'd be nice

Heaven on earth with an onion slice

I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

So, here is the first bit of controversy.  Most people here this as "medium rare with mustard be nice" when its actually Muenster'd be nice.  

Via Wiki

Right??  Not sure if we have ever had that kind of cheese, but, who are any of use to argue with Jimmy Buffett.

Bun, Meat, Onions, Muenster Cheese

[Bridge]

I like mine with lettuce and tomato

Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes

Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer

Well, good god Almighty, which way do I steer?

Pretty straight forward here, lettuce, tomato, heinz 57 and french fries...now, one could quibble a bit and attribute the heinz 57 to the condiment for the fries, as if there was a semi-colon after tomato to indicate a new preface...but, we think its more item item item and THEN fries.  Then we have kosher pickle and a beer.  Awesome.  

Bun, Meat, Onions, Muenster Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Heinz 57.   Fries on the side.  Pickle and a big ass beer. 

That looks like a pretty kick ass lunch right there, can't you picture out in the boat all day and coming in when your all done with your frolicking and getting loose on a burger and some beer?  WE SURE CAN. 

ADDITIONAL RESEARCH TIME.  LETS CONSULT WITH EXPERTS

1)  From the previous parade.com article that mentions the origins of the cheeseburger story, they apparently have the official recipe for that cheeseburger, that they serve at the Margaritaville restaurants and so forth.  

But, we have some issues with this.  Here is the ingredient list from Chef Carlo, who in the story says he was with Jimmy, so he should be an expert w/ first hand knowledge.  

ACTIVATE MS PAINT MODE: 

IM LIVID.  

1/2 a cup "Paradise Island Dressing"  unreal, this man.....CHEF CARLO, WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS OVER MANY COMP'ED BEERS AND VOLCANO NACHOS AT THE COZUMEL LOCATION NEXT WEEK.  

Its Heinz 57!!  There is absolutely no mention of this forsaken island dressing, it way to much feels like a marketing exercise or a lesson in corporate branding.  Because, this is basically a thousand island ish dressing, sort of a Big Mac sauce.  Mayo, Ketchup, Relish and a little lime and salt.  Sure, perfectly fine burger sauce, but, THATS NOT WHATS IN THE SONG!

Stunt on these hoes

Heinz 57 is essentially a spicy-adjacent version of ketchup.  Catsup itself is fine on things, sometimes.  Good with fries, and maybe a boring ass charcoal grill burger when your out with your bros sac-tapping each other.  

Effectively, this is Ketchup, a tinkle of mustard, a bloop of hot sauce, a little Worcestershire sauce and salt.  The real stuff at the store has some malt vinegar and so forth, but, no where in the list of ingredients does it say MAYO!  

Furthermore, in that above ingredients list for the burger it says American cheese (which is the goat for burgers, but, in this case, not the case), as we have discussed, its muenster cheese.  

So, we are going to put this one off to the side.  Good burger recipe, but, not what we are looking for.  Lets move on to the next.

2) Foodnetwork.com has their own version of this burger and it even states ON THE PAGE, "Recipe courtesy of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Cafe"

This time though, needed something with a little more dexterity then MS PAINT, because we needed to put an emoji in, so 

FIRE UP PHOTOSHOP:

Overall a great burger recipe and even making your own French fries, love it.  They are really hard to do right, but, when you get it right at home, man, it just makes you go, "i should have just gone to the store to get the frozen ones and air fried them cuz dang my kitchen is a mess and the kids are going to be back at 4 from the zoo"

But, again we are going with the American Cheese, which, as established, is the best for burgers but again incorrect as the "Cheeseburger in Paradise"

Also, wtf, no Heinz again.  Shameful really.  

This is another one of the, good game good effort, but, take a seat on the bench and lets get the starter back in the game.  

3) TasteWithTheEyes.com, this looks to be the real deal Cheeseburger in Paradise, and as an added bonus looks to have been an actual Parrot Head, so, maybe the bloodline meant more to her!  

