The other day the crb staff was out on one of our corporate mandated ski days. These are, for those who don't know, are days required by our corporate overlords where we take out the ski masterbu and ski all day, regardless if we want to or not.
Naturally, Megan from accounts payable went first...because, honestly, she is the best skier that we have at crb, and also, she likes to think that nabbing the best of the meats we have stacked in the cooler and then skiing right away absolves her of the fact that she ate ALL THE GOOD MEATS.
|wake 180 to NOMS|
but...thats something for HR to figure out, as a CRBoard member, I just crack open an old style and chuckle.
"girl has moxie", I say, to the walkie talkie that is connected to nothing, because I am a moron, "She deserves the protein"
And the reverie goes on all day. If you have ever witnesses a CRBday on the water you know that the skiing is secondary, as it should be, as its really pretty bad. Normally Jacob, who works in shipping and receiving, is throwing up by 10:30 am.
Which is odd, because as policy, CRB doesn't open until after lunch time. So, he may have some issues to deal with that are not quite something we can deal with. If you can't get to work on time after a burger and a beer at Red Brick Bar and Grill, then...well, thats on you.
Corporate ski days are nothing to be trifled with.
|see, this is a god damn chicken noodle soup flip you noobs|
A corporate restructure a few years back included this as a requirement for advancement in the CRB corporation. Which, really reduced waterskiing to an annoyment when it really should have been for fun, but, thats the world we live in. Everything in monetized and fun is bad.
Never the less.
Chad, who works in our new digital development department, decided to wager on his trick ski run. And wouldn't you know it, he threw down the following wager.
FOUR BOXES OF CHEDDAR JACK CHEEZ-ITS.
Winner has to buy the loser 4 god damn boxes of cheddar jack cheez its.
We aren't about to be embarrassed by a toned ass man-bitch. son, you are about to feel the wrath of a possibly 1000 point trick ski run on your ass.
Now, however our hubris, we working from a disadvantage.
Our trick ski, that we have had and loved for years was getting old. Its been with us for ever, through ups and downs, brown hair and gray hair, for healed and broken bones, though heart ache and triumph.
Its always in the ski shed.
it...in an strange way provides comfort.
Because no matter what else is going on, our girl is still there ready to take on the challenge.
We have noticed, in the last few years, that the ski is not quite as stout as it used to be. And don't get us wrong, its still got its moments, but, they are not as prevalent as before.
Everyone knows that over time, a ski starts to wear out. In our history, we had a kidder redline, that eventually as the ski began to age, we could over ski. It got tired, it got old. It lived its life. No shame, but there is sadness in remembering the history when the ski was strong.
|no, the skis aren't supposed to be the shelfs...damnit karen|
This is the same scenario with our trick ski. its something we have had for damn near half our life. Always ready to get in the boat, always ready for play time on the water, always ready for whatever we were ready to do.
But over time, we began to notice it wasn't as quick on its feet as it used to be. Willing, mind you, but, not quite as frisky as it used to be.
And this isn't something that we caught right away, when you are with something everyday, you don't notice the decline until it slaps you in the face. A holy shit moment, like, oh.....i can't do my wake 360 as easy.....are you getting weak in your flex area on the wake???
By this point, though, it doesn't matter because we will put our trick ski up with anyone.
"bitch, you think you got shit," said us, "ill stomp your ass...maybe"
So, chad goes out and does what to a normal person, a layperson...you know, a moron, would be considered a decent run. We checked with the judges score card and we were able to determine the his run was this:
180 to quick nibble on a turkey and cheese
reverse side slide
reverse 180 to wake 540 to pulling a bag of fritos out of vest to mouth
triple whirly bird
(ed note: WTF??)
reverse 180 to shot gun a miller lite
Not bad right?????
so, ok, fuck this guy. Like dig dug is getting owned like that. we got that wake to eat turkey sandwich move down pat. and the fritos thing? thats our original. No one knows about the turkey chili bong move we have hidden from the eyes of the tabloids.
Like we want water ski magazines fucking facebook page to point out us eating delicious chili while executing a perfect wake to wake fashion air.
No, you do not, the paparazzi does not need to see that.
Look, lets be honest, tensions in the boat are high, Chad is talking big nonsense, like he is the king of the lake. Because he was able to keep the turkey sandwich dry.
Shit, "bitch, a grandma with rickets could keep a turkey sandwich dry behind this boat, fool."
That shut him down. But the tension was real.
We has to back up our astonishly stupid bullshit hubris with a decent trick run.
"Hey, you loser, you cant do a wake 180 with a sandwich in your hand, you pussy"
oh...right? this is what is being yelled at us while we are just trying to snarf down a pre-lunch snack prior to dominating this fools ass on a trick ski.
"OH YEAH" we yell through a mouth full of cheez its and craft cheddar cheese, "LETS SEE WHO CAN DO A DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS"
The gauntlet had been thrown down. NO ONE EVER, EVER, went there anymore. Not after Jennie tried it and was impaled 10 times by the pylon in her own boat. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
Not even scientist or meterioroligist can figure it out.
