Sep 25, 2008

The Kinda Weekly Football Rundown Part One.

The founder of this here site has set sail from our midst, a packed cooler and cowboy hat in tow. Occasionally, the Rowboat will affix a empty can tied to a rope and communicate back to the CRB HQ with various updates and thoughts. Today is one of those days.

Gonna try something here, it may or may not work...and hell, it may never go beyond today, but, what the hell, lets give it a shot.

So, there are the "power rankings" on the NCWSA site now days, a sort of, well jeez, ranking of the collegiate ski teams. It doesnt mirror in any sense anything else, but, we thought it would be fun to compare and contrast the rankings of the ski teams with their respective football teams.

Because, simply, everyone knows that football is king in the U.S. Honestly, high school, college, pro, it doesn't matter. I would rather watch the Arena Football League then basketball or hockey.

side note: baseball in person is by far the best ever. Don't give my any crap like MMA or hockey or anything else because, serious, if you have a soul and you have visited Wrigley Field, you know damn well that nothing ever compares to an afternoon in the bleachers*.

*your 3rd grade teacher up-skirt moment doesn't count. pervert.

1 Univ of Louisiana Monroe ULM 51090
2 Univ of LA Lafayette ULL 49360
3 Purdue University PUR 47105
4 Univ of Wisc Madison MAD 46455
5 University of Alabama ALA 45660
6 University of Michigan MCH 41765
7 Iowa State University IWS 41400
8 Florida Southern College FSC 41090
9 Missouri State Univ MOS 40205
10 University of Cincinnati CIN 40170

No idea what those numbers mean, but, lets break this down best we can.

1) ULM. They are a bad-ass 1-3 now after suffering a heartbreaking loss to Tulane 24-10. A little stray dog swung by the CRB office and said that the starting wide-reciever was really dissapointed in this showing after their stirring 37-15 pounding of Alabama A&M.

2)ULL. This my CRB buddies is a tough one. ULL, the RAGIN CAJUNS!!! are 1-2 with losses to Southern Miss and Illinois, which in any normal circumstance would be cause for public ridicule and scorn. But, lets delve a bit closer. They opened the season with a 51-21 loss to Southern Miss, yeah....them. But, a 20-17 loss to Illinois is nothing to sneeze at. Illinios?


Well, ULL is a god darn powerhouse now and they defeated Kent State, yes that Kent State, 44-27 at Cajun Field (which we heard is really hot. *rimshot*)

3) Purdue University. Lets be honest. Does it really matter what the hell the football team does from now to eternity? The Boilermakers have given the United damn universe the amazing and, dare we say, epic, NECK BEARD!! Kyle Orton, you are the summit we all hope to reach.

/grows neck beard

4) University of Wisconsin. The Badgers really put in a fight this last weekend, really rolling up their shirt sleeves and (insert your own damn stupid sports cliche here). To bad they didnt play, but, the CRB is sure that out at the bars they really won or lost. If you know what we are saying.

See, cuz they had a bye. This follows up epic wins like their 38-17 thrashing of powerhouse Akron and their 51-14 bitchslap of Marshall and then the 13-10 curb stomp of Fresno State. Fresno State? Didn't Joey Harrington go there? Wow. Oh yeah, they play Michigan next week, which they should win by about a trillion points because benidict arnold Rich Rodriguez is their coach and has no idea how to alter his offense to accomadate his current players. YO!! Pat White is still in West Virginia!!

5) Alabama. Really, do we care? ROLLLL TIDE!!!!!! no serious,, we are sorry Alabama fans, but Nick Saban coaches your team. He is a douche of the highest order. He should count his lucky stars that Bobby Petrino went dead-beat dad on the Falcons and went to Arkansas or else you would have the biggest "dad went to the store for smokes" type coach around. Jesus, and he coached the Dolphins before that. shoot me now.

6) University of Michigan. Subject tackled with Wisconsin. But, serious, You have a gigantic stadium, a dedicated fan base, country-wide appeal and you kicked your former coach to the curb so you could bring in....

/vomits uncontrollably.

/shits self

I dont care. Hope college is in your state. You should thank god you dont face their football team.

Oh dear...Hope is 0-3? Losing to Illinois Wesleyan by 3? AHH, a 70-46 loss to Carthage and a 28-6 loss to UW-Eau Claire (they are the blugolds by the way, dont mess with them or they will cut you like crappy smoked sausage).

Well, here is hoping (see what I did there?) that they can turn it around against Wheaton next week, at home, the week before homecoming. wtf?

7) Iowa State University. The Cyclones. Umm...sort of anonymous huh? They are 2-2 right now with a couple rousing victories in their first two games again the powerhouse schools of South Dakota State and Kent State, followed by two loses to Iowa (no shame) and UNLV (partial shame). Now they face Kansas who will probably beat them worse then that one time a friend of mine tried to start a fight with Steven Seagal. He didn't actually get to fight him, as a bouncer stepped in and administered a beating to my buddy worthy of a oscar. TRUE STORY!!*

*not really. but fun to think about.

It does remind me of this one time a bouncer kicked me out of a bar for being a smart ass, i was wearing a pea-coat and he grabbed me by the collar area, so i couldnt raise my arms. He was all, "start shit, i dare you!!" and I was all, "I cant, i cant move my arms". in my head i won that battle.

Thats alot like what Iowa State must be like, finding moral victories in beating Kent State 48-28, when ULL only beat them 44-27. So, they totally beat them by 3 more points. YEAH!

8) Florida Southern College. They dont have a football team.

whats the matter Moccasans? Not good enough at Running and Tackling and Wearing Tight Pants*???

*we waterski, so that joke is pretty lame.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! They beat the Florida Gators!!! OMG!! Serious!! 7-0!!! 1919.

On the bright side, their womens soccer team beat the stuffing out of Palm Beach Atlantic 4-0 on the strength of Alex Hoover who had a goal and an assist as well as a mean-ass slide tackle at the 64th minute to break up a mid-field pass that was gonna make its way to the far side-line to another person who was gonna pass it backwards, but, she made sure that crap didnt happen.

9) I dont care anymore.

10) nope.

So, there you go!!! the top eight!! Thats what we are talking about!!!


  1. I like it. I belive I almost learned something there. almost...

    it is easy to tell where you started drinking more Mountain Creek.

    or south paw

    or paint thinner

  2. yep. paint thinner. i figured you guys needed some gratuitous swearing and off-topic nonsense.

  3. I like gratuitous swearing.

  4. Thats awesome.

    Not only did the neckbeard go to my college, but the neckbeard also is the QB of my football team.

    Obama? - Nope
    McCain? - I don't think so
    Neckbeard? Has my vote in '08

  5. sorry what? your a bears fan and you haven't yet been impregnated by the sex cannon that is Rex Grossman? pssh. whatever dude.


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