But, this particular post is more of a tribute to, then a strict recipe post.  We would strongly recommend looking around her site, there are some magical recipes on there, Sardine Smorrerod?  get outta here 

good god almighty 

Warm bun and huge chunk of meat?   CHECK

Onion Slice?  Check

Medium Rare?  UNCLEAR!

Muenster Cheese?  SURE LOOKS LIKE IT

Lettuce and Tomato?  CHECK

Heinz 57?  ABOUT TIME.  HELLA CHECK

French Fries?  CHECK

Big Kolsher Pickle?  CHECK

Cold Draft Beer?  CHECK!!

Bonus points for a Buffett CD. 

Cant determine if the Heinz is ON the burger or next to it.  Would have to hope that its on the burger, as we assume thats how Jimmy got his. 

ANALYSIS

One has to assume that in the macro aspect of the world and your lives, we have all had lots of cheeseburgers, lots of French fried potatoes, etc.  Many many meals all through the years.  

Some better, some not as better (ed. note - what?) but, context and location and application all play a role in the enjoyment of such an item.  Well, that was a long winded way of saying, sometimes the atmosphere and people have as much to do with the enjoyment of a food-stuff, then the actual food-stuff. 

Point being you don't put the emphasis on the burger, you put it on the paradise.  

It just so happens to be a cheeseburger, could have been some chicken wings in paradise, could have been jalapeño poppers in paradise!  Could have been a side salad and glass of sparking water in paradise! 

Paradise is the key.  Not the burger.  However.  Get the burger correct. make your paradise the best. 

Or.  Is the cheeseburger an actual food item?  Or is there a bit of metaphorical action going on?

Cheeseburger in paradise

Heaven on Earth with an onion slice

Not too particular, not too precise

I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

I'm just a cheeseburger? 

I can haz?  

You're a cheeseburger in paradise?

Lets get into what that means in a day or to, that the cheeseburger is analogous to something else, is he himself the cheeseburger?????

* so does lets get drunk and screw.  your mom has emotional heft

** we don't know this.  officially, but imagine piloting a sailboat through a nautical drive through.  chaos  

*** grinding their meat.  lmao

Collegiate Nationals 2024 - CRB Review - Part 1

Did everyone who wasn't at Collegiate Nationals enjoy it?  Did you watch it on your phone while taking a dump at work?  

We sure did!  In fact, even though we had drones in the air all day long so we could scout all the, um, skiers on the water* we weren't able to catch everything.  Which is a lie, because we absolutely did.  

Some people actually care about this sport, and we assume you are one of them!

I sure hope so, if not, however, lets recap!  Here is day 1

/returns from planting 10 acres of feed corn

/smoking a cigarette

/texting your mom

How was that?  pretty good huh?  you see the part where the person fell on their slalom ski?  haha, yeah, they almost made it to the two ball....just like your mom. Whatever shut up you fiend, Here you go, have day 2

/sets down a decanter of gin

/sets down your mom

/lowers glasses and peers over them

Yeah, you like that don't you.  I have more for you though, in case you need it.  Just be careful, you get into this to much, your tolerance is going to go way up and you will be chasing the dragon for waterski content, and your going to need nipple clamps on your life jacket.   Here is day 3

RIGHT?  WE ARE AS SUPRISED AS YOU ARE, A TEAM FROM LOUISIANNA WON!

It feels like its been forever since we have had a true underdog story like this, the plucky upstarts from some place known as LaFayette band together to take down the evil institution of waterski demagoguery that is the Monroe Warhawks, lead by their vicious and unmerciful leader Ace. 

Seen here leading the captured souls of a previous conquest to the underground chambers where they will await their fate, which most surely will be the most demonic and de-humanizing end to what will have been a hellacious time spent in captivity.  

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A post shared by Ace (@ace_the_warhawk)

Barbaric.  Have you no compassion for the human condition, for the fairness and thrilling act of sport and competition, must you stoop to such levels to demonize and humiliate your opponents not only on the field of competition, but, alas in their private lives as well. 

