Minnesota Man's Chevy Silverado Not Pleased With Owner
|Seen in 2006, post boat towing afterglow|
"This is some kind of bullshit", 02 Silverado said when questioned. "I am designed from the ground up to tow shit around, run shit over, haul peoples crap....I mean...what the hell, here I am sitting in the damn driveway like a fool...its...gah...its awful"
Those strong words were spoken on a beautiful fall day in eastern Minnesota, a day that saw the temperatures near the 50 degree mark and as the Spitkalla family take the Grand Caravan to Costco and Home Depot, leaving the trusty Silverado sitting idlely by in the driveway.
"Its not as if I complain that much," Silverado noted. "I mean, that idiot can barely remember to change my oil, 'Hey! I can't do this myself', god what a douche. 'oh, nice new end table you dick head'...not like I don't need a repacking of my bearings...or at least a tranny flush"
Witnesses have noticed a surprising lack of use of the 2002 Silverado in recent years as the Spitkalla families attentions have turned to more economical uses of their time, as well as the time crunch that does come with a changing home-front dynamic.
"Yeah, its been tough for them," Neighbor Anderson Vismo said. "Eric is a real nice guy, he used to really enjoy his days on the water with the family, and that truck was his life for awhile. I guess people move on, or...I don't know. I suppose the divorce may have had something to do with his changing priorities."
"Oh good lord, thats the biggest crock of shit," Silverado said, "That D-bag kept banging chicks from work, his wife was thinking he was working late...yeah, working late, more like being balls deep in some random broad. Its no wonder this dent in my tailgate has gone un-treated. Maybe if he shut off his slut sonar for a day or two"
Eric has been noticeably quiet about the lack of use of his pick-up, which he used to call, "beef mofo", an obvious take off of noted Buffalo Bill turned Seattle Seahawk running backs alter ego 'Beast Mode'.
CRB did attempt to contact Eric regarding this truck and lack of associated on-the-water frolic time, however, all we were able to get this quick statement from Spitkalla's lawyer while dining at Quizno's.
"Eric still loves his wife, his family, his job and his truck...its a damn truck you know...there is no reason that anyone should feel sorry for a truck, but, he does envision a day when he can sell it to some dumb high school kid so they can 'drink a four loko, knock up a Olive Garden waitress, and spend the next 15 god damn years listening to her bitch about Johnny football hero and what she had to give up to raise this god damn rugrat with your stupid ass'...and yeah, thats verbatim"
At press time, the Spitkalla Silverado hasn't moved from its spot on the side of the driveway, the only change being a slightly flat tire. The Spitkalla ski boat has been put on craigslist, no doubt to pay for his ever mounting cocaine / child support payments and according to witnesses at the scene, interviewed by CRB staff, Eric himself was seen at a local Olive Garden drinking a bottle of Ernest and Gallo wine while regaling fellow diners with stories of his exploits back when he was "in his prime".
When Silverado was made aware of these facts, all it could muster was a grunt this chilling line,
"Ha, good work moron...you get that plow attachment anywhere near me and I will Christinne your ass faster then that Sbarro chick"