Aug 18, 2017

Malibu Open Moves To Trophy Lakes



Earlier this week, word started to leak out that the Malibu Open, the only real big 3-event tournament, and/or non-show ski tournament held in the mid-west, was cancelled because of an algae bloom in the little lake in downtown milwaukee that it was held.

 This sucks for those of us who really like big time waterski tournaments held in more public locations. If you are one of those who prefer a private location with no public interest, then...well, the rest of this isn't for you.

But, before we get to far, lets take a quick look at the beauty that is the Malibu Open.

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Do you see that?  Thats profesional level skiing in a downtown location!  In a major city!

Why is this important??  Why should this matter to all of us???

Because the Malibu Open has been held at Veterans Park in down town Milwaukee for like 8 years, and when done right, rivals the LA Night Jam for sheer beauty of skiing set against a back drop.

"Oh, but, CRB, you should see when people ski at my uncles farm if noonegivesashit, Utah" - idiot person.

Let us retort.

Guess who wasn't watching.

People.

Regular people.

People that don't have an access point to our sport.

People that don't understand what Ryan Dodd just did is incredible.   But NO ONE WAS THERE TO SEE IT!

Now, lets be honest here, most of media consumption nowdays is not in person, its via computers or phones and what not, and that isn't something that should suprise us or make us feel weird.  Thats a big time thing for all sports.  We are never going to go in person and watch a swim meet, but, will watch online.

We will nev....just kidding, we totally will go watch beach volleyball, because under the lights, with beers in hand and hot bodies in sand...well, life isn't so bad bub.

This is what our sport has.  In spades.  Lets be real, have you seen any of the CRB staff in person on the water?  Shoot, you would be trying to get pregnant or receive impregnation if you did*

*note: 1/2 our office is out on maternaty leave.  so, please stop.

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One of the biggest things we have yakked about on the CRB since its inception in 1992, was getting our sport in front of people, let people see how awesome our people are.  In whatever aspect it is, wakeboarding, cock skiing, show skiing, kneeboarding...Whatever!

Which is why, as much as we love this site, this hurts a little.



Trophy Lakes is awesome and we know people that worked, skied, lived, maybe had sex there??

WHO KNOWS!

Dongs do what dongs do, yo.

But, this isn't in a downtown location, in a big-ish city where people can randomly walk by and watch the best skiers we have to offer.  Its not some sort of death-nell, but, damnit, this is one of those things that really gives us hope for our sport and the future.

A hundred years ago, there was a pro tournament in Altomonte Springs, Florida.  Kinda near a Perfomance ski and surf.  We bought a hat there once.  And a pair of jumpers....broke one of them and lost the other.  You decide which*

*jumpers broke.  hat lost.  probably still at sunset lakes.  damn irish.

Excuse me???

Nothing! Never mind!!

But, that was our first experiance with big time skiing in a big time location!  Serious, we saw Carl Roberge jump like...right around 200 if we remember right, it was mind fucking blowing to see that as a little 8 year old girl* in 1996.

*?? who knows

The important part to us, at least, is getting our sport into a public realm, which is why we liked the Malibu in Milwaukee so much.  There is no perfect site in our sport that melds public availability and design for the skiers that we are aware of.

There is always a percentage of give or take on either side, but, to us, this site seemed to be as close as you could get...at least in the US.

We have never been to the Moomba, so, maybe that is better, but, record setting ski runs on a private lake that you don't hear about until someone puts it on twitter a day latter....ehhh....that doesn't seem to have the same juice.


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Look at that!  That site!!!  That location!!!

This is not meant to be a doom-boner post (trademark: CRB) about the strength of our sport, more a love letter to this particular tournament and the hope that it doesn't leave this location next year.  We are aware of logistical and financial matters that are associated with this tournament, just as we are aware of logistical and financial matters associated with your mom*

*BURN!

Big time skiing done right in front of people who may not even know what it is, is the fresh blood the oxygen mask that helps us out.  It gives people an access point into the sport, maybe they leave not even caring about anything other then, "damn, that was kinda fun and wow my herpes is acting up", but, at least the first part of the sentence was cool.

As we were driving up to the Malibu this week in the chevette, we were discussing which strain of weed is the best for keeping your anxiety at bay and helping your sex drive.

But, wait.  shit.  what?  Wish there was a delete button on the CRBomputer.

Anyways, we were talking about, ways to bring...not even the sport as much, as the personalities behind our sport to the poeple.  Something we have been talking about in that god damn chevette for 15 years.

And it really comes down to, getting our athletes out in front of poeple that have no idea what this is, and, for that matter, out in front of poeple that DO know what this is.

But, we have to give them access to it, and damnit, losing this year in Milwaukee hurts and we hope that they come back next year harder and stronger then before.

Our sport needs it, lets get us out into the people, into the unknowing public and if done right, they will realize how dope our shit is, its not bit sizable like the NFL or MLB, its a event...but, we've been to events that are produced well and water skiing in any form, when done right production wise, can be a draw that we can, right now, only dream about.

Jul 15, 2017

Hey Man, Whats Up?


yooooooooooooo!!!!!, ive been out here for years.  eating berries and shit.  do you have any idea how long i have been alone?  covering these woods looking for food?

i can barely use capital letters. 

shoot, when i saw you driving down the river...i just got a huge skate boner bro.  

sorry to wreck your chill sesh. 

christ, you should see my pubes.  its like a jewish holiday down there.  

people be hanging lights and what not 

oh, thats not..whatever brah.  you got ta try this dank.  your ass will be low iq for hours.  its amazing.  
oh. my. god, you have cheez its in there?  lemme get a taste...ive been killing and eating wild life for like i dont know, 9 years,  just to get by, its some into the wild type life stuff going on brah

you ever had fried bird.  its rank but gets you feelings brah. 

what?

yeah.  

watch out for that log my dude.  

no, i didn't mean it that way, cmon man, ive been out in the wild for so long, i dont even know

yeah no, just keep driving dude.  

yeah like, another little bit . 

yeah. 

brah

im bout to go eat that deer alive brah, i gots to get that protein. 

bro. 

jeah. 

oh dang, there is my moms...nvm.  im good son.  thanks for the wave.  quit warehousing the beer bro, gimme one of them.  dont be a hater.  

aight, later 


Jun 1, 2017

The Masters Recap Vid

Marcus Brown dropped another really good vid, love the stuff he does! This is his Masters recap.

