Feb 14, 2017

CRB Cooking School: Coffee

Beans are spilled
Item: Coffee

Description: A typical morning beverage for people who stay up to late at night writting silly blog posts on a waterski based website that they haven't figured out a way to monitize yet.  Maybe?

Why?: General laziness mainly, as we offended the google ad people by having nudity on the site a few years ago so that didn't work, and from there we aren't sure what to do, despite like, hundreds of thousands of salary going to our unpaid interns.  College, haha, right?

OH! Why coffee, because its A) a morning drink that helps you wake up and B) a nice routine based item to help us live out the rest of our days with a sense of calm instead of shrieking dispair.

What do you need?  Coffee beans.  Duh.  and a coffee maker, and depending on the state of your beans, also a grinder.

So, in order

1) Aquire beans.  Go to the store, either a grocery store or your local coffee shop and acquire beans.

Some people get all huffy of what kind of beans, its like the beer snobs, its whatever you like.  There are heavy type coffee and light type...ask the person working there for help.  Thats what they do!  But as a general rule of thumb - - darker, heavier coffees are for people who have a wider palate of tastes, where as, lighter coffee tends to be for people who like sea food and think pepper is to spicy for their chicken wings*

2) Have coffee maker.  This is an apparatus that puts hot water through ground beans and a filter into a big glass jug.  Which you then pour from into a smaller jug.  Then goes into your face.

3) Coffee grinder: If you have beans that are un-ground.  Get one of these, you get them at a store.  Its a thing that grinds beans into a powder.  Like your cocaine.  The CRB Grinder is in the floor behind the shelf because someone got drunk and knocked it onto the ground.

Because apathy.  Its pathetic.  Also, it was me.  and I wasn't drunk.  And it wasn't on the ground.  It was on a different shelf that I forgot about.  Also, I don't own one. So the other shelf was the one at the store.  Which I don't go to.  Whatever, they cost like 5 dollars.  Get two of them.  one for coffee and one for achiote paste.  Thats something we will tackle at a later cooking school.  Its used for pork mostly.  Its really good and has nothing to do with coffee.

How do you make it?  Its really pretty easy.

You simply get a filter and put it in the tray thing in the coffee maker.  Which, yes, you should also get filters.  They are located at the store by the coffee and grinders, and also, like, one row away from condoms, which you don't need.

Put the filter in the thing.  Fill the other thing with water.  The other thing is the part behind the part where the filter is, its the part that looks like it could fit a bunch of water.

Put like.  Maybe...2 1/2 table spoons of ground coffee into the filter contraption.  Something like that.  We screw it up always.  But you can always add bourbon.  Which, when mixed in coffee in the morning, isn't a cry for help, its a sign of sophistication.

And also a way to drive to work better.

Then you turn the machine on.  Wait about 30 seconds before cussing at the thing because it is taking so freaking long to put the water from the contraption that holds water into the glass contraption in the front that also holds water.

Tell the damn thing to go to hell or eat a dick or whatever and then walk out of the room and onto the porch to get a beer out of the cooler you left open from the night before, because you aren't responsible and forgot to bring in the cheez-its and cold cuts.

Drink that quickly, its 7:30 in the AM you danged fiend!!!!

Then, go take a shower.  With your beer.  Actually, you should grab another.  Because shower beers are great.  Enjoy yourself.  Life is short.  Have fun.  The hell with them if they can't take a joke.

Drink your beers in the shower.  Sing along to the kings of leon song that came on, dang that was a good concert.

Oh, god damn it, they are playing the red hot chile peppers,

Should have got the bluetooth speaker thing your ex-girlfriend mentioned.  Then you could listen to your own music and not this garbage.  Shut up Samantha!  Im glad your gone.  No, my face is wet from the shower.  Its not a tear.  Your beef stroganoff sucks.

I didn't mean that.  Come back.

ugh...slam your beer and turn off the radio, they are garbage.  Dry off, put on your clothes, throw the empties into the trash and go down stairs.

At this point, 4 ounces of coffee should be ready to go.

Pour that, whoop!  Side note.

Pouring: that means holding the coffee receptacle in one and and a smaller receptacle in the other and transferring liquids.  Most people do this without to much trouble.

Ok, we are now at the critical juncture.

Getting that fluid into your face.

Its hot, right?  So what we do is this....

PRO TIP: put an ice cube into your cup...the receptacle, to get rid of some of the aforementioned heat.

Thats it!!!!

You have now made coffee.  And if your doing it right, you have a slight buzz going.  Your day is going to be so damn good.

Now What?: Get in your car and drive to work.  Make that money kid.  You have to do this for the next 40 years and then die.

You will be fine.  life is not linear.  Its a winding road to absolution

* complete bullshit

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