As a matter of fact these underhanded tactics and the precision in which they yield this never ending cruel blade of waterski horror is something that we should be cheering not only for this victory but for the larger, over arching theme of the people standing up to their oppressor's and throwing down the shackles that hold them back, rising up to a greater good that springs from the eternal heart of t.....

Whispering guy "Sir, the University of LaFayette has won the past 4 straight national titles in D1, actually 5 in a row because in 2020 there wasn't a tournament because of covid, in fact, you would have to back to 2001 for a team other then LaFayette or Monroe to be crowned champion, and more to the point, sir, you would have to go back to..."

G Dubs "Good lord man, you lean in for a whisper in the ear situation and start reciting William Langlands poem Piers Plowman, get to the damn point"

Whispering guy "I'm just saying sir, they aren't the plucky upstarts you think they are"

THIS DOESN'T CHANGE A THING! 

Actually, it changes quite a bit, in fact, starting in 1979 the University of Louisiana - Monroe and Lafayette have won all but 5 of the D1 national championships.  

Its actually amazing and amazingly consistent.  and consistently amazing.  and consistently consistent.  VERY AMAZING AND CONSISTENT

your moms amazingly consistent. 

Fuck you Shoresy!

It really is an amazingly long stretch of dominance, not even counting the fact that no one will compete against Hope College, as they know they have no change against the steam train ass destruction they wreak upon their opponents, 

little known fact, you really have to dig in the USA Waterski archives**, Hope college was banned from any competition that involves water of any kind for the period of not more then one Epoch.  so, your safe for now. 

In fact 2001 was the last time a non Louisiana team won, and that was Louisiana adjacent*** ass Arizona State.  

Going even further back to 1991 and 1992 when University of Central Florida was back to back champs, 1989 was Rollins college (only 10 miles away from UCF) and then in 1979 was San Diego State.  

Look at this nonsense. 

the one time we want something waterski related to have been exportable to a pdf we had to call nasa and your creepy uncle to help with formating

Miami of Ohio.  Lol, more like, MADRID OF VERMONT.  BURN.  EAT IT MIAMI

Anyways!  So as you may have surmised, the Louisiana conglomerate of waterski decadence took first and second place, lets see what fresh faced new coming to the scene is taking that third spot.  Certainly hope its not a school that has been dominant in other sports and/or we are really tired of seeing and/or talking about. 

CMON!!!!

Roll Tide...Roll ripples if your lucky, makes for better skiing anyway. 

If you are a huge nerd and want to look at all the scores and the just OH SO MANY NUMBERS, click this link and experience math utopia.   LINK IT GOOD

If you look close and look good while doing it, you will see that alot people skied and a smaller percentage of those skiied well and then a very select few skiied very well.  By happenstance, a variety of those people happened to go to the same school and were therefor on the same team and then when they tallied it all up you see the results on your computer screen and that does in fact corobarate what we have been saying all along that it was: 

1) ULL the RAGIN CAJUNS

2) ULM the WARHAWKS

3) ALABAMA the FOREST GUMPS

4) FLORIDA SOUTHERN the MOCCASINS

5) ASU the FIGHTING BEER BONGS

Over on the D2 side of things, you will notice a distinctly more northern vibe to the competitors:

OH HELL YEAH, LAX BRO 

YO THAT SLALOM RUN WAS FIRE ON GOD SON!

UW - La Crosse is in Wisconsin, which is north, Ohio State is north, Nebraska is spiritually north, Purdue is north and southern Illinois, despite is saying southern is actually northern!  

Then Michigan State and Western Washington are both north, but, then look what we have here!

Auburn and Texas.  

SEC ASS D2 SKIER ASS SOUTHERN ASS

Again if you really want to dig into the numbers, here is the link to the scorebook, SCORE, because of course you would come to the CRB for collegiate nationals breakdowns because we haven't done anything of the sort since like 2015. 