Mar 8, 2017

The Best We Have Ever Skiied

After we posted the obnoxiously depressing post about being bad at skiing we were sitting around thinking about the exact opposite, the singular best moment we have ever had skiing.

Is that your mom down there?

The best is not a term that can be ascribed to a specific occasion, or result...it can simply be the best feeling, the best moment, the culmination of work, it can be 69'ing on a saucer.

Its really in the eye of the beholder.

So to speak.

If you were to thinking about it, say an Olympic figure skaters best performance was their gold medal skating routine, but, in their eyes, it could not be.  Maybe the most symbolic, but, not their best.  That could have been in a training round, in practice, etc.

Or think of it from your waterski perspective, you winning a tournament, or setting a record or whatever, its something big, but, is that the best you have skied?

So, we talking about it around the CRB office, and most of us came up with times that no one else had seen, or would even recognize as "the best"

When we were younger, we skied on a show ski team in a state that has a show ski team, and in and area that has boats and green grass and weed.

There were three times that we felt that we were at our best.

Quickly, here are the three times.

1) in a ski show, the boat was turning around, we were prepared to do our act in front of the people at the site, and we remember looking ahead and seeing all the people and realizing that this is awesome, and this is really fun and we (ourselves and the rest of the people with us) were totally in control and confident and ready to really do a good job.

And in truth, it was that good.  But the feeling coming in completely confident in everything was awesome.

2) Same ski show, we practiced the show once at a location, and it was bad.  So, we contacted some friends who had a different site and they said we could ski there for a 1/2 hour, and we were all angry with our performance and wanted to try it again.  And we were able to run through our trick jump act perfectly, it only took one try and it was as if we all got our heads out of our ass and did what needed to be done.

There was no one there to see it, but, the team vibe and the effort put forth was one of the best.

3) Finally, the best individual skiing we have ever done was at a 3-event tournament a 100 years ago, we had a sweet Kidder Redline slalom ski and, while it was a few years old, was still a better ski then we could properly ski.

Until that day, maybe it was the girls that were watching, or just the site or whatever, but, that poor ski couldn't keep up.  The feeling of being 100% in touch with your slalom ski, knowing that each move you do with your body provides a equal result on the water is phenomenal.

No idea what line length we were at when we fell, it wasn't some record breaking thing, maybe 21 off?  28?  Not sure, but, the lake we were on was just about as wide as the slalom course, we ended up skipping out at the three ball and ended up on the beach.

But, the result was irrelevant, it was the best feeling we have ever had on a ski ever, most confident, it was something that someone who doesn't ski or even compete in sports wouldn't know.  That absolute belief in yourself and your ability.  Whatever level that is.

The peak of your perfection may not mean anything to anyone else, but, it does to you and you should always be proud of that.  Thats why we do what we do, aiming to be better.

Sure, the next best moment may not be as great as what we did, or maybe better.  But, its the best that it is NOW!

Live that life!




Mar 3, 2017

Remember When You Sucked At Skiing?

We do!

It was 20 years ago, also, 5 hours ago.

We suck at skiing now.  And it blows.

We have real jobs now and can't ski all the time, we have to support the family and it sucks, we have bills to pay and, while that is a self-inflicted wound, it still sucks.

Im Moist baby, hit me. 

Lets take a trip down memory lane, and this doesn't apply to the 1% of people that can make money from skiing and not have to worry, but the rest of us.  The ones that, at one point in our lives, were able to ski for fun, and now...

When we were younger and middle age was some bullshit that other people went through, skiing was simply the means to an end, we skied, we competed, we had fun and that was all there was to it.  There was no end result that we aimed for.

Close your eyes and remember.

You know you do.

Waking up early in the morning, you met your friends for an early morning set.  The water was always calm, it wasn't always warm, but, water was calm.

You could see some people driving to work, probably looking at the lake as they drove by and being jealous of you.

But, you had something to prove.

You shook off the rust from the night before, strapped on your gear, and got ready.

HIT IT.

Off the dock you go, looking back over your shoulder at the jump.  Thinking about what you had to work on, distance?  well, that was part of it, but, you know you needed to move your jump set down a little, would it freak you out?  Maybe!

But this is why you are here.  Get it.

Hit that mother fucker, don't be scared.  Lets do this.

Boat turns around, you ski past the bar thats right there on your left as you go by...first jump, lets take it kinda easy, you ease out on a nice 3/4 cut...

Timing, timing, timing,

You start to go towards the ramp, SHIT WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE, GO GO GO.

RAHHHHH.

early.

God damnit...

PASS.

You idiot, you know this, you are always early.

Shit shit shit, water is cold....sink sink sink sink.

Brrrrrrrrr.

Shit, ok, first one is out of the way.

Your buddy behind the wheel as they get back to you, "what the fuck pussy?"

"yeah, we know shut up"

Boat picks you up, you restart the process, easy dude.  You were early, you can do it, nice and easy, edge into the ramp with acceleration, be aggressive but calm.  Come on, you can do this.

This is us leaving your moms bedroom

Pass the bar, here is the buoy, lets go, nice and easy...

Cut out, easy 3/4 again, lets get our legs under us, calm, calm, deep breath.

Cut, cut, cut harder, ok GET IT NOW,

RAHHHH,

Clack, Thwick, Fly!

Land.

