Feb 9, 2016

Local Man Struggles With Basic Water Sports

Fred Sanders (seen here being terrible at waterskiing) - hates his kids because they haven't fulfilled his failed dreams. 
Jones Farm, MT - After a weekend on the water, local botanist Fred Sanders, was seen drinking beer in his garage angry over his inability to master the sport of waterskiing.

Sources have informed CRB that Fred and his family, wife Marissa, daughters Samantha and Kelly and son Scott...or some shit.  who cares.


The family decided to spend the weekend on the water at Lake Ballsax,  a popular weekend destination for much of the city and surrounding county, where you can find everything from over served and sunburned accountants and roofers trying to whip their kids on tubes, either, to their death or into another boat, or play their stereos loud enough that everyone on the lake can hear Kid Rocks god damn song about some fucking lake in Michigan..or, you know, fisherman we guess.

Onlookers noted that Mr. Sanders seemed particularly ornery on the Saturday in question, as after pulling his son on a wakeboard run, he seemed as if he had something to prove.

"yeah, Fred...he is always a little more aggressive then should be necessary," said local flutist Gary Smuthers, "we are used to that with him, we assume he has some issues with inadequacy that he hasn't quite figured out, but, right after his son...whats his name?  scott...or some shit?  who cares, anyways, after he went out and jumped the wake a few times, fell a few times, then started to whine that the water was cold...well, you could see his veins start to pulse"

Following his sons wildly disappointing turn on the wakeboard, Fred was seen verbally chastising his entire family for not appreciating his hard work during the week, and also his wife's inability to keep him aroused for an appropriate length of time, despite his own infidelity and increasingly poor diet, health, and personal well being..resulting in his unsurprising lack of strength, stamina or size.

"I have met the guy a few times, normally tuesday nights," said Eric Skipmeister, a bartender at the local hotspot 'Slimeys'.  "He is...kind of a skirt chaser, and, seemingly has money to burn..I guess, he has never mentioned his family before, but, when we saw them on Saturday...it did make sense"

Never the less, Fred was determined to show his son how to properly ride a wake board.  Angrily shoving his feet into the far to small bindings and slapping at the water in a futile attempt to put himself in proper position effectively get on top of the water as the boat accelerated.

Which further enraged Fred, as his wife, a complete novice to operating a high powered ski boat, was not sure how to properly pull a waterskiier.   Having never driven a boat, taking a boating safety class or spent any moment of her life in a boat prior to the day in question, the task presented was one that was a folly at best...a lurking disaster at worst.

This made no difference to Fred as he screamed from 200 feet behind the boat that she was an idiot and obviously having extra-marital affairs, whilst also actively telling her mom that he was an unfit husband.

"It was a wild scene man," said local stoners PeachTree and SunBeam.  "yeah man..like, his trip was something else...he needed to like..you know...just chill out and try a brownie"

The scenario of Fred yelling and slapping at the water and generally being a bad waterskiier played out, to the great amusment of the rest of the boating public on the lake, for what seemed like an entire afternoon.

Which as it turns out, was an entire afternoon.

Repeatedly getting back into the boat to slam Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas and further both the embarasement of his family and the case against him for eventual divorce, the rest of the boaters on the lake began to abandon their own ventures, giving way to watching the spectacle unfolding.


Most of this was said while also falling over into and out of the boat, "GOD DAMN.  MY CIGARETTES, MARISSA, WHAT THE HELL...OH SCREW IT, LET ME SHOW YOU UNGREATFUL JERKS HOW ITS DONE"

With that, Fred again got back into the water, this time with a graceful trip and fall over the side with a pair of combo skis.

"I CAN DO THIS DAMNIT" he was reported to have yelled in the opposite direction of the boat, stunning a group of ducks who scattered towards the middle of the lake.

Over the course of the next 5 to 10 minutes, onlookers reported that he constantly could not keep the skis under him in and was constantly flailing around in a hopeless attempt to right himself.

At one point Fred took off his right ski and tried to throw it back into the boat.  Which only resulted in him pulling a rib cage muscle and blaming it on foreigners.

At this point, Police records indicate Fred's bowels released themselves into this stupid Billabong board shorts and he simply said, "fuck it" and floated away from his boat trying to light a Marlboro Light with a pack of wet matches.

At press time, his wife has filed for divorce.  Fred, meanwhile, was in his garage angrily attempting to fix that god damn screen door that doesn't seem to latch while drinking his 8th or 9th beer of the morning, he was also heard muttering that "those bastards on their waterskis are...something...whatever screw them...and scott?  or some shit, who cares, probably not even my son."

(Ed Note: updates to the story include the feces in the shorts and the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, initially excluded from the print edition for space)

Its to Dang Cold!

Enjoy this weather you hot piece of ass! Dispatch from the CRB weather desk Guess what???  ITS COLDER THEN A WELL DIGGERS ASS OUT THERE KIDS...