Well, here we are!! Here is the third annual installment of the Collegiate All-Stars by your friends at the CRB. This is just about two-weeks late...just like your girlfriend!!!
HAHA!!! Just kidding, your not the father.
Team Midwest is again the champion of the world of waterskiing at colleges. A small and furry puppy stopped by and gave us the low-down, the cute little pup said it went down something like this.
Team Mid-West: Hello Western Region, I see you won the title last year.
Western Region: Um, yeah...remember, you were there as well.
Team Mid-West: Yeah, thats true. So, about that whole thing. We would like to have that trophy and cash and accumulation of celebrity status that comes with winning back, you know, if you don't mind.
Western Region: Right mate, sorry, but, we do mind and would just as soon keep our trophy, gold bricks and cocoa plant farm.
Team Mid-West: Huh, well....lemme just think about this for a sec....
Western Region: What are you doing?
Team Mid-West: CURB STOMP BITCHES!!!! *Team Mid-West is Curb-Stomping the shit out of the Western Region*
Western Region: Sheesh, you didn't have to be so stompy!!
Mid-west = 8745 points
Western = 6155
Eastern = 1910
South = 0 (not good at waterskiing)
1) Western Region - 11,010 (Whats wrong Team Mid-West? Not good at waterskiing?)
2) Team Midwest - 7,020 (Silent, pent-up rage...building)
3) Eastern Region - 3,090
4) Southern Region - 3,065 (someone took lessons!)
1) Team Mid-West - 10450.0 (BOOM BITCH!!)
2) Western Region - 9315.0 (/gurgle)
3) Eastern Region - 3625.0 (why are we making this harder on ourselves?)
3.5) um? - 1300.0 (I don't know)
4) Southern Region - 1240.0 (We showed up)
So, thats basically what happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Simple physics.
Or, another theory that has been floated around is that waterski skill is a finite thing that can only be dispersed in small quantities and you recieve a new amount on the first of the year. Meaning, the fact that people who live in the mid-west and get demolished by winter every year actually have MORE skill then people who live in the south because they have saved up skill.
Thats probably not the case though, as everyone knows, beer fuels waterski talent, not talent and hard-work fueling the....uh oh...derail.
We are now babbling.
Congrats to Team Mid-West. All your lifelong dreams have now come true. Its all downhill from here, get ready for a life of soul-crushing tedium that results eventually in your death at age 75 from a combination of old-age, heart break and prescription-grade opiates.
HEY, give me back my computer!! We have important stuff going on.
How did the individuals do? In the past we have listed the scores, places and made smart-ass comments and attempted to interject into the proceedings our unique blend of humor, insight and analysis. But, this year we have a really special treat for you. Instead of the CRB doing any of that non-sense, we are pleased to present some celebs from the world of sports and entertainment to provide their unique take on each event.
Mens Slalom: by Mariah Carey
1) Cale Burdick - 1.5 Buoys @ 39 Off
2) Storm Selsor - .5 Buoys @ 38 Off
3) Jonathan Paulovich
3) Christopher Prem
tee-hee! omg guyz, srsly. Did u c those shoes? i ttly want those...HEY YOU...get over here...fetch me thse shoes
move fster..want shoes now...
/snaps fingers again
Hey, do you know who i am, i am Mariah Carey damn it. you will do what i want when i want!!
/morphs into dragon, breathing fire
tee-hee...omg. sry bout that. Storm is such a q.t. aww, just wanna hug him.
Mens Trick Ski: by Bob Dylan
1) Storm Selsor: 5,000 pts
2) Tomlin Wilson: 3,910 pts
3) Cale Burdick: 2720 pts
with the rats on parade and the sky marching closer to its almost certain and untimely death the man around the corner in a coon-skin cap remarks that he hasn't seen his wife in ages while she was off becoming a man in the clutches of an almost unmistakable fear that the world has not gone sideways until the magical dust rises up over the mountain to snatch the small child from the womb of our social ills that still afflict the nation that is wallowing slowly towards the uncharted depths of the great beyond where riders on horses allow for your to drink their water and feed their horses all the while the man stabs you in the back with a hollow-pointed rose water tipped knife.
*note: we will now proceed to run this through babblefish*
Result: no clue what the hell he is talking about.
Needless to say, Cole and Storm are awesome. If they were to be teamed together somehow, a colestorm if you will, they would probably be so incredible that colonizing mars or ending the issues in Darfur or finding the CRB's car keys would be possible.
Mens Jump: by Lou Pinnella
1) Cale Burdick - 144 Feet
2) Storm Selsor - 140 Feet
3) Andy Madden - 138 Feet
ALLRIGHT DIPSHITS, LISTEN UP. QUIT YER ASSGRABBIN AND PAY ATTENTION. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL CALE OR STORM ARE, OR WHY THE CRAP THEY DON'T HAVE REAL MAN NAMES LIKE MATT OR GREG OR LOU OR ERIC OR LOU.