Look behind you.  Gauge your distance.

SHIT!

You bitch, ohhh, now we are pissed.  That was bullshit, you know you can push that down, you were early again, that was horse shit.

Calm your self right now, don't be do aggressive, you got this.  DEEP BREATH.  Rope between your legs...calm.

You got this shit son.  You think your friends are going to let you forget this...cmon, get real, crush that ramp, its yours, you got it.

Ok, boat is turning now, clear your mind, get your mind right, let kill this one.

Pass the bar, coasting in the left curl of the boat wake...

buoy goes buy, hard on left ski out to the right of the boat, accelerate.......swing wide....decelerate, sink, progressive cut, hands down, hard on the right ski....

GO....

RAHHHHH

BOOOOOOOM

Flight!!

There it is, that felt good.

/pats head

Take me back, that was is, that felt good.  Thats something to work on.  Ok, get this wetsuit off, my turn to drive.  We got 45 minutes then got to be at work, SHIT that felt good.  Going to kill that fucker tomorrow.

Back to reality.

Here we are now, with that life in the rear view mirror and how much does that suck!!

You aren't working summer jobs anymore, your at your house being miserable watching the last episode of the fucking blindspot and worrying about your next work day and that your boss isn't going to be mad about your last prospective client report.

The feeling of a free mind and simply getting your buddies together to ski, and then go to work, which you didn't give a shit about, because you always had the boat and your skis as your back up plan.

You were going to be Sammy Duvall, or Carl Roberge, and now you are just trying not to be fucking James Sampson the ass kissing piece of shit from the west side office location.

This is bullshit, but it is the reality.

Every one has this problem in their life, any organized sport, hell, any thing at all always ultimately is a bullshit hassle at the end of the day.  No one who played football has a happy ending unless you are the best of all time, and even then, your best days are behind you at, AT BEST, 40 years old.

40? Shit, I am 18 and have a retirement plant and 4 kids.  Ill be dead in 8 years.
But, waterskiing has to be the most heartbreaking, because if you are any good, you are always this close to being a legend.

But, you won't be.

A number of years ago we skied at Travers Ski School and the dang coaches at the time, the people who just drove our janky ass's around were the upper 5% of all skiers.

Oh, hey! Thanks for helping me get to 100 foot jump buddy, now I am going to drink a beer and watch you crank a 210 footer out there and never hear your name again ever.

Shit it brutal, there are only so many Nate Smiffs, Reginas, Dodds, Freddys, Martins, etc, that are good enough to make dent...

But, here is the truth, while its fun to watch them, they have no bearing on us at all...because, we can/would never be them.  They are the freaks, they are the NFL players, of the waterski world.  We have no chance of ever being in the same discussion with them, so we ignore it.

We have our local tournament to worry about, we heard that this person was able to score ramp time from a local college team and they are in the 120's and Damnit!  We want that trophy!!

Thats the pull of skiing.  The pull of competitive skiing, we aren't aiming for the super bowl, we are aiming for our little slice of the pie, and its fine that any number of people could actually walk in and slice us up.

But in our little moment we are gods, god damnit.

And then we actually ski, and we suck.  Because life is a never ending bastard and we aren't good anymore.  

But, shit, we want to be.  And that simple thing will drive us until we are dead.  We are going to try and be better then you, and better then we were yesterday.

Feb 21, 2017

Lt. Daniels Adjusts To Life In 2017



Take a breath Lt. Daniels, it may not make sense to you right now, but, thats ok.

Every generation has this, people explore themselves, their relationship with their fellow human, redefine ones assumptions of gender identity.

Besides, a Trebuchet is a pretty cool type of catapult, imagine hooking up with one of those at a ski tournament.

Someone is pregnant.

Just not sure whom

Lets All Get Epilepsy!


This is Echoes, a 30 ish minute immersion into awesome from Pink Floyd.  This particular version is from David Gilmore in 2008 from his Live In Gdansk concert.

In case you were wondering how Gdansk is pronounced, its simple.

Gdansk = Jaquess

David Gilmore, live in Jaquess.

Boosh.  Make it full screen.  Smoke some weed.

You will die soon.

Feb 16, 2017

Holy Moly - Get This Kid On A Show Ski Team

"For every back-flip you get a cookie" | Kid: 

Look at this! My lord, and he sticks the landing! Amazing.

Strap some 68 inch jumpers on that kid, point him toward a ramp.

 Sit back and collect your 500 point show ski act.

 Legend in the making

Feb 14, 2017

CRB Valentines Help: 2017

Oh baby, you got me a bong?!
Most people view this day as a day in which to celebrate those close to them, a way in which to shed the nonsense of day to day life and refocus on their loved ones, a day devoted to them...its lovely and we at the CRB are here to help.

Because, lets be honest, 90% of people about 50% of the time turn to the crb 25% of the time for 5% of their love live needs.

If you are a math person that equals like 170% of people, so, good luck with your e-harmonize and your tinder and your healthy relationships.  We are here to offer you the proper V-Day syllabus.
  1. Get something that comes from the ground that is colorful.
    1. Weed is a good start, its mostly legal and removes inhibitions
    2. edibles are also nice.  a ginger bread cookie or mushrooms are never not a thing that you could do.
    3. Flowers sure, why not.  Get the expensive ones, roses are nonsense, but, get ones that smell good. Trust us.  We are divorced
  2. Long car. 
    1. don't be an idiot, spring for a limo.  be it a Lincoln or a hummer or a, whatever, ford.  
    2. If that is not realistic, at least, leave your car just like it is normally..because nothing says love like, "here, wait, let me get these empty water bottles off my seat quick...also, ignore the court ordered summons and black tar heroin on the floor mats"
  3. Remember this day isn't about you
    1. And its not about your other 1/2.  its about mass consumerism and light bondage 
      1. also: banging.
  4. flowers aren't bad.
  5. Oreo cookies are not wise.
  6. Chicken Noodle Soup is messy, and really a bad choice for bed time playtime.  Your sheets are damp as hell now you idiot.
  7. Good lord, don't take advice from this website. Only two things would happen
    1. Instant pregnancy
    2. Taco bell Drive through. 



