Aug 8, 2019

Sudden Realization - Its August?

I have the weirdest dinner plates

It happens all the time, you look up and its WAY later in the day then you thought it was, or you spend a day out on the water and glance at your phone and WHOA! its allready, like, 6 pm or something.

But, what the in the actual hell, did you guys realize that it's already August?

Like, the eighth month of the year??

The month that was named by a Roman emperor named, August.  Dude named the month after himself, because thats the month in which he had the most victories in battle.  Never the less, what a self-absorbed loser.

August is also sometimes known as Harvest Month.

Great, neat, thats fine.  But, what gives man.  Just like, last week it was April and in our part of the country it was just starting to still be shitty outside!!!

Wasn't it just like, a few weeks ago we were shoveling snow and cursing the weather gods and wondering why on earth we live in this horrible area?  Seeing the skimasterbu in the garage and thinking, "listen here you little bitch, you are going to get SO USED up this summer.  Just get ready"

And what now?

Its August.


Its already the Eighth?


Settle down Presiden Van Buren, you Bob Cratchit looking ass

The 8th of August.  Good heavens!

The day that the Henry II of France declared war on England!

The day that, in 1576, the cornerstone is laid for Tycho Brahe's observatory in Uraniborg, Denmark!

The day that, in 1585, John Davis enters Cumberland Sound in search of the Northwest Passage!

I mean, on this day in 1673 a fleet of 23 Dutch battle ships demanded the surrender of New York!


On this day in 1911 the millionth patent is filed in the United States Patent Office by Francis Holton for a tubeless vehicle tire

I mean, what the hell!?!?!?!

How could this be already??

I mean, on this day in 1848 the US Barnburners party merged with the Free Soil Party and nominated that Neil Young's dad looking fool above for president.

Yo, Van Buren is mad tight son, check your privilege  /harmonica solo
This is the day!!  In 1942...and you all must remember this, that Dmitri Shostakovichs 7th Symphony, which is dedicated to the city of Leningrad is performed in said city DURING a seige by Nazi forces, and its performed by starving musicians and broadcast to german forces by loud speaker!!

Unreal man.

I mean, in 1918 in World War I, The Allies launch the Hundred Days Offensive, beginning with the Battle of Amiens where 500 tanks and 10 Allied divisions attacked German lines

Its really hard to wrap our heads around the fact that its already the ninth.

I mean, it was like...I dont know, like, last year in 1988 the Cubs beat the Mets 6-4 in the first ever official night game at Wrigley Field.

The passage of time takes it toll on people in different ways, we cope and deal with things that change and mutate in our own different ways.  Some of us welcome the passage of time, viewing the upcoming time with open arms and enjoying the adventure that is there before us. Viewing life as a winding path through unstable and unknown terrain.

Some of us prefer to look at the past and remember the good times and marinate on that which helps propel us into the future, realizing the more good times and memories are sure to be realized.  With the steady hand of a seasoned ship captain guiding the rudder of our vessel and simultaneously enjoying the wake created and the open water ahead.

While others prefer to, or simply survive, by living in a consistent state of homeostasis undeterred by either the forward or backwards passage of time, like a submarine traversing the depths of the ocean without the knowledge of the passing of day and night, time is an abstract concept ignored for the simple well being of the mind, only to be reminded from time to time by constructural events like birthdays and holidays.

Found your mom, dork. 
Day to day life can become such a routine that it becomes a strange sort of hypnotic momentum that eliminates the structural element of time within our own minds.  You spend, what, 8-9-10 hours a day at work so you can pay for the place in which you sleep and eat and shower, and the routine repeats itself ad-nauseum until you mentally push aside the idea of taking it one day at a time and it all blends together into a week.  Which then all of a sudden becomes a month, which all of a sudden becomes a year and then all of a sudden its been a decade.

You become what you thought of when you were young as a un-idealized loser, going to work, putting gas in your car, making dinner, trying not to fight...AGAIN...with your partner because you did...whatever it is that you do that pisses them off.

Because, and it sneaks up on you, you have forgot to do things for yourself.  To make sure that you are enjoying things and not just doing what is expected of you because thats easier then doing something irresponsible like, you know, owning a freaking ski boat and tearing it up on some random wednesday afternoon because you are a god damn bad ass!!!

Then again, phew, boats are really expensive and this leased Chevy Traverse isn't going to pay for itself and Dale, your neighbor is thinking about having a manger scene on his lawn this year for christmas and you will be god damned if he is going to make his house look better then yours so you better start planning out your decorations and probably going to target to pick up some...


