[Gina] and I am Gina Skoalenstein, welcome everyone, our top story today is the continued backlash coming from the middle east after the controversial decision to shut down the entirety of that regions water reserves.
For more we go to our intrepid field reporter Molly Stepchevy, Molly?
[Molly] Thanks Gina, your hair looks fabulous today, what did you do to it?
[Molly] Nevermind you vapid bimbo.
[Molly] I am here in the heart of Saudi Arabia, technically, I am very close to the left aortic valve, and it is here that only I, Molly Stepchevy, has dared to venture to uncover the truth about the international issue at hand, that the Middle-East Coalition is holding our worlds skiable water hostage.
Earlier I was able to track down one of the top operators in this conspiracy and ask questions, questions only I, Molly Stepchevy, dare ask. Roll the tape you idiot cameraguy.
[Camera Guy] /flips bird....rolls tape.
[Molly] So, Mr. So and So, can you explain why you are holding the worlds water hostage, is this a brazen attempt to control the worlds economy? Are you mad at your wives? Do you hate puppies? Did you forget your tampoons? How does my hair look? Should I buy the Saab or the Volvo? Why doesn't my husband like having sex with me anymore? Is he cheating on me? Am I cheating on him with his boss?
[Molly] The answer to all those questions is YES. YOU PERVERT! I HATE YOU. GIVE US BACK OUR WATER
[Saudi Guy] WTF lady, your weird. LOL. Its Saudi Arabia, we are like, mostly sand. and some oil. ok, half and half. Either way, we don't have any water here...why do you think we wear these robes?
[Molly] Ahh, i see, playing hardball with me huh? I see....I will get to the bottom of this.
[Saudi Guy] omg, srsly? Your redic. lata.
[Molly] So there you have it, straight from the horses mouth, the Saudis are hording all of our water, and speaking of hording....i'm bout to get my gin and tonic on and find me a nice little oil barron to bleed dry slowly over the course of many years. Back to you in the studio.
[Stew] Thanks Molly, that was horrible reporting as always!!
[Gina] So, stew...thats a tasty looking sub there you got...mind if I have a taste?
[Stew] Thats not just a sub Gina...if you know what I am saying.
[Gina] no, i dont really.
[Stew] I have a have a huge erect....ummm, nevermind, i have herpes too, so you know...steer clear.
[Gina] Thanks for the advice, i would like a bite of that sub...here, just let me grab it and....
[Stew] Wow, you have a big mouth. it actually goes over your nose, and you know who else is in the knows? Yep, our head meteorologist, Dr. Jim! Jim?
YEAH!!!! GET SOME!!!
back to you stew.
[Gina] Are you wearing a Sub as a hat?
[Stew] No, my hair always looks this scrumptious. I always use Subway brand Shampoo in the morning, I thought you knew that, as you continually get plastered and show up at my place at 4 AM looking for a fix.
[Gina] I live in the same apartment building as you, you moron. You are always sitting on your porch with your bong and a bottle of jergens. Whats that all about?
[Stew] I love you Gina. We were meant to be together.
[Gina] Nice, you are a class act Stew. Moving along, lets kick it old school with sports. As always with refreshing take on todays action here is our own, Hap "THE KILLER" Glaudi
[Hap] Why in heavens name do you guys keep refering to me as "The Killer"? Prostitutes aren't real people and therefor, technically, I haven't killed anyone.
[Hap] Oh shit, is this mic on?
[Stew] /masturbates with mayonnaise and sliced tomatoes
[Hap] Thats awesome Stew. You can't even make it one half hour without taking care of a six incher huh? huh huh...
[Stew] Whats that? I can't hear you over all these subs...god I need a smoke....hey Gina...lets play dress up!!
[Hap] Nice hat dickhead.
[Hap] Anyways, in free agent news the Boise Idaho Gun Smugglers, recently signed Whitney McClintok to a record contract to compete in the WWL, the World Waterski League, with now over 60 teams around the world competing for a 25 million dollar prize, this year should be one for the ages, now, lets head to Heidi and see what Whitney had to say about her record contract, Heidi?
[Heidi] Thanks Hap, tell Stew to save a sub for me, if you catch my drift.
[Hap] Jesus Christ, what is with you people? Anyways, what did you find out for us Heidi?
[Heidi] Well, Recently I found out that I really like the taste of a darker meat sub. Meatballs maybe? Tuna Fish...you get what I am saying.
[Hap] /Blows head off with sub shooter
[Heidi] Hap? Are you ok?
[Heidi] Tee Hee, anyways guys. so, I totally talked to Whitney today and here is what she said.
[Heidi] HEY WHITNEY! ITS ME HEIDI IN THE INNERTUBES, YOU WANT SOME OF MY SUB????
[Whitney] FOR CHRISTS SAKE I AM SKIING HERE, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!
[Whitney] AND WHATS WITH THE GOD DAMN SUBS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!??
[Heidi] Welp, thats all from here, back to you guys in the studio.
[Stew] Once again all of us at Panda News would like to thank you for tuning in
[Gina] I think I have a piece of turkey in my undaroos.
[Stew] Thats not turkey baby
[Gina] The Hell?
[Stew] Nevermind, that didn't make sense anyways.
[Gina] No, it didn't
[Stew] As always keep one hand on the wheel and the other two on your sub.
[Gina] That's my leg
[Stew] SO IT IS!!