Both of those are bad!!!  Kids and mass-constructed tacos are bad for your financially and health wise!!!

So, what do we do?

Go to a restaurant, order two cobb salads, (heavy on the ham and green peppers) and 3 bottles of wine.  

Then fall asleep on the couch watching house on netflix. 

Thats it.  Don't over think it.  oh...get a slice of apple pie and use that in the bed room.  Its never not a bad idea.  Serious, you will have triplets in 2 months if you do this.  Why?  

Because this is America still.  Isn't it?

If you are lucky enough to have someone that can deal with your shit on a daily basis and you are happy with them, or at least not homicidal, then you are on to something.

That is a step up from some. We have been murdered two or three times at least this year alone. Thats always a bad thing. The dry cleaning bills alone make it not worth your own death after 2 of them.


There, now you have all you need to know to make this valentines day perfect.

Also, tip for the professionals out there.  Flavor blasted gold fish always set a romantic mood.

Eat a couple of those and

/takes off pants

/slips and falls out of the window (somehow)

/gets run over by a garbage truck

AGAIN????

CRB Reviews Tow Vehicles - 2017 Chevy Silverado

Often times we are queried from the waterski community on our opinion on various waterski related topics, from nutrition, to equipment, to health, to drugs, to cold cuts...it runs the gamut.  

One of the more interesting questions that we receive at CRB HQ is what is the best vehicle to tow your boat.  In this and on-going posts, we will discuss and grade the various offerings out in the marketplace for how well they tow boats.


CRB REVIEWS TOW VEHICLE: 2017 Chevrolet Silverado

You can't afford me

Initial Thoughts: 

This truck looks tough as hell.  Pick ups have seem to be like someone in their late teens, can't quite decide what look they want to go for.  Changing dramatically every couple of years.  You tell someone you have a Silverado and they probably think of the early 2000's version or maybe the square headlamps version from around 08 and on.

Never the less, its a good looking rig

The new apps are bonkers

Comfort:


It has alot of tech stuff going on, cameras and bluetooth and buttons to push that you aren't always sure what they do.  Sometimes music plays, sometimes a small dildo comes out of the glove box.

How did you know Sheila was so in need Chevy???

Some trucks now have things that help with the brakes of the trailer, but, our biggest beef and maybe its changed is, that, we wish there was a way for the back up camera to point straight down at the hitch so when loading up the trailer, you could be really accurate.



Also the seats are pretty good, we guess, and at least the CRB truck the center console part flips up so you can have a sort of bench seat up front for either having sex or getting extra day laborers in for your landscape job.


but, mostly the sex part.

Pro tip:  Do this while driving on the highway!  Blueberry flavored orgasms y'all.

See this plow?  Curious?  Ask your mum.


Power:

It has a big ass engine, so hauling a boat around is really not a problem.  And probably gets ok mileage.  If you don't have a heavy foot.

Pansy.

There is crazy technology now, so, it has like, we don't know, 400 horsepower and enough torque to pull your house 3 feet to the west so your bitch ass neighbor quits complaining their property line and how your house and/or your slip and slide quite encroaching on their land.

God, our neighbor is a whiner.

Dude, just because your family life is in ruins because you can't perform is by no means a reason to not return our damn lawn mower and cat.

Didn't use their blinker. 


Behind the Wheel: 

Pretty darn good.  Its powerful, drives pretty nice.  Not a sports car, but, doesn't trip over its own dick.  Serious thought, we would really like our cat back.  That isn't something that even makes sense in the terms of the unspoken agreement that neighbors have.

Its one thing to forget about an inanimate object, like a lawn mower.

Even thought is a riding god damn lawn mower,  not something that gets lost in the garage.

But, you have our cat.  You have to like, feed it and clean the litter box.

Your doing that right?  Jesus Doug, you aren't just letting Meow Zedong just poop wherever are you?  C'mon man!  Have some dignity!!!

Serious though, if this is something you need to talk about, 90% of the CRB is on the deck in the evening grilling up meats and drinking beers most nights, just come by and we can help.  Samantha in A/R has been through some things in her life and would be happy to help out.  She has a degree in something from a place we hadn't heard of.  But, she berated us for our lack of snacks in our waiting room, so she was hired with extreme prejudice, and with a healthy raise after 1 day.

Quit eating so much corn Doug


Final Thoughts:

What we are saying dude, is that, if you need some help with things, its ok.  We all go through that, its nothing to be embarrassed about.  Life is not something that one can go through alone without at least having someone to bounce things off of.  Otherwise you end up wearing chaps and a clown nose and doing hand stands in your back yard for beggars quarters.

At least that is what we have heard.

Shut up.  It was a phase.

So for real, every thursday at CRB homefront, we make ribs and only drink either fruitopia w/ vodka or fireball with tabasco and mellow yellow.

We don't know either, its really bad and dumb.  But, fun!!

Come by, no questions asked.  Other then where the hell is our cat and mower.  And yo, we make hella ribs.  Not the bullshit short ribs either, the meaty ass ones that come from the shoulder area.  They are worth it, the smoker goes for like 12 hours, various brisquites and ribs, covered in the CRBsauce.  Which is mainly water, ketchup, jalepenos, salt, pepper, and grape jelly.

Come on by Doug, we are worried about you.

On second thought, we will just come over.  This is becoming something more then we can bare.

Oh, and the truck is fine.  Its floating in the pool.  Yolo Son.

No doug, that is not YOLO

CRB Cooking School: Coffee

Beans are spilled
Item: Coffee

Description: A typical morning beverage for people who stay up to late at night writting silly blog posts on a waterski based website that they haven't figured out a way to monitize yet.  Maybe?

