Feb 14, 2017

CRB Valentines Help: 2017

Oh baby, you got me a bong?!
Most people view this day as a day in which to celebrate those close to them, a way in which to shed the nonsense of day to day life and refocus on their loved ones, a day devoted to them...its lovely and we at the CRB are here to help.

Because, lets be honest, 90% of people about 50% of the time turn to the crb 25% of the time for 5% of their love live needs.

If you are a math person that equals like 170% of people, so, good luck with your e-harmonize and your tinder and your healthy relationships.  We are here to offer you the proper V-Day syllabus.
  1. Get something that comes from the ground that is colorful.
    1. Weed is a good start, its mostly legal and removes inhibitions
    2. edibles are also nice.  a ginger bread cookie or mushrooms are never not a thing that you could do.
    3. Flowers sure, why not.  Get the expensive ones, roses are nonsense, but, get ones that smell good. Trust us.  We are divorced
  2. Long car. 
    1. don't be an idiot, spring for a limo.  be it a Lincoln or a hummer or a, whatever, ford.  
    2. If that is not realistic, at least, leave your car just like it is normally..because nothing says love like, "here, wait, let me get these empty water bottles off my seat quick...also, ignore the court ordered summons and black tar heroin on the floor mats"
  3. Remember this day isn't about you
    1. And its not about your other 1/2.  its about mass consumerism and light bondage 
      1. also: banging.
  4. flowers aren't bad.
  5. Oreo cookies are not wise.
  6. Chicken Noodle Soup is messy, and really a bad choice for bed time playtime.  Your sheets are damp as hell now you idiot.
  7. Good lord, don't take advice from this website. Only two things would happen
    1. Instant pregnancy
    2. Taco bell Drive through. 

Both of those are bad!!!  Kids and mass-constructed tacos are bad for your financially and health wise!!!

So, what do we do?

Go to a restaurant, order two cobb salads, (heavy on the ham and green peppers) and 3 bottles of wine.  

Then fall asleep on the couch watching house on netflix. 

Thats it.  Don't over think it.  oh...get a slice of apple pie and use that in the bed room.  Its never not a bad idea.  Serious, you will have triplets in 2 months if you do this.  Why?  

Because this is America still.  Isn't it?

If you are lucky enough to have someone that can deal with your shit on a daily basis and you are happy with them, or at least not homicidal, then you are on to something.

That is a step up from some. We have been murdered two or three times at least this year alone. Thats always a bad thing. The dry cleaning bills alone make it not worth your own death after 2 of them.

There, now you have all you need to know to make this valentines day perfect.

Also, tip for the professionals out there.  Flavor blasted gold fish always set a romantic mood.

Eat a couple of those and

/takes off pants

/slips and falls out of the window (somehow)

/gets run over by a garbage truck


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