[Geraldo] EXCUSE ME!! This is not the end of the story, oh no. Your local waterski news organization thinks that they uncovered the plot to hold our waterskiiable water hostage as well as Whitney McClintoks record breaking contract to light.
HO NO THEY DID NOT! Next on "GERALDO IN YOUR FACE" we will go inside the seedy world of highly competitive waterskiing and expose these frauds for who they really are.
But first, a word from our sponsors.
[Geraldo] AND WE ARE BACK. God do I love burritos.
/creepy organ music
Innocent civilians walk the street. not knowing what dangers lurk around every corner, could this be the day that they....
Not with "GERALDO IN YOUR FACE" on the scene.
We went out and beat the streets, to bring you, the innocent, stupid, unable to fend yourself citizen of this country the dirt that YOU NEED to survive your day.
Rememeber this story from just over 20 minutes ago about Whitney and her record contract with the WWL? No?
TOUGH. I AM GOING TO SHOVE RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, GERALDO STYLE.
Seems innocent enough, a cute reporter in an innertube with a delicious sub sandwich simply trying to uncover the truth about the under the table wheeling and dealing that makes the WWL such a pervasive and insidious organization.
[Geraldo] Yes, thats right. SHE IS STEALING MONEY!! FROM THE ELDERLY!
[Geraldo] We reached out to the poor eldery, they all stay in the same place you know...and here is what they said when WE GOT IN THEIR FACE.
[Geraldo] Sir, can you please tell us your reaction when you found out about this heist of money from YOUR POCKETS?
[Elderly Dude] HUH? WHAT SONNY? My taxes pay for our military which then had the responsibility of protecting you while you were embedded in their unit and then you blabbed secret information to the entire world you nitwit. Is that the sort of theft you are speaking of?
[Geraldo] HOW DARE YOU!? I WAS QUESTIONING AUTHORITY. I WAS GETTING RIGHT IN THERE FACE!
[Elderly Dude] No one stole money from us, I have my money in various retirement accounts and well as my personal savings and real estate ventures, I was smart with my money during my working life and now I am enjoying the fruits of my labor. Besides, with modern medicine I can totally get it on whenever I want.
[Elderly Dude] Is that a burrito?
[Elderly Dude] Yes it is. I can see right in your hand where the mic is supposed to be
[Geraldo] No its not.
[Elderly Dude] Yes it is. Whats wrong with you? And why are you crawling around on the ground?
[Geraldo] You watch it old man, i will get IN YOUR FACE before you know it. Don't you try and spin me.
[Elderly Dude] pfffft, eff this noise. Yo, Gertrude, lets bounce.
[Elderly Women] I feel dat. Lata bitch.
[Geraldo] and yet another sad old man whose country has betrayed his every belief, shaken him to the core, its a sad day in America when the marginalized get repressed and beaten down as these two have.
/elderly couple totally getting it on in the back seat of a Camaro
[Geraldo] With the elderly population scared to their wits end, we turned out attention to the real culprits, the waterskiers themselves. The truth will shock you to your very core of being, if you have kids in the house I suggest you ask them to leave the room, nay...leave the house..no, leave the country....
/cuts to videotaped segment.
[Geraldo] We are here on the shores of Lake Chipolte Burrito and we have tracked down one of the so-called "money players" in the WWL. Yes, the head of this operation, Nicolas Le Forestier.
[Geraldo] Wow, nice weiner
[NLF] um, thanks. its my lunch, please leave me alone.
[Geraldo] oh, I apologize, I must have caught you at a bad time. I will come back...RIGHT NOW AND GET IN YOUR FACE YOU HOT DOG EATING KRAUT!!!
[NLF] I am pretty sure I am French...lemme check my label...Yep, French. Now FOUS LE CAMP!!
[Geraldo] How dare you speak to me in such a manner. We are GETTING IN YOUR FACE to get to the bottom of this WWL scandal. How can you steal from the elderly and give that money to fellow waterskiers, just to pad the bank account of your fat cat cronies? HUH? I CANT HEAR YOU!?!
[NLF] What? whats wrong with you and why are you yelling at me? We negotiated a contract with the world government organization that allows us anti-trust status, we bring in well over a 100 billion dollars a year in revenue for the world back (that money goes to Italy) which is then spread throughout many needy communities as well as provide a harmless and excited sport for our fans to watch and enjoy every Monday, Thursday and Saturday.
[Geraldo] You poison pill son of a bitch, don't think that you can get away with that sort of shit on my watch, I am IN YOUR FACE for good buster, I will break you, I will destroy you, I will REIGN DOWN A SHIT STORM SO LARGE THAT YOU....
[NLF] Want a burrito?
[Geraldo] oh my god...is that a black bean and cajun chicken burrito with extra guac?
[NLF] Why yes, yes it is.
[NLF] Here, have it. I made especially for you.
[Geraldo] /snorts burrito
[Geraldo] God yes, that was good. /naps
[NLF] sheesh, what a nut job.
**Back in studio**
[Geraldo] As you have seen in our Shocking piece on the theft of money from old people by young upstart waterskiers, the trend in this country is ominous. Its black hearted. Its ugly. and without people like me to GET IN YOUR GODDAMN FACE at every turn, it will continue down this terrible spiral into hell.
/Chairs flys across room, hits Geraldo
[Camera Man] AND WE'RE CLEAR!!