Why?: General laziness mainly, as we offended the google ad people by having nudity on the site a few years ago so that didn't work, and from there we aren't sure what to do, despite like, hundreds of thousands of salary going to our unpaid interns.  College, haha, right?

OH! Why coffee, because its A) a morning drink that helps you wake up and B) a nice routine based item to help us live out the rest of our days with a sense of calm instead of shrieking dispair.

What do you need?  Coffee beans.  Duh.  and a coffee maker, and depending on the state of your beans, also a grinder.

So, in order

1) Aquire beans.  Go to the store, either a grocery store or your local coffee shop and acquire beans.

Some people get all huffy of what kind of beans, its like the beer snobs, its whatever you like.  There are heavy type coffee and light type...ask the person working there for help.  Thats what they do!  But as a general rule of thumb - - darker, heavier coffees are for people who have a wider palate of tastes, where as, lighter coffee tends to be for people who like sea food and think pepper is to spicy for their chicken wings*

2) Have coffee maker.  This is an apparatus that puts hot water through ground beans and a filter into a big glass jug.  Which you then pour from into a smaller jug.  Then goes into your face.

3) Coffee grinder: If you have beans that are un-ground.  Get one of these, you get them at a store.  Its a thing that grinds beans into a powder.  Like your cocaine.  The CRB Grinder is in the floor behind the shelf because someone got drunk and knocked it onto the ground.

Because apathy.  Its pathetic.  Also, it was me.  and I wasn't drunk.  And it wasn't on the ground.  It was on a different shelf that I forgot about.  Also, I don't own one. So the other shelf was the one at the store.  Which I don't go to.  Whatever, they cost like 5 dollars.  Get two of them.  one for coffee and one for achiote paste.  Thats something we will tackle at a later cooking school.  Its used for pork mostly.  Its really good and has nothing to do with coffee.

How do you make it?  Its really pretty easy.

You simply get a filter and put it in the tray thing in the coffee maker.  Which, yes, you should also get filters.  They are located at the store by the coffee and grinders, and also, like, one row away from condoms, which you don't need.

Put the filter in the thing.  Fill the other thing with water.  The other thing is the part behind the part where the filter is, its the part that looks like it could fit a bunch of water.

Put like.  Maybe...2 1/2 table spoons of ground coffee into the filter contraption.  Something like that.  We screw it up always.  But you can always add bourbon.  Which, when mixed in coffee in the morning, isn't a cry for help, its a sign of sophistication.

And also a way to drive to work better.

Then you turn the machine on.  Wait about 30 seconds before cussing at the thing because it is taking so freaking long to put the water from the contraption that holds water into the glass contraption in the front that also holds water.

Tell the damn thing to go to hell or eat a dick or whatever and then walk out of the room and onto the porch to get a beer out of the cooler you left open from the night before, because you aren't responsible and forgot to bring in the cheez-its and cold cuts.

Drink that quickly, its 7:30 in the AM you danged fiend!!!!

Then, go take a shower.  With your beer.  Actually, you should grab another.  Because shower beers are great.  Enjoy yourself.  Life is short.  Have fun.  The hell with them if they can't take a joke.

Drink your beers in the shower.  Sing along to the kings of leon song that came on, dang that was a good concert.


Oh, god damn it, they are playing the red hot chile peppers,

Should have got the bluetooth speaker thing your ex-girlfriend mentioned.  Then you could listen to your own music and not this garbage.  Shut up Samantha!  Im glad your gone.  No, my face is wet from the shower.  Its not a tear.  Your beef stroganoff sucks.

I didn't mean that.  Come back.

ugh...slam your beer and turn off the radio, they are garbage.  Dry off, put on your clothes, throw the empties into the trash and go down stairs.

At this point, 4 ounces of coffee should be ready to go.

Pour that, whoop!  Side note.

Pouring: that means holding the coffee receptacle in one and and a smaller receptacle in the other and transferring liquids.  Most people do this without to much trouble.

Ok, we are now at the critical juncture.

Getting that fluid into your face.

Its hot, right?  So what we do is this....

PRO TIP: put an ice cube into your cup...the receptacle, to get rid of some of the aforementioned heat.

Thats it!!!!

You have now made coffee.  And if your doing it right, you have a slight buzz going.  Your day is going to be so damn good.

Now What?: Get in your car and drive to work.  Make that money kid.  You have to do this for the next 40 years and then die.

You will be fine.  life is not linear.  Its a winding road to absolution



* complete bullshit


Buy Some Jump Skis - Ignore Your Dumb Knees

You know you want to ride me


Remember what it was like to feel?

Its been muted recently by all the time spent in the bars,

You're now second rate compared to your contemporaries,

Its time to stand up and be the aggressor. 


Time for you to make your life ideal,

To watch the zombies go by in their cars,

It doesn't matter, its time to be extemporary,

Put everything aside, there is no time to be clever,


Bones heal,

Chicks dig scars,

Pain is temporary,

Glory is forever. 


Jumpers are only $1,650, its quite a deal,

Available in 68 inches, not the ones that take you to mars,

Its a bit of cash, but the deal is quite extraordinary,

The hell with it, your knees won't last forever


Liquor in the front,

Poker in the rear,

If you can't run with the big dogs,

Get off the porch


*fin*



LINKS:
Performance Ski and Surf - not an ad, serious.  was shopping for skis

Feb 13, 2017

Omar Just Wants You To Be Safe


This is important, lets take a moment to thank Omar for making sure we are safe when we are out on the boat.

An extra ounce of caution could potentially save your life.

So, thank you Omar. Get some Honey Nut Cheerios in ya.

Feb 12, 2017

GET UP AND GET RAGE!!!


OH MY GOD!  GO!

RAGE!!!

DO SOME PUSH UPS!  DRINK A BLOODY MARY!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHH

/trips and falls down stairs

DAMNIT!