But, there is an interesting aspect, that we are curious about, and will dig into the numbers later on for a different post****.  

It does look like the southern ish teams have an edge in the jump department and the northern teams were a little stronger in the trick and slalom. 

Our guess simply would be that there is SO MUCH timing involved with jumping and actual access to a jump in the northern climates is maybe more limited.  With winter and snow and ice BUT MAYBE NOT WITH GLOBAL WARMING! AMIRITE! 

   

Be full send jumping on the god dang Mississippi river in early February if we actually do this climate change thing right!  Roll some damn coal and start using aerosols again!!!  

USA USA

Maybe next year you northern schools could do like, a semester abroad at Bennetts ski school or something and maybe tighten up on your jump skills and make those entitled bastards in Louisiana quake in their boots for once!

* - no drones, no scouting, just straight up peepin on the hotties*****

** - this is correct and accurate and please do not go to the usa waterski archives

*** - lmao, Arizona is actually not at all Louisiana adjacent, turns out its a few states away

**** - lmfao, this will probably not happen

***** - j/k, straight up scouting

Counter point - Its super nice out

 

oh sure, you were cold a few months ago, idiot, but, it was crazy nice out today. 

it is a presidential election season which of course means, 90 80 million commercials and ads on you tube and so forth.  its exhausting.  and your supposed to have an opinion about it, or get into a debate with people. 

nah.  no thanks

Thats just to much for these last few years. 

But, if someone were to run for president on san diego weather as their platform.  guess who is voting for them. 

THE CRB. 

75 day time.  55 night time. 

You promise us that, we vote.

my prez.  enjoy.  get a cocktail.  

Its to Dang Cold!

Enjoy this weather you hot piece of ass!

Dispatch from the CRB weather desk

Guess what???  ITS COLDER THEN A WELL DIGGERS ASS OUT THERE KIDS! STAY INSIDE

The CRB north team, currently doing deep vain thrombosis research in our corporate offices in the mid-west relayed to the operations team recently that its way to cold to go outside and take the core samples necessary.

They know we are in a time crunch, as you can imagine these days, with the nature of the research being done, but, they were insistent that its to cold and would actually further slow down / harm what we have worked so long for. 

This was submitted as proof. 

and to that we say

We have advised the team to hunker down and we will send fresh supplies to keep the team upbeat and ready to go when the weather gets better.  a crate of cheeze-its and 100 miller high lifes have been loaded and shipped. 

Unfortunately, not everyone has access to the level of accommodations and nutrition that the CRB team does, but, true to the American spirit, we have seen the ways in which many have decided to keep warm.

Go Birds

This is smart, economical and actually better for the environment then recycling.  Many people dont know this, but, the chemical reaction that comes from dumpster paint and fire create a polymorphic atmosphere around the dumpster that creates 2-times the amount of oxygen then a tree does in an entire year. 

the lake association named a new lead musky 

Another smart way to keep warm, while also avoiding the pesky questions that come from the insurance company as to why you have a wood burning stove in your boat. 

this way, just lighting your boat on fire while napping in the cabin keep you nice and toasty (typical fires are about 75-80 degrees) and perfectly safe, for as we all know fires dont go inside, they are like vampires that way, in which they need to be invited indoors. 

let me kneel next to your fiaaaa

Here we see a finance bro reduced to setting fire to his/her musical instruments just to keep warm.  Its been quite a fall for the finance bro subsection of the greater finance brother/sister gaggle that yearly retreats to the bohemian grove in california to take 75 pellets of mescaline and go swimming. 

/cypress hill intensifies

Scientists from all over the world are still stunned after seeing pictures of this heating hack.  This is for SURE the one your power company doesn't want you to know about.  You simply heat up this geothermic contraption and it keep you warm for at least an hour.  All you need is a simple lighter and the contraption, easily obtainable from your kids bedroom and/or the place down the street that also has the dildos.