But we think Lil Jon had something to do with it. Probably a severe twerk injury, but, a 10 time impale really, left something for the sweat to drop down those balls.
No matter, like Dig Dig is ever one to back down from a rap battle. This not being a rap battle was a problem.....fuck it LETS GO.
The feeling around the dock was so decidedly cold, or at least, skeptical. No one has successfully done the double large mouf bass and lived to tell about it. There have been rumors on the chat boards that people have seen it done, but...the videos they have posted have either been one of two things.
1) big foot ass shit. Grainy non-sense. not suitable for viewing because, there is no way to tell if they transitioned from whirly-bird to railey to 3 tier presto into a 4 tier.
2) some bullshit where it feels like different clips are spliced together to make it look like someone...or something completed a DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS.
we are not wimps, we will not back down from a challenge.
Its go time.
For those unaware of what the double large mouf bass is, its pretty simple really, but, it requires somehow re-arranging the laws of time and physics. As it begins with one person and somehow ends with two three-tier pyramids transitioning into a single four tier behind a different boat with all the skier with a different mentality.
But, you have never skied on our ski.
Shit is magical.
Its been with us forever and if any ski could make something like that happen. It this one.
Now, again....for this trick to work, it needs alot of logisitcs, you needs two boats running side-by-side, you need a good trick skier (we are not) and the ability to launch out of the second triple whirly bird on the the top of the three high pyramid at the exact moment they transition into a presto'd four tier pyramid ALSO at the moment they somehow are able to to switch the ropes from your boat to the other boat via some cable mechanism.
SO DUMB .
Our first two tries resulted in, suprisingly, only three deaths, the boat driver, the top person on the pyramid and oddly, the other boat driver as she took a show board directly into her brain.
But did that slow us down?
On our final try, everything was set up perfect. Both boats were ready.
We were fired up, knowing that, Sure, a triple whirly bird is...i guess...possible, i havent made a side slide...you know, ever...but fuck it lets go.
so, all 9 boats fired up and took off. Our boat, the pyramid boat and the 7 boats we hired to shoot off fire works and have dancing people in the off-chance we pull shit off.
we eased outside the wake. Preparing for our triple whirley bird....and for those of you who dont know, a triple whirley bird is something that is written about in ancient scrolls. like, mayans used to do it as a way to ward off sars, or some shit. they had hella fuel-enjected pyramids back in the day.
so, a triple whirley bird requires both timing (hitting the wake the right way) and luck (being super lucky?)
Because of course, this was a challenge, none of the smart things you normally think are out the window..."We have to win!" said an idiot...same person on the ski, who will probably die in 2 minutes, "but i love the veggie tray from the grocery strore"
Never the less, this is CRB on the water day, and we can't back down to challenge.
We lit out to the left.....and cut as hard as we could to the right, ready to hit the wake just right and with enough lift to carry off THREE whirley birds, when just at that split second.
Wouldn't you know it.
|I see your mom down there, bitch|
We realized, this is the dumbest shit ever. We can barely do a wake to wake jump and land without eating various dicks whilst in the water.
Chad can just fuck off, the other boats and skiers just have to understand, "Yeah, waterskiing people are wild, yo"
We woke up floating in the lake with a few teeth missing, because we hit the water so hard, hubris is a bitch.
As we sat there floating in the water trying to score a milwaukees best and maybe a few spare pretzel bites we were reminding of our situation by a tooth floating by.
"oh, wow, that was a nasty fall..." said, us. "hope this blood is hypoallergenic"
Then we kicked off our ski and as it floated to the surface, it noticed, that it was bent in half. Right between the front and back binding.
"whoa" we said.
Our ski, we have had since about 15 years ago is dead.
We knew it was going, it wasn't' as sharp in the wakes, felt a bit more sloppy landing flips, but, to see it right there in front of you..without anything left it in it.
That was alot for us to handle. It had been with us from our early years, to our, wherever we are now. You take it for granted. You dont think of it every day, but, you know its there....by your side whenever you need.
"Oh shit son, you need a wake 360 followed by a burrito eat?, yeah, I got you!" -us
And now..now what.
Our ski it broken, its not going to be with us on our daily adventures, nor, will we have to put it up on its shelf at night.
yeah, sure, we could get a ski that would perform better, but..
we ski the best....we feel the best, we are happy the most on that ski...and now its gone.
Fuck you chad, yeah, we lost the ski battle. And we couldn't do DOUBLE LARGE MOUF BASS, and "bitch neither could you" but, that doesn't matter.
The boats are still going to run, the skiers are still going to ski, life is still going to continue.
You can be sad for the loss of of your ski. Your favorite ski. The one that provided reassurance to your life. But, skis live their life to you, they give their live to you. You have to let them go when their time comes.
Funny thing is, you have yelled at that ski "WHY COULDN"T YOU LAND THAT" you have consoled that ski "I should have been able to do that" and sometimes you just happen to look at the ski and it fills you with joy, "i see you bro, soon"
We will find a new ski and enjoy that too...but man, we really loved that ski*
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Speak now. Give us your tired your hungry your weak. We will make them into CRB Staff