Feb 11, 2017

Our Sport Is Amazing


Look at this picture.

LOOK AT IT.

How cool is this?  It may mean nothing to you, you don't even have to know who this is.  We don't.  But, man, is that a great picture.

She has fire on her legs!!!

She is smiling!!

Our stupid sport is so amazing.

Also, she is so much more in shape then we ever even hope to be its sick.

Feb 9, 2017

Have You Tried Mint Chip Ice Cream?

Holy shit you guys, have you ever tried mint chip ice cream?  Its amazing!

We went to the local ice cream shop here in crburbia, and while we were told to exercise
caution, once our eyes laid eyes upon that amazing display of green and black, yo, there was no coming back.


good luck with your off-season diet, you bitch
We asked for a sample and oh my god....

mint chip got in your pants
So, it was confusing at first, because we have never thought about a different flavor of ice cream like that.

But, you know, if the opportunity ever presented itself that way...you know...its the year 2017, who are we to turn down an offer, right?

Its one of those things that is hard to bring up to your family, "hey, we am not sure if we are sold on ice cream sundaes, we sort of think, you know, that maybe we want to explore...you know..."

And that is when our dad flipped over the table and screamed..

"IF YOU THINK THAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN VANILLA ICE CREAM, WELL, THIS IS MAYBE NOT THE HOUSE YOU SHOULD BE LIVING IN!"

This was hard to hear, because, different flavors of ice cream shouldn't really cause that much of rift within the household.

But, long standing traditions be that as they may.

It is 2017, people may like different kinds of ice cream.

Feb 8, 2017

Omar is Helpful

Stringer Bell: "I am pretty excited to go out on the water today, I have been working on my whirlybirds.  Plus, I think I am going to bring along the big box of cheez-its, some cold cuts and a case of natty ice.  Hey Omar? Where should I put all this stuff??"

Omar:



Stringer: "Thanks buddy! Wallace should be here shortly to be the third!"




Feb 7, 2017

Feb 6, 2017

Do You Even Know How To Orange?


Are you trying to put the orange back together?   or take it apart?

either way your doing it wrong.

CRBailbag. Vol. 1

My balls are starting to float

Over the 10 years or so CRB has been alive, we have received tons of emails asking us questions, from who we are, to how to waterski, to how to talk to the opposite sex...and from there you can only imagine.  In our first edition of CRBailbag, we will attempt to answer some of those questions. 

Jacob from Sacramento
Who are you, what do you do, and how are you so god damn great all the time?
Great question Jacob, and you should feel really special because you are the first email we will have ever answered on the website.  In fact, in our board meeting we have often times debated doing a segment like this, and well, its never been received well from the board members.

That being said. Allow us to answer this question point by point.

1) Who are we?  we are a collective of the best and brightest minds in the entire world of water based sports.  Every day we get together at the CRB HQ, which has the security like you can't imagine.  Suffice to say, all of our anus's and the security guards know each other well. Matter of fact, Spence, our head guard, was able to both A) detect one of our staffers colon cancer and B) also find their G spot.

2) What do we do? Control the entire world of all water based sports. That sounds like something pretty big, but, really it is.  we have as many as two or three computers.  Its amazing, each of them have their own aol log in disc.

hold on.

I am being reminded that CRB Classic is no longer functional and I should get out of my hyperbaric chamber.

Right, there are servers and like, hella computers all over.  Anyways, what?  We don't know, its a talent.

3) How are we so good all the time?

Skills baby.

Stephanie from Springfield

I can never seem to land my off-side, or reverse wake-o.  It feels like my balance always gets shifted in-correctly and I catch my front edge.  Has this happened to you and what can I do to fix it?
Thanks for the email Stephanie, first of all. No, that doesn't happen to us.  As we aren't garbage on a trick ski.  We trained for years with the ninja master him self.  Nicolas Leforest.  Remember the scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thermos has to punch though a piece of wood with her fingers?

Yeah, thats how Nikolas LaForester trains you.  You don't succeed ever, you only don't suck less.

This is the mind-set that you need to learn, its not your fault that you can't land that trick. Its your fault that your mind isn't strong enough to not allow yourself to succeed.

Make sense?

But, to ease your sense of burden, we went to our own in-house expert for their opinion and this is what they said.

Expert - "Whats the question?"
CRB - "Read Above"
Expert - "oh, duh, just don't land with that part of your ski in the water"
CRB - "yeah, thanks"
Expert - /eats plate of cheez-its and cold cuts

Ericka from Orlando
I want to be on my college's ski team, but, I am not that good, i get weird around the other people on the team...and their friends, who are good.  Again, i am not good.  I want to be a part of this, but, I am not sure if I am welcome.
Here is the thing Ericka, waterski people are not a judgemental type.  They can be stand off-ish, but, they sure as heck aren't judgmental. Now, of course, through the course of your life you are going to run into people that are that way.  And that is ok, they are shit anyways, however, you can't judge in that moment.  maybe they are talking to their friends, maybe they are in a similar situation as you...people can't be judged in the moment.  It may feel weird, but its true.  Your good friend may look like an ass if you run into them at a certain moment.

Here is the deal, 95% of waterski people are the best people you will ever meet.  But allow them that 5% buffer.

Besides, its worth your effort, because, you will have friends for life.

Zoe from Sedona

Hey, we hooked up a few years ago, and now we have a kid, what the hell?
lol, pranksters.

All thought that may explain the additional item on the crb payroll.

Did you work at the airport bar?  because if you did, then, hell yeah we are on board for child support or at least waterski lessons.  If not, pretty sure one of our coolers is full of cold cuts and hamms beer.

Either way, I think we are married now. So, jokes on you.


