Jun 2, 2008

A Legend Retires

Dear Avid CRB Readers and Minion Groupies,

I would like to first apologize for my recent absence from the CRB. Apparently trying to bring a 100 kilos of Cocaine over the border in slalom skis isn't a very good idea. I probably shouldn't have named the ski "My Little Friend." Well it was a good run anyway, right Denny? So after a short term in a Mexican prison and finding the true love of my life, Julio (a large Mexican man with a pony tail and lots of tattoos of the Virgin mother), I have returned.

I could not have returned at a better time either. The man, the myth, the legend....Wade Cox is retiring. Wade has been around since the first coke/waterski run and basically the beginning of the sport...well not really the beginning but the cool part at least. CRB was able to get a interview with Wade...
CRB: So Wade how old are you?

Cocks, woops Cox: 40, but man I feel like I'm 20! The ladies think I look like it too.

CRB: 40 or 20?

Cocks, shit I did it again: /flicks hair back...What do you think?

CRB: Ok awkward, and moving on. What is your most memorable moment in your competitive career?

Cox: Probably winning the U.S. Pro Water Ski Tour and Water Ski World Cup season titles from '93-'98.

CRB: Didn't you win '95 and '96 and Andy Mapple win the rest?

Cox: /mumbles something under his breath sounds like "fucking Andy Mapple"

/awkward silence.

Cox: So you got busted for moving coke in skis?

CRB: Yeah apparently it was done before....

Cox: Denny, some guys and I did it back in the '80s...I mean Denny and some guys. We...they flew it in from Mexico in skis, it was sweet..../babbles on about cocaine and the good old days about skiing.

CRB: Ok moving on. Now Mapple retired before you, why did you wait so long to retire?

Cox: Well, uh, Andy is a pussy.

CRB: That your answer?

/Cox nodes head.

CRB: Ok, well did you know Andy Mapple well?

Cox: Yeah, I guess. Hey can we make that whole thing about coke off the record? I really wasn't involved I swear...

CRB: Is Andy as amazing as I have always seen, he set some amazing records! Do you think you could get his autograph for me?

Cox: What the fuck? Mapple is good and all but aren't we talking about how great my career was? I mean I know how to ski too, plus I have fucking sweet hair!

/Cox flicks hair back, again.

CRB: Ok, sorry touchy subject. So did it get harder to stay up with the younger guys with all this west coast slalom and technical jargon with the fins being adjusted a 16th and all.

Cox: Well they were like, ummm younger. So it was harder to keep up sometimes, but I can still out drink em'. And get the babes too.

CRB: That wasn't the question.

Cox: Well I don't wanna bore you with technical jargon. But a 18th of a inch is all you need to adjust your binding and as far as my for goes I always make sure I am going around the buoys and not the center ones cuz' those are like the boat guides. You know the rope gets shorter as the feet off increases and I can do '41 off which is from a 75 foot rope so that makes in like 20 feet long and the handle is 20 feet from the buoy so you have to cut like hell.

CRB: Have you been drinking? How the fuck did you ever get into '41 off?

Cox: So what If I've been drinking, its after 5am! You like Wild Turkey?

CRB: Well who doesn't? /takes a shot.... shit that burns! Ok so, what do you plan to do now that you have retired?

Cox: Well I think I am gonna like hit up some of the babe beaches first and all then I don't really know maybe design skis and bounce between different ski companies...I think Radar is looking for someone.

CRB: Isn't that where Andy Mapple worked for awhile? Do you just like follow in his footsteps?

Cox: Fuck this, fuck Mapple, I may be 40 but I act like I'm 20 so I'm fucking cool!

/flicks hair and storms out of the room.

CRB: Hey you forgot your Wild Turkey...wait why the fuck is Mapples name on the bottle? Oh well, thanks!

Well, aside from that interview. Wade is a cool guy, and yeah dude you totally act like your 20. He was huge in the sport and did alot for it. Thanks for everything! Best of luck to you at Radar or whatever.

More about Cocksies retirement and career can be found on USAWaterski.com


  1. wow. welcome back minion. missed your unique blend of wit, humor and language. Lou would be proud.

  2. Totally missed the rad ms paint. Now Lou and Bob Ross are proud.

  3. spelling is hard.

    cuz words be slippery


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