ITS 2019?????

Whats going on!!??


Jul 31, 2019

New Federal Law: Pontoon Days

Hey!  Did anyone watch the Democratic Debate last night???

HOO-BOY, we are sure it must have been wonderfully entertaining and hopefully a sign of brighter things ahead for our country, but, we didn't watch!

Did Elizabeth Warren "LAY WASTE" to John Delany??


Or did Bernie say some...whatever, Bernie stuff??  Probably!!

With all the talk of health care and reparations and immigration and, what else, infrastructure??  That sounds like something someone would say at some point wouldn't it?  That sounds like a politician type word.  Infrastructure.  Thats a meaty word if you think about, full of syllables and letters and what not, makes one feel smart...maybe to smart if you ask us...its really a scam that the system is playing on us, get us to feel smarter than we really are.

When we feel smarter, we tend to gloss over things that one who, of such a high IQ, would condemn as beneath them, or not worthy of our time or not deemed of such importance as to raise even an interested eye brow.

But, this, is not, that place.

What was not talked about is a policy that we need to fight for, we need to take to the streets, demand action take place RIGHT AWAY!


Calmer then you are dude.

Jul 30, 2019

Ummm...did you know they are waterskiing at the Pan American Games?

Oh!  Hi there!!  Its been awhile, here are crb hq we were got really down a rabbit hole on you tube of people falling down stairs.  Its wonderful.

But, did you know that there is waterskiing going on at the Pan American Games in Lima??


Turns out, its probably going on right now!  Or maybe its already over!!

If our ability to google stuff works, looks like... /types furiously...

Well, huh, how about that.  Regina Jaquess (pronounced Jaquess) is still out there wrecking shit like a boss.

She won gold.  As if any of us doubted our cyborg overlord.  See?  Look here.  ClickaLinka

Ok, so, thats it.  Looks as though tuesdays action will consist of MOAR SKIING.  via the link above.

Tuesday’s action will consist of the men’s and women’s water ski overall events and men’s wakeboarding. Garcia will compete in men’s overall, Jaquess will compete in women’s overall, and Andrew Adkison (Chipley, Fla.) will compete in men’s wakeboarding.
Tight Tight Tight.  So, anyways, this has been the helpful CRB.  As always your #1 source of waterski news.

Feb 17, 2019

You're Doing Pontoon Wrong

Its happened to everyone at some point in their lives, a moment that is tucked back into the mind that you remember from time to time and shudder.

You have done something that you are embarrassed about, you have done something that make you feel like a fool, you have acted, the fool.

You need to get home, get grounded, get right with your life.  We are all allowed these daliances into the world of silly.  Its ok, you get heated about some political issue, you get mad about fire wood, you have a issue with the way someone parks their car, you accidentally murder a a community leader in a fit of rage over their proposed street parking agenda.

LOOK!  Its happened to us all, and the bodies that are buried in someone else's backyard that in NO WAY incriminate me to these heinous crimes are in no way a barometer to your own moral misgivings to you cheating on your husband last month.  with me.  in your car.  in a target parking lot.  in the morning.

it was good tho.  #respect

never the less, in times of trouble, mother mary come to me.  speaking words of wisdom.  get a pontoon and drink your pain away.

right?  Thats the song?

Pretty sure thats right. 

These are the moments you need to get right with your god, get centered and back to what makes you a heathoneous person in the first place, a boat with two pontoons and some beer on it, possibly some cheez-its, and most certainly a cadre of sliced turkey and cheese, and for sure some pretzel buns.  NOM NOM....quiet now, nom nom.....ok, he is gone, NOM NOM!!!

Eat you glutonous piece of shit!  Dance like no one is watching!  Eat like your mirror hates you!!

You need to remember what got you here in the first place, you arent' setting agendas at the weekly condo association meeting, no, you are trying get your ass onto the pontoon and get proper.

and then.  you get to the dock and see this.

My grandpa beat me with the sharp end of an axe, so, i do this.  Im an idiot. 

Thats three motors. 


What the fuck is that???  Your running three, what, 225s on a god damn pontoon boat?  How dare you sir!!!

How do you bring that into our lives.  This is pitbull satellite radio being beamed into your head at 1000 miles an hour without your permission, this is a heinous act of aggression to your chilling out and we should, really, be taking them to court over the obscivation of yoru pontooning rights as an American citizen and how they flaunt the laws of common decency with their vulgar display...

...dont say it...

...your going to tho...



That isn't what the boating gods had in mind when they came up with the pontoon.  Pontoon is supposed to be about chilling out, slowing meandering about your body of water while sipping on cocktails, eating cheeze-its and...maybe, if your super bold, smoking a joint to "take the edge off"

It is not, this nonsense.

life in the suburbs is great.  I love my bullshit life


I ran over my own dick with a subaru, this is the only way to feel normal.

im a maga-chud.  i wish this could drown me and my sorrows

This isn't what pontoon is supposed to be about.  If you want a fishing boat that has as billion horsepower, go get one.  If you want a deck boat go get one.  If you want to flaunt that you hate your life, get a run-about.  

Tow your dick head kids around the lake on a Saturday at top speed while yelling at your partner about the parking situation in the garage and how your boss makes you feel insignificant.  

Dont take that out on your boat!

Boats, any boat, ski boat, pontoon, car, whatever, are weird extensions of your own life.  They are not necessities, you don't need a boat, you don't need a car, you don't need a wife, you don't need functioning toilet, you don't need don't need love, you only need to bow at the alter of the monetary system that controls your world.  Give in to the life that those richer then you expect of  you. 

Do no ask questions.  Blindly do what you are told. You fucking sheep ass piece of shit. 

You don't need any of that.  

But, what you deserve, what you should be promised in the constitution, is the ability to once in a while, to fucking chill out.  

To have a beer.  Get some sun on that belly you are so mad isn't as flat as it used to be. 

To not feel like you owe it to anyone to be anything that you aren't.  You have earned that right in this world.  And its ok, to be a bit selfish if you feel it. 

You don't owe the world shit, you don't owe anyone a 40 hour a week nonsense bullshit plan.  You are your own boss in this life. 

You dont have to explain to your stupid neighbor why you are taking a few days and spending them on your boat so you can be centered.  

In our world these days, so many of us are so uptight, strung so tight that we snap at even the nicest people you meet.  You are mean to the person at subway for no reason, what, they didn't put 5 green peppers on your sub and not 6?  Slam your dick in a drawer your dipshit. 

You chastise the person at target because they didn't immediately acknowledge how serious your stupud bullshit was?  Stick a broom up your ass idiot.  People live their lives not in a cow-tow situation to your own idiot nonsnese.  

Your rude to the cashier as best buy because they aren't moving fast enough and asking the customer if they want the extended warranty?? They are doing their jobs and they sure as hell aren't worried about the fact your kids have to wait an extra five minutes at home with the baby sitter because  you were out having an affair and then remembered you needed a god damn optical cable for your video dildo. 

Fuck you. 

Go out on your god damn pontoon boat and decompress.  You need it. 

Yes.  You.  

This is a good start.  Right here.

Look close, those people are having a hell of a good time, despite their 80's ass hair metal hair.  Bet you $100 bucks they are slamming natty ices and pulling on a joint.  Look at the guy in the blue shirt, he is TOTALLY sneaking a bit of a titty grab while Dale......fucking checking his email..making sure his dip shit client will skate on his 5th dui. 

Or...lets get real.  Look at these people!

They are growing weed right there on their boat!  Thats a proper chill vessel.  There is a grill right there in the bow of the boat, and you can bet your sweet ass they are grilling up hot dogs, kebabs and corn on the cob.  They know damn well that Scooter in the office can fuck right off about that PDS report he has been harping on. 

Look Scooter, sorry your can't get an erection anymore, but, i am straight FEELING IT on the boat right now and, WHOA, whats this???  A freshy cocktail.  Eat it you fuck.

Speaking of Scooter, here he is on his boat, trying to be a bad ass.  LOL son, you look like a bad pair of boxers after a racquetball match made up entirely of people who eat far too many stool softeners. 

(ed note: YUCK)

Look, the point is.  90% of us all need to chill the fuck out, to get out of our own brains and enjoy our lifes a litle bit more.   There is no prize for being 80 years old and someone slapping you on the dick and saying, "great job working that sunday"

Nah, it doesn't happen.  Its all regets when we get old.  We regret not skiing that one pass, we regret not talking to that one girl, we regret...we regret.  

Lets be more like Dale and Johnson here in their super on brand pontoon, just go fucking fishing man.  Take a god damn load off, catch your self a trout and look at it in its fish face and say, "bro, i love you, but, I ate a 1/2 tab of acid and you look like a god damn dna sequence of a turtle"

Turtles are so dope tho bro

Its to Dang Cold!

Enjoy this weather you hot piece of ass! Dispatch from the CRB weather desk Guess what???  ITS COLDER THEN A WELL DIGGERS ASS OUT THERE KIDS...