Feb 3, 2017

Coaches Corner - Spotting

CRB COACHES CORNER:
This is a subsection of CRB where we tackle the various aspects of waterskiing and help you, the reader, figure out ways to master the smaller aspects of our sport.  We rely on our stable of talented professionals for their advice, guidance and wisdom.  You will be smarter, better and more talented after reading our coaches corners.  all aspects of our sport are covered, all disciplines and all areas. 

CRB COACHES CORNER: SPOTTING



LOL, i dont know.  I think they fell..he? she?

HAHA.

Beats me.  There is no one back there anymore.

Are there sharks or alligators in the water here?


lol.  whatever.

Do a wheelie.



YOLO

Feb 2, 2017

Ski Boat Car



Gah, CUT LATER AGNES!

Welcome to CRB Airlines


Brap Brap Brap

*phone rings*


dodgestratusdriver:  GOOD MORNING, THANK YOU FOR CALLING CRB AIRLINES, WHAT DO YOU WANT?






sowhiteithurts:  Excuse me?  You can not speak to me that way sir, I demand to speak with your boss







dodgestratusdriver:  DO YOU WANT TO FLY IN OUR BAD ASS PLANE OR NOT?  LISTEN REALLY CLOSE, I DIDN'T DRIVE MY CUTLASS CIERA FROM MY BASEMENT APARTMENT TODAY JUST FOR THE PLEASURE TO TALK TO YOUR STUPID FACE.  FLY PLANE YES NO?




sowhiteithurts:  Stupid face?  How dare you, I have spent thousands of dollars on this face to make it...wait, how can you see my face.

Never mind, i read something on IDontLikeToDoAnythingOutOfMyComfortZone.com that you have a special plane that is set up just for people who waterski, I need to know every single thing about this service before I even consider purchasing tickets.

My kids, Jax, Troika and KtlinMariBeth do not eat peanuts or anything with peanuts in them, only gluten-free organic foods served immediatly after their Pilates/Crossfit exercise schedule...Are you listening to me?

dodgestratusdriver:  ........

no.





dodgestratusdriver:  I AM GOING TO PUT YOU ON HOLD FOR A SECOND, OTHERWISE I WILL KILL MYSELF WHICH I WOULD PREFER OVER TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE INSTEAD OF YOU FLYING IN OUR BITCHIN ASS AIRPLANE




*Puts sowhiteithurts on hold*


Feb 1, 2017

Wakeboarding in Hamsterdam



Thats a good teamate, good on ya Omar.  Appreciate the work of your teamate.

Get A Load Of This



Lets try this from a diplomatic way.  We all like pretty girls and we all like being coaxed along to making fantasy type videos showing us in some world we don't actually operate in, but, putting forth that image is fun.  Harmless.  Sexy nonsense fun.

Our industry is full of slow motion dudes being athletic and some sexy girl being slow motion sexy with no regard to their talent.  No mention of her skiing ability, but, lets concoct a typical waterski video, shall we?  Remember, the key points.  Girls ass, dudes skiing, girls doting on dude, girls in bikini, dude skiing, girl being excited for dude, thats it.

Its all 18 year old guys dream cycles, the sheets are sticky, the symptoms are there.

Its old, its played out, its annoying.

Lets not get twisted, sexy sells.  We aren't above that at all, but this video, are so horribly thought out, produced and conceived that it actually frustrating.

The girls do nothing, and we have amazing girls in our sport.  This clown doesn't have even half the talent of the girls that our sport has, no matter the discipline.

Wakeboarding you have Dallas, 3-event you have Regina and Alex, tennis you have Maria.

There is a level of video that we haven't got to yet, and its not just being able to slow things down or speed it up to look cool. its a level beyond that we are close to.  There are snippets of amazing cinematography in damn near all the waterski videos that are out now.

The level of talent in terms of ski ability and photography in our sport is amazing, its Warren Miller ish in its terms of production value and the omnipresence of portable cameras.  We have the ability as a sport ot make things that other sports don't

Our sport is photogenic, its beautiful, it lends itself to an artistic eye.

Its more then pretty girls ass's and some dipshit who has video editing software on a computer with a boner.

Expand and we can grow.  Its an amazing age we live in.  Utilize it.

Jan 31, 2017

Our Life

This is how it starts, this is how they get you.  You are just a youngster, not a care in the world.  Just out there on the water with your parents enjoying yourself. You don't know where this may lead.

Yay! This is fun

WEEEE!!!

Check it out dad!  Im doing it all by myself!!

life is here to ruin you.  eat it.
Are you sure kiddo?

Are you really fucking sure that you are "enjoying" this?

Because if you are, then we are going to have to have a conversation in the near future about what constitutes enjoyment and what constitutes a contractual agreement with the law about what you can enjoy about this sport and what this sport requires out of you.


um, yes, i am like...4 years old.  Things are supposed to be fun.  Not filled with contractual obligations you weirdo.  I mean, look at me!  My parents love each other.  I am learning to ski, i get to play all the time.  Make sand castles, i have a healthy image of what a family dynamic is supposed to be...its great!


oh.  I am going to mess you up kid.

You don't realize the road you are traveling down.  Its dark...and full of peril.

or dragons.

or, you know, whatever, expense reports.  Screw you, you little bastard.  You are going to regret having an open heart to the possibilities of the world.


Thats really weird mister!  But, I respect you and understand that you have a different outlook on life then I do.  Because I am only 4 years old and I see fun in everything I do.

WEEE..oh, i fell down.

OK!  I will try again.


Never fall.

***a few years later***


Dad!  Look at me!  I am doing this all by myself!  WOO HOO!!

I even got outside the wake the other time I did this but google lake view didn't have a boat in the area at the time.  This is so fun!!

I am so glad that we are all together all the time having fun on the lake!

Kinda weird I havent aged in those few years, but, just wait till I am in high school, there will be a growth spurt or something and I will be dunking on fools.


You are a fool.  You don't realize what you have entered your self into...a life of desire, of fun, of sacrifice on the alter of me.