/slams 5 shots of wild turkey
FUCK YEAH. NOW WE ARE TALKING MY LANGUAGE. 144 FEET? YOU GODDAMN BOY LOVER. I CAN THROW 3RD BASE THAT FAR AND I HAD MY ELBOW REPLACED WITH A ROBOTIC EXTENDABLE ASHTRAY/SPITTOON.
/eats 10 lit cigarettes, smashes lighter on the floor
ANDY MADDEN, NOW THATS A REAL NAME. HE CAN DATE MY DAUGHTER. WELL, THATS ALL. GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Well, thanks for that Lou. We appreciate your candor and honesty, in spite of your total lack of waterski knowledge, we are sure that Cale and Storm are pleased with your assessment of their names.
Mens Final Overall Standings: by the CRB
1T) Storm Selsor: 870 Points
1T) Cale Burdick: 870 Points
3) Jonathan Paulovich: 795 Points
Looks like the two main men at the All-Stars actually could mix their DNA's together to form the CaleStorm and no one would be the wiser as they tied themselves up for first place. That sounds weirder then it was intended to be.
Storms brother, with a more Lou appropriate name, Ryan took fourth place, so if I were a college I would prepare myself for a Selsor storm next year!
Also, in sixth place is the early clubhouse leader for the GBH Award that is given annually to the most awesome person of the tournament is Rick Krulicki. Past winners include Kurtis Threlkeld in 2006 and Kole Magnowski.
Moving along, lets focus our attention on the ladies. Guys, we know yours is already there. For the women we will attempt to get some celebs that may be a bit more, um, enjoyable for the ladies.
Womens Slalom: by Pete Wentz
1) Regina Jaquess
2) Andrea Neely
3) Jenna Sligar
ths is so hrd. hw do u pck jus 1 grl? i mean. thy r all awsme. regnina hs bn kckng ass 4 lke evr. Jenna is rad and andrea is cte 2.
/realizes he is Pete and married to Ashley Simpson
pssh..what am I talking about. Rock on girls, life rules. check me out, in a good band, have a kid on the way!! I mean, how great is that....
Me and you
Setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
The best way
To make it through
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize
Two out of three ain't bad
Womens Tricks: by Ryan Reynolds
1) Jenna Sligar - 3,610
2) Regina Jaquess - 3,570
3) Jessica Lang - 2,580
Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Jenna, Regina and Jessica? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Anyways, What I am trying to say is that, while your scores may have you in some sort of metaphysical ranking system, i myself, do not subscribe to such things as i believe all three of you are equally fantastic.
Its a fools game to artificially rank people according to some, so-called, scoring system. The only scoring system I use is with this....
CRB: Thats enough Ryan. Thanks for your time.
Womens Jump: by McDreamy
1) Kayla McClure - 107 Feet
2) Jenna Sligar - 101 Feet
3) Jessica Long - 99 Feet
lots of idiotic over-psycho babble and intense introspection followed by a stream of trite and silly chatter about relationships and descriptive terms that somehow endear him to the women on my show.
CRB: so, would you please mention the girls who jumped?
There is a land called Passive Agresseva, and you are their queen.
CRB: um, technically we are a we. not male or female.
Well isn't this cozy. Can I join in or are you not in to threesomes?
CRB: maybe you should go talk to Ryan. Just, look straight up. He is above you in the trick ski section.
You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's… it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair.
CRB: oh for christ's sake.
Womens Overall: by the CRB
1) Jenna Sligar - 820 Points
2) Kayla McClure - 765 Points
3) Corynn Cassidy - 655 Points
Where is Regina? did she not jump? anyways, congrats to Jenna for taking the overall title. If you look up and down the overall standings from this tournament you see an awful lot of mid-west people. makes sense seeing as they won the damn thing.
/great analysis CRB
screw you. we are sort of still shocked there isn't any Regina. Why didn't she jump?
Oh crap. we just realized we made the same damn joke about Danielle and Jenna Sligar last year that we did this year with Cale and Storm. Even put their names together. Shoot. Well, maybe the sister act did team up at some point to vanquish the Hope College juggernaut.
Either way, congrats to all skiers, hopefully if you read this you think its funny. We are just making some funnys. If you notice within the walls of the CRB we have much love for Collegiate sking and the skiers within. Kudos to all for another fantastic year.
Now, the most important part of the post. Year One it was the GBH (green boat house) award, then we changed names and it became the CRB award, the annual award we give out to the awesome-ist skier of the tournament, or more specific, our favorite name.
/Crowd erupts into cheers
Here you go Rick!!
Thats right sweetie, this is the third year of the award. Be careful with that.
Congrats Rick! See y'all next year!!