Your master.

I rule you now.  Your life will be consumed from here until enternity of nothing but waterskiing.

HAHAHA

You think this if fun?  This will become a weight around your shoulders that will cause you extraordinary pain and suffering, will cause you to question your relationships with others, will cause you to wonder if the decisions that you make in your life are dictated by your own free will or by the life jacket that you have hanging in your garage.

What is that?  Do you hear the voices again?

The small whispers in the night, the voice in the back of your mind in the morning, the thought in your head that your friends are out on the water at this moment enjoying something you will never actually enjoy again?

This is the life you chose.

Live with your choices or find a final solution.


what the hell dude?  All i wanted to do was waterski.  I am like, i dont know, 8 years old?  I dont even know.  My summers are basically 3 years long.  I have no concept of time, or space, or...I don't know, sorrow or loss.

You can't take this away from me.

I come into this with a completely open heart and mind.

Do not let those who have come before me, and are jaded by the world influence my experiance.

.....

What the hell did I just say?

I am 8..or so...that makes no sense.  Never the less, you are weird and my mom just made popcorn, so, I am going to do that.  Then probably shit my pants.


Fine.

Do that.

I will be here.


Yeah, I am sure you will be.

You fucking douche. You just can't let things be fun.  You have to inject bullshit into everything that is pure.

An activity that is fun, you have to make it un-pure, your a stain on everything.

I don't even know what that means, I have popcorn butter on my life jacket.

An apt metaphor, popcorn is fun.  popcorn is simple.  so is this, and yet, i have a stain on my life jacket...from the popcorn.

Damn.

Im not old enough for this shit.


Yes you are.

Best to learn it now, and not be savaged by it later.


The hell man.

****10 years later****


WOO HOOO!!

This is hella fun!  I get to ski with my friends, look at us looking all awesome.  This is great.

Skiing on a ski team is super great, great friends, fun experiences, and unlike my friends at high school...I am so happy that I have been able to grow up in this environment!


Are you sure?


Dude, fuck you.

Yes, I am glad.  This is a fantastic sport.  Its fun, its different, people don't judge you based on y.....you know what.

You can go right to hell.

This is not something that you get to ruin.  Our lives are not some sort of fucking docket that is read over at a judges desk.  Its supposed to be fluid. It is not supposed to make sense.  Waterskiing is not like a "normal" sport, its weird, it unique.  Its a part of your identity, it helps us feel better about ourselves, it makes our outlook on life more positive.

This is a good thing and I don't want you trying to spoil it.

Yes, it gets into your bones, makes you see things a different way.  Thats a good thing.


Thats cute.

You are going to learn such a hard lesson.  This is not a life that you chose.  its a life that choses you, and you have no say in the matter.

You're right, it does get into your bones, but, its like a virus, it never lets go.  You are stuck with this forever.  You have no way out.

Every thing you do, every where you go, everything you ever do will always be de...


Are you shitting me?  Thats lyrics to the Police song I'll Be Watching You


ITS APPLICABLE HERE YOU GOD DAMN IDIOT!

You will never be able to escape what this sport does to you.  It changes you, changes your mindset. Changes how you view the world.


And what is wrong with that?  Sounds like a good thing.

To be able to view the world through the lens of a chilled out waterski person?  That sounds awesome.  In fact thats how everything should be.

We deal with enough of the idiot people who live their lives in towers, in condos, plated in gold that have no idea how the world really exists. Who have no idea the power of a few beers on a pontoon boat late at night under the stars.

Nature, being centered, allowing the bullshit to slip away, to really embrace the power of your fellow human, to understand how this world works.

Its not some sort of competition.

Its us all together, trying to make a better versions of what we have.  The best that we can do it.

Life is a finite resource, so we should make it the best version of it that we can.

Right?

YOU EXTRODINARY MORON!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS DOES, AND HOW IT MANAGES YOUR LIFE.

WE ARE NOT ONE TO CONTROL THE WORLD, THE WORLD CONTROLS US, WATERSKIING DOES NOT ALLOW YOU THE OPTION TO PEACE OUT AND JUST ENJOY PARTS, YOU HAVE TO BE SO INVOLVED THAT IT TAKES CONTROL OF ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE.

THATS THE WAY OF THE WORLD, THATS HOW THE NATURAL ORDER OPERATES.  YOU ARE FUCKED FROM HERE TO THE END OF YOUR LIFE.

THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

YOU WILL BE ETERNALLY LINKED TO THIS WORLD AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACQUIESCENCE TO OUR DEMANDS.

SUBMIT YOURSELF NOW TO OUR DEMANDS AND WE WILL ALLOW FOR YOUR SWIFT MERCIFUL ENDING.




I don't know know why you are yelling like that, and the fact that it has been something like 20 years should prove to you that your nonsense isn't true.

I mean, look at me, I am third tier on a show ski pyramid.

This is fun!

This is how skiing is supposed to be, a communal effort amongst like minded people!

Out there to have a good time!

Now, while we are talking.  And I "like" our talks, I have to let you know.  It would really help me if you would leave me alone for awhile.  We have a big tournament coming up and our team needs to practice.

Your whole line of nonsense that waterskiing is some sort of life long commitment, some sort of curse, something that we can't get away from...its dumb, its deductive, its stupid and assumes that we are all incapable of making our own decisions.


HAVE YOU SEEN A PICTURE OF YOUR DAD?

I DOUBT IT.  DON'T BE SO QUICK TO MAKE DECLARATIVE STATEMENTS WITH OUT FACTS.


dude, your just embarrassing yourself now.  knock it off.  I have shit to do.


YOU ASKED FOR IT!

HAVE YOU MET MY SON!  YOUR FATHER???????

THIS IS HIM WHEN YOU WERE 2 YEARS OLD!!

YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.  YOU BELONG TO US!!


